This podcast is for the son or daughter wondering if they are ready for marriage and parents considering this for their children. Here are twelve questions you should ask yourself about marriage to test readiness.

Welcome to the Church and Family Life podcast. Church and Family Life exists to proclaim the sufficiency of Scripture, and we're here to talk about a particular matter of family life and that is how does anybody know if they're ready for marriage? And this is directed to the young man who's asking himself, am I ready to be married? To the young woman who's asking herself, am I ready or is that guy ready? Or to the parents who are saying, is anybody ready?

So that's what we're here to talk about. We're gonna propose several questions, diagnostic questions. So, hey, Jason, here we go. Can't wait. This is a really important subject.

Very. And we got it. We know a lot of people that are in this zone. They're trying to ask, am I ready? Okay.

We're just going to flip out the questions and move through them. And the first is, do you honor your father and mother? Might seem like an odd first question, but it's a command with a promise of good, of long life and things going well for you. So you do not wanna be hooking your cart to a horse that will not honor his father and mother. Right, and it matters what your parents want for you.

And if, in most cases, if they don't want you to marry that person, you're not ready. Honor your father and mother. It can be kind of a thorny subject, but it's, but it's really, really critical. You know, parents often put constraints on their children, you know, finish this educational cycle, have a particular amount of money. These are things that God has ordained.

You know, We're in a very small circle where this matters, but out there, this sounds like crazy talk. You know, like what do parents have to do with my picking a spouse? Your parents know you and have been advocating for your best interests for a long time, and it should include this process. Yeah, and why does it matter? So that it will go well with you.

Right. Yeah, it's a big deal. So another question, do you understand the purpose of marriage? Most people don't really understand the purpose of marriage. It's a need to be fulfilled.

It's a sexual satisfaction. It's companionship. It's things like that. Which marriage does supply all those things, but do you really understand why God created marriage? Right.

God has given us marriage as a picture, as a sacred reflection of Jesus Christ and His passionate love for His people, and the way His people love and honor Him in return. And if you don't understand that, you really don't understand the part that God has given you to play. Yeah, you'll never be able to have a marriage that really glorifies God unless you are focused on that. And marriage is also for the taking of dominion. Two people coming together and they take dominion.

What a blast that is to do that with your spouse. So, you know, what is the purpose of marriage? And it should be really clear in a couple who wants to get married that they understand that the marriage isn't really just about them. You know, I was a Christian when I got married, and I got married to a Christian, and I'm sure had heard sermons on Ephesians chapter 5, but I didn't really... I don't think I could check this one off, even though I had read it many times and heard some sermons on it.

You have to think through the implications. What does that mean when you get into conflict? What does that mean when you're making decisions in life? And you sort of have to trace out the tentacles to understand what it actually means at a practical level. Here's another question.

Are you gainfully employed? If a man doesn't provide for his own, he's worse than an unbeliever. A quick story. So I have one daughter who's married. She married a man who was gainfully employed.

But more important to Janet and I than even that was is he a provider? So there's kind of one level of question, does he have a job that can provide? But another question is, Is he a provider? A guy is a certain kind of way that if he loses his job, and actually early in their marriage, after they got married, he did lose his job. But you know, we didn't lose sleep, because even though he lost his gainful employment, He was a provider at heart, and we knew he would leave no stone left unturned to get back on his feet, and that's exactly what happened because he was a provider.

Amen. You know, you don't want your daughter to marry and be poor. Proverbs 10, 4 says, he who has a slack hand will become poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich. You know, do not love sleep, lest you become poor. In all labor, there's profit, but idle chatter leads only to poverty.

You want to have someone who has a strong work ethic, and you're not ready to be married unless you have a strong work ethic. True. Another question, do you handle money responsibly? So a squandering wealth is sinful, Proverbs 21.20. There is desirable treasure and oil in the dwelling of the wise, but a foolish man squanders it.

Young people sometimes don't understand how many different ways money can take wings and leave you behind. Yeah. Yeah, And researchers tell us that the greatest problems in marriage come over money. So learning how to handle money is really critical. If you've got somebody who can't control the spending or her spending, and they're running up their big credit cards all the time, and they haven't figured out how to do that.

They're not ready. Young couples are almost always on the low end of the earning curve. They're going to earn more later in life, so they don't have a lot of money, so they better know how to handle it. Yeah, absolutely. But it's fun to be young and married and not have a lot of money.

It is, isn't it? I know. Deborah and I were so poor when we got married and it was a joy. Just to comment on that, I don't think you should wait until you have 100 grand in the bank. I'm not sure you should wait until you have 10 grand in the bank.

You need to learn how to handle it responsibly, but there's nothing wrong with not having a lot of resources when you get married. Only a few people know how little I had when I got married. Deborah knows. Deborah knows. Fifth, the fifth question, or the next question is, are you emotionally stable?

Are you emotionally stable? Are you up and down? Are you depressed all the time? Are you given to change? Do you finish things?

You know, it's dangerous to get married like that. It's dangerous to marry a man like that. It's dangerous to marry a woman like that. Now none of us are perfect in these areas, and God actually has designed marriage for imperfect people. But beware if you are not emotionally stable.

Like if you're a man, you have no business bringing a woman into your emotional instability. Get stable. Yeah. It's death to think, I'll get these things in order once I'm married. Why would you get them in order once you're married if they're not in order when you're not married?

Yeah. Next, do you manifest mature relational patterns? Do you manifest mature relational patterns? Because that's what either makes a marriage a joy or a big pain in the neck when you respond in an ungodly way. I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married.

Well, why didn't I know? Because there was no one kind of crashing into my selfishness. I could go where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go there, at any day of the week. That changes when you get married. And so you actually learn a lot about yourself when you get married.

And there will be somebody crashing into your inclinations about things. And If you're not down the road in developing Christian character, man, is it going to be challenged in that period of time. Snarkiness is no help. Are you kind? Do you keep a track of wrongs?

Oh, wow. If you keep track of wrongs, Look out. You need to ask yourself, am I the kind of person that keeps track of wrongs? Think about your life. Because love doesn't.

Love doesn't. Keep a record of wrongs. Yeah. And scorekeeping breeds more scorekeeping. In other words, if you're a scorekeeping partner, you're asking for scorekeeping from your partner.

How about narcissism? Are you a narcissist? That doesn't work very well in marriage. Somebody's going to get really disappointed, and they might leave you. Narcissists do not do well in marriage.

If you have narcissistic tendencies, you should repent and get a track record of the opposite of that. You know, a lot of these things lend themselves to you needing someone who will tell you the truth about yourself in your life. In other words, a lot of these things, we have a warped view of where we are on the curve and you need somebody who can tell you, you know what, I'm sure you don't see yourself this way, but you can be very narcissistic. You have a treasure if you have somebody in your life who will say that to you. Yeah, like if you're right and everybody's wrong, and you can't submit to people, you can't submit to authorities, and you're headed for trouble.

Here's the next question. Are you devoted to a local church? Hebrews 10, 5 says that we should not forsake the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but rather exhorting one another because there's a day approaching. So my view is if you haven't demonstrated love for the bride of Christ, how can you love a bride? You know, Janet and I would love to pound on the pulpit together on this one.

Because we have received so much help from a devotion to local church life, it's been so good for us. It's helped us in a hundred different ways. It smooths out your excesses and it helps you to love people that are not like you at all. I don't like doing marriages where the couple has not been devoted to a local church. If one party has not been devoted to a local church, I'm really reluctant to recommend it.

Local church life is so critical. It's part of Christianity. If you're not part of a local church, you're not really part of Christianity. If you haven't been seeking the fellowship of the saints and the preaching of the Word of God, I don't know how you can call yourself a Christian. It's a big deal for me.

And it should concern a potential, either the man or the woman, if the other person hasn't been devoted to a local church, because you're likely to get more of the same of what you see in their life right now? Well, you used to say this. I want to see the patterns of that guy two years ago, not now, when he's ready to marry my daughter. We're all on good behavior when we're trying to win the girl. Yeah.

Yeah, you can start going to church, you know, and getting back into it and things like that. Don't you dare? That's a bad idea. Next, are you a slave to sin? You know, what shall we say?

Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not. So there are particular enslavements to sin that are very, very dangerous in marriage. You know, are you delivered from your pornography use? Don't get married if you're still looking at pornography.

Run away from it. And the process of pairing up needs to include frank conversations about besetting sins. They really do. Very pointed questions. And we deserve the answers to those questions, both parties do.

Colossians 3.5, Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience in which you yourselves once walked when you lived them. What the Apostle Paul says in that context is, if you're enslaved, you're not going to heaven. Are you free from pornography? Are you bitter and resentful?

Is there a besetting sin there? Are you a liar? Are you a thief? If you're gonna marry somebody, you need to find out whether those things are in motion. Here's another.

Are you ready for children? And God blessed them and said, be fruitful and multiply. Children are a lot of work. They change your life. They change everything about your life.

They change your whole schedule. They should. If they don't, you're not actually being obedient to God and taking care of those children. But one reason God made marriage is to have children. And if you're saying, well, why I'm not ready for children yet, my advice is don't get married, because marriage and children are kind of connected.

And the council of the world on that is just keep that from happening, get married and keep that from happening for three years, five years, seven years. Our thought on that would be that is not the right perspective. And even if you accept that perspective, you don't control that. None of that is 100%. You could end up with a child really quickly.

Well, plus, it's what God wants. In Malachi, why marriage? God wants godly seed. He might give it to you. Next, equal yoking.

Are you equally yoked? Do you know one another well enough to know that you'd love to work together on everything for the rest of your life. You need to figure that out. And it's not just the pretty face or the emotions that you've got, you know, the infatuation. You know, studies have been made.

Experts say infatuation doesn't last that long. It lasts somewhere between a year and 18 months, and then it's over. So, are you equally yoked? Yeah, level one to that is obviously a Christian should never marry someone that they know to be an unbeliever. Someone might prove to be an unbeliever later, and you just had no way to know that can happen.

But a Christian should never marry someone that there's a reasonable doubt on that. But level two goes beyond that to say, are our personalities a match? Do we like the same things? Or are we two just radically different people who are going to struggle to relate to each other and don't like to work on the same things, don't want to advance the same objectives that's asking for problems. Yeah, there are really critical matters in marriage that if you don't agree on them it's going to be a problem, like matters of the use of money.

There should be some agreement about the use of money or the raising of children. How to raise them? Are you a permissive or are you going to be a disciplinarian? How are you going to raise these kids? What's your strategy for dealing with in-laws?

What is your strategy for being involved in the church? You better agree on those things before you get married. You're not ready to get married until you've determined those things. How about this? I'm called to missions.

Oh, not me. I mean, you better resolve this before you go to the altar. Yeah. Next question, are you converted? This is a really important question because we live in a world where lots of people have the name of Christian, but they're not really converted.

They don't really love God, they don't really love His church, They don't really love His ways, but they might go to church. But, you know, if we say we have fellowship with Him and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. You know, one of the key responsibilities that we have as pastors is to make sure that the people in our church are converted and that they know whether they are or not. It might be the most important thing we ever do as pastors, But people who get married need to understand that too. Yeah.

It's been sort of a sprint to get through a lot of questions in a short period of time. But kind of the crux of it is, When two young people are attracted to each other, unless you can slow down and work through other important matters, you might run past the important matters. God has designed marriage to be a help to you, a blessing to you. If you run past these important matters, you might find marriage being something very, very different than that, just because he or she was humorous and charming. Well, you know what?

That will wear thin soon enough, and you'll be left with more substantial matters. And if you don't deal with the more substantial matters upfront, then you end up in a place where you don't want to be. 00 You can fall in love with a non-Christian and not know that they're not a Christian. You know, has that person's life been transformed? Do they...

Are they seeking the Lord with all their hearts? Do they want to be holy in all their dealings? Do they long to be filled with the Holy Spirit? A real Christian bears fruit. A real Christian wants God more than anything else.

Not just name the name of God, not just be a churchgoer. There's so many who have fallen in love with non-Christians. And it's no fun. And then the Last question, are you shopping before you are ready to buy? The kind of mantra that all the young people in our church know, and they know it right from my own lips, is no pairing up prematurely.

If you're not getting ready to be married, then there's no reason to pair up. It's asking for a level of emotional connection, a level of intimacy that is just asking for trouble if you're not on a trajectory to get married in a reasonable amount of time. Yeah, if your strategy is to get close to multiple men or multiple women, try them out, have multiple romances, it's a bad idea. Why? Well, The church has one spouse, and that should be what's in your mind.

And you may have affection for different people along the way. It's not sinful to do that. But a person should minimize this dating culture that's just so random to go just go see who you're gonna fall in love with. Be careful and ask all these questions to see if you're really ready. I think our view is that these questions will help you know whether you're ready.

Okay? So, are you ready? Are your kids ready? Are you ready for that guy? Are you ready for that girl?

That's really, really important. Let the Word of God be your guide, not your infatuation. Hey, thanks for joining us on the Church and Family Life podcast. Hope to see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Church and Family Life podcast.

We have thousands of resources on our website, announcements of conferences coming up. Hope you can join us. Go to churchandfamilylife.com. See you next Monday for our next broadcast of the Church and Family Life podcast.