God is kind to show us in His Word how to handle everything - including the conflict in our marriages. God’s ways are pleasant ways… as we will show you.

Welcome to the Church and Family Life podcast. Church and Family Life exists to proclaim the sufficiency of Scripture, and today we're here to talk about a matter of the sufficiency of Scripture regarding conflict in marriage and it's such a critical matter because The essence of marriage is oneness. The two shall become one flesh. And my understanding of that is that it does include the physical part of marriage, and it also includes every other part of marriage as well. Oneness of heart, oneness of direction, and oneness in every way.

It's a very deep kind of oneness. And the problem is there's conflicts that break up the oneness. So, Jason, that's what we're here to talk about, the breaking up of oneness and how do you handle conflict that breaks it up? Sure. If you go to Genesis chapter 3, the entry of sin into the world, and the curse that that brought on mankind.

Conflict in marriage is really central to the curse. And becoming Christian and then working a lifetime long to become more like Christ is about reversing the effects of that, and that definitely has to do with marriage, the marriage relationship, reclaiming that ground that was lost when sin came into the world. Right. No man contain the tongue. That's a real problem in marriage.

The fall has had a profound effect on the way that we talk. And my view over the years is that so many of the problems, the dislocations in marriage happen because of the way people talk to each other, the things they say. So probably the best text in the Bible maybe on marriage is Ephesians chapter 5, Christ and the church, how Christ sacrificially loves a bride, how the bride just joyfully submits to this perfect husband. And it's a beautiful picture. So why do we have to worry about conflict at all if we can agree that that's a picture of a beautiful life?

Well, let's just go do that. Well, here's why. You actually live together under the same roof, in the same room. You share the same bed. And so my spouse has opportunities to crash into my selfishness in ways that nobody else has.

They just don't have the same opportunities that my spouse has. So this can lead us into conflict. The other thing that's probably worth saying is that Christian behavior, just for short bursts of time, does it in church life, can do it in work life, doesn't do it in married life, because your short burst of Christian conduct is then faced with a lot more time together. Elizabeth Elliott used to say to women, the problem with marriage is that you marry a man, and then she says the other problem is that you marry a sinner. And so the conflicts happen.

Yeah, yeah, to be sure. Recently, we did a marriage conference together, I think it was two weekends ago, I gave a message entitled, Being Christian in a Christian Marriage. And it really came from something my wife Janet was observing, which is that what marriages need is Christian marriage partners who actually act like Christians. In other words, Christian bookstore is filled with marriage books, but I'm not sure that we need them. What we need is to act Christ-like towards one another.

So you can actually go to the New Testament texts, which speak of growing in Christ-likeness, being like Christ in how we speak, in our conduct towards one another. And if you just bring those general concepts and apply them to marriage, you might be able to do away with most of the marriage books in the bookstore. Yeah, and so much of it really does have to do with the way that we talk to one another. I mean, Solomon said that life and death is in the power of the tongue. And that English Puritan, he wrote a whole book on the tongue, Richard Alastry, and he says that the tongue is an uncircumcised Philistine.

And you've got to slay the Philistine, you know, in you. And so how we talk matters. Couples often, they don't know how to listen and not jump in. That's one of the big problems. They want to say what they want to say and rather than ask what their spouse means.

When you said the word whatever, what did you mean by that? Because often it's just misunderstandings that just keep getting multiplied and then two people are angry at each other because they never learned how to talk. They never learned how to just have interchange where you let the other person talk and you find out more about what they're actually saying. And that's just a huge problem. Scott, let me give you one of these New Testament texts.

It never mentions marriage, so it's not a marriage text per se, but it is about Christian conduct, it's about growing in Christ-likeness, and then we could just think about what that would mean in a marriage context. So it's Ephesians 4.25 through something. Paul says, Therefore, putting away all lying, let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor working with his hands. What is good that he may have something to give him who has need? Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." I could go on, but I won't. But here you have anger management.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger, you have transparency and truth telling, you're members of one another, so speak the truth to one another. You have building a life around diligent work so that you actually have something coming out of your union to give to other people, either in terms of time or finances. So these are things that apply to every single Christian, but they're tremendously valuable marriage counsel as well. You know, I'll take us to Proverbs 15 because it really leads in the same direction. You know, Proverbs 15.1 makes it really clear that your tone matters.

You said, let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth. Well, our tone is often corrupt, but in Proverbs 15.1, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. So tone really matters. A soft answer is the best way to unity. And then He makes it really clear that your sensitivity matters in verse 2 of Proverbs 15.

He says, the tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. And you know, there's a certain set of knowledge that you have and you're interacting with your spouse because there's a conflict, but we have to use the knowledge rightly. In other words, to be sensitive to what that knowledge is and what it does, because, you know, conflicts in marriage come out of some knowledge, something that happened. How do you handle that thing that happened? So sensitivity really matters.

And then your self-control really matters. In Proverbs 13.3, he who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. You shouldn't say everything that you're thinking. We have this ridiculous idea in our culture that the way to healing is to say whatever you feel. It's very authentic.

Let's just be authentic. The problem is your authentic self is your sinful self and you're using your dagger and everybody bleeds. Scott, I think couples should consider, married marriage partners should consider that when conflict seems to be on the horizon, they have two options and I want to represent them with different scriptures. The first option is represented by 1 Peter 4, 8, where Peter calls for love to cover a multitude of sins. So one option is, hey, the thing on the table really isn't that significant, and I don't want to feel like I have to address everything that doesn't perfectly please me in the life of my spouse.

I'm not the Holy Spirit, and my spouse has the Holy Spirit, and he's continuously at work, so I should let him do his work. And there might be certain things that I need to address, but this isn't one of them I love, and I'm just going to let it cover this sin. The last thing you want is for you to feel like your marriage partner is your project and it's your job to perfect them. It isn't, it never has been, it never will be, and it's no fun to live with someone who thinks you're their project. I don't want to be my spouse's project, and she doesn't want to be mine.

So sometimes love should just cover a multitude of sins. The second option is represented by Matthew 18, which talks about what happens when there's a personal offense between two Christians. Well, if your brother offends you, Well, your closest sister in Christ, if you're a husband, is your marriage partner, and sometimes they offend you. And Matthew 18 actually tells us how to do that. Step one is to go to them in secret, go to them in private, and try to win them.

So you're told what to do, go to them, you're told how to do it in private, and you're you're told what your disposition should be to win them. Right. Not to win the fight or the argument, but to win them over. You really, in a sense, if you were to see it visually, you'd be on the same side of the table as them, not on the opposite side negotiating a ceasefire. That's a great image, to get on the same side of the table.

That's really helpful. The Apostle Paul talks about when you find someone in sin, they're caught in a sin. In Galatians chapter 6, He says, Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself, lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself." Now this is the methodology when your spouse has been caught in a trespass.

Maybe it's an improper use of the tongue, maybe it's some attitude, who knows what it is. But whatever it is, someone clearly has trespassed. And what the Apostle Paul does is he turns his focus mainly away from the person caught to the person who did the catching to the person who's doing the confronting. So he says there's qualifications for you who are involved with the person who has sinned. And the first is you need to be spiritually minded, you who are spiritual.

You shouldn't be going around confronting people until you're filled with the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of love, joy, peace, and patience. You're not qualified. And secondly, in a spirit of gentleness, that's how you do it. You use your tongue in a way, not like a sword, but like a soothing sap. And then you consider yourself, you search your own heart, because the problem with other people sinning is that we sin the same way.

So we have to examine ourselves. It's so remarkable to me that When someone is caught, Paul puts enormous force of emphasis on the person who did the catching so that they get their heart right. And then he says, and bear one another burdens. In other words, be in it for the long haul, fulfill the law of Christ. This may not be one in a day, it might take a long time, so be patient.

And then finally, he says, deal with your own pride. You know, if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. So Scott, I think the question is this, when you're tired, when you're annoyed, when you're hungry, when you're sleep deprived, when something happens, can I slow down enough to just ask, who am I and what am I doing here? I am a subject of a king, and I have been put here to be a blessing to my marriage partner. So I'm not just at liberty to act according to my knee-jerk implications.

There has to be more carefulness, more thoughtfulness than that. Yeah, no, that's really good. Deborah always says, Scott, I don't want us to have a heavy conversation when I'm hungry or tired. And the context of that is that we better not have a heavy conversation because I just might fall asleep. And that's not just because I'm old, it's because I always fall asleep really fast.

Well, God is so kind to give us ways to handle conflict in marriage. And these passages are sufficient, they are so helpful to guide us so that we're not just running off with our own hearts. Right. Amen. God is so kind.

Okay, well thank you. Thank you for joining us on the Church and Family Life podcast. We pray that you have a really sweet marriage and that you handle the conflicts the way the Lord has called you to do it. It'll be a blessing. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next time.

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