“How should I live as a single person?” That’s the question Scott Brown and Jason Dohm discuss in this podcast, as they draw biblical wisdom on the subject from a new booklet by Dr. Joel Beeke and Paul Smalley. Among the truths they mine: The Lord reigns over marriage and singleness, so trust His timing and purpose. Singleness offers opportunities for undivided devotion, so make the most of this time. Flee the vices of worldly singleness. Avoid unrealistic expectations about your resources. Pray for grace to endure the afflictions of singleness. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to pursue marriage. And live in hope—not of marriage first and foremost—but for the glory of God.

Welcome to the Church and Family Life podcast. Church and Family Life exists to proclaim the sufficiency of Scripture. Today we want to talk about singleness and a sufficient scripture for singleness, and want to build the whole discussion around this book that Joel Beakey and Paul Smalley wrote, How Should I Live as a Single? I think it's a really good book. So today, Jason, we're just gonna walk through some of the points, talk about them briefly, and see what happens.

I had some single years, how about you? I did. I got married when I was 28, a lot later than I wanted to, frankly. But that's what... We have a culture of increasing singleness.

People are getting married far later, probably seven years later than they did in the 1960s. And so people are delaying marriage. And so, in fact, when I was in Southern California, I was part of a singles ministry, and in Newport Beach, I think at that time 70% of the population was single. Okay, wow. What a statistic.

Well, a lot of that was divorce and things like that, and also delay. So I'm just going to deal with some of these points and let's talk about them. Number one, biblical truths about singleness. The Lord reigns over marriage and singleness. God has ordained each marriage.

Yeah, God tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough troubles of its own. He is sovereign over everything, and that includes the day that you get married. These guys say God may prevent marriage for years to serve divine purposes not revealed to us. Joseph was sold into slavery at age 17, and it was not until he was 30 that he was able to get married.

So there are delays that can be imposed upon us. The second point here is the law limits sexual activity to a husband and wife, and of course, this isn't simply a forbidding of sexual intercourse. Yeah, in Matthew 19, Jesus talks about the design of marriage being a design for a marriage to last for a lifetime. And so no easy divorce, and the disciples say, if that's the case, you should just say single. And Jesus responds, not all can accept this.

It's not as easy as dispassionately looking back and saying, because marriage can sometimes be hard, you should just stay single. For most people, our bodies aren't made that way. A sexual desire is a real element that needs to be considered. And Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 says, it's better to marry than to burn with passion. And so this is one of the critical things that goes into the equation about whether I should be married or not.

And I don't think we want to say to singles, hey, just suck it up, you know, life is hard. Here's a point that they make, I like the way they frame this, singleness exists in tension with God's creation order of marriage. It's not good that man should be alone. But then the authors say, you cannot escape the tension of singleness. And it includes loneliness, it includes frustration, it might include financial difficulties, I'm reading from the book, pressure or criticism from family, fear and insecurity, and grief for unfulfilled dreams.

The realities of the Fall affect us in whatever state we're in, and the effects of the Fall will be felt in a particular way in singleness. Right. The authors here point out that Jesus Christ remained a single man to begin a new creation. He never married, he never fathered any children, and he was fulfilled. Right.

The point of Scripture is that Jesus is the ultimate groom. He will be married, and He will be the groom of His people. Another point, singleness offers opportunities for undivided devotion. And of course, the authors point out the Apostle Paul, Augustine, and others, Richard Sibbes, who was single his whole life, Mary Slessor, Amy Carmichael, quoting the Apostle Paul, "'He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

Yeah, I think this is a critical point. So if you're watching, do you have the gift of singleness? Probably not. You might, but it's statistically unlikely. The rule is it's not good for man to be alone.

The exception is, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, I wish everyone was like I was so that they could be fully devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the things that come with marriage. But he recognizes in 1 Corinthians 7 that not everyone can accept that, not everyone has been given the gift that God had given him. However, everyone has single years. So the answer to the question is, do you have the gift of singleness is probably not. The answer to the question is, the answer to the question, will you have single years?

For everyone the answer is yes. So what should you do with your single years? Well, 1st Corinthians 7 gives us the roadmap to that. It is a time where you can be uniquely devoted to serving the Lord, pursuing the Lord, in a way that you're not at liberty to when you have this other person that you've taken on tremendous obligations towards. Right.

I think the way to say it is that every person is gifted with single years. I don't think he's talking about a spiritual gift. I've heard people talk about, do you have the gift of singleness? I don't believe he's talking about a spiritual gift in terms of the classic, 1 Corinthians 12 and 14, spiritual gifts. It's a gift from God for a season, or maybe your whole life.

Let's see, what are some other things here? Suggestions, betrothed yourselves to Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit. In other words, you know, set your whole self to serve the Lord. Set your whole self to serve the Church of Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Hey, I can say this. The use of my single years set me up in a unique way, meaning that God saved me early, and I was seriously discipled starting in my junior high years, and was significantly dedicated to matters of spiritual growth during my high school and college years. And I'm a pastor today because of those years. I didn't end up on a trajectory that sent me through the normal way that people become pastors through seminary. I sort of missed the window for that on the track that God put me on.

It's because there was a significant level of consecration to the Lord and devotion in those early years that set things in place. So how you spend your single years, whether you use those years to really run hard after the Lord, draw near to the Lord or not, is setting yourself up for very different future lives. Yeah, I was a pastor at age 26, but I didn't get married till I was 28. I was single for two years of being a pastor. They make this point, flee the vices of worldly singleness.

What's that all about? So what will you do with all the liberties of singleness? I think that's really the question. They can be used for single-minded devotion to the Lord, which is what's being called for in 1 Corinthians 7, or they can be used to feed all sorts of plans that only center on yourself. So you're making a choice, you have liberties that you'll never have again in your life, probably.

Even if you don't get married, your career is going to progress and there's going to be more demands on you. What will you do with those early single years? Yeah, bucket lists can include that type of thing, just getting obsessed by doing what you want to do, things like that. I really thought this was an interesting point, listen to this, avoid unrealistic expectations about your resources. And what they're talking about is people think, oh, you're single, you have all the time in the world, come and do whatever I want you to do.

You can get turned into the church or household or neighborhood servant because everyone presumes that you don't have any obligations because you don't have a marital obligation. Yeah, quote, do not allow people in church or other volunteer organizations to pressure you to always say yes, as if you had unlimited time and energy because you were single. Learn to say no. Thought that was great. Okay, you know, investing in friendships is one of the points.

Let's see, what else here? I like all the points in this thing. Here, how about this one? Pray for grace to endure the afflictions of singleness. This one thing I really like about this booklet, it's honest.

There are afflictions. I felt there are afflictions, even though I didn't have to wait that long, right? What are some of those afflictions? Maybe we mentioned some of them, loneliness and things like that. Yeah.

Hopelessness. They cite substance abuse, pornography, self-harm, or even suicide. Just you get so discouraged. Singleness can equal isolation, meaning if you're single, and then you choose to live alone, and you choose to not have a robust local church life, you really can't end up, and that, as you know, the more isolated you are, the higher the risks are that you go off the rails, people don't notice, people don't challenge you, people don't speak into your life about it because you haven't given them a window into your life, so I think that's partially what the book is addressing. Yeah, here's one, don't be afraid or embarrassed to pursue marriage.

Marriage is a good gift. You know, don't act like you don't want to get married. Almost everybody wants to get married. You know, you don't have to pretend that you don't want to get married. I love that.

The book starts out, the very first thing you said from the book was God's sovereign over if you get married and when you get married. But now it's saying, don't be afraid to seek marriage. The doctrine of the sovereignty of God is never a crutch for inactivity. If you think something is good and desire to have it in your life, to take steps in that direction is entirely appropriate. So here's a point for the 0.25%.

Consider intentional singleness to serve God's kingdom. Marriage is good, but it's possible that you might glorify God more by a single life. Most people don't think that way, but I think it's wise that the authors bring that up. It's a legitimate way to live. Yes.

When you look at Paul in the New Testament, how he described his life, the risks that he took, the privations that he suffered. That is a single man's life. In other words, if we had a husband that was taking those risks and doing those things, we would probably put him under church discipline, honestly, as a lousy husband. You take on the obligations to be there and not take those risks, and so a single life affords these opportunities that a married life does not. Here's one.

Remain open to marriage throughout your life. It's easy to give up and say, I'll never get married. Hey, I know of two men, one got married in his early 40s. He waited that long, he found a wife. Another very dear friend got married when he was, I think, 45 or 46.

Isaac was 40. I know somebody that got married when they were in their mid-50s. And they were single their whole life long. So you don't have to give up on marriage. It's okay.

Here's another one. Remember that marriage is no one's final state. In heaven, they are neither married nor given in marriage. Yeah. The danger of endlessly pining away for marriage is the thought of what you'll experience if you get what you're pining away for, and it's not the thing that will satisfy every need that you have.

And so thinking of marriage as the solution to all your problems and the source of your great fulfillment is a big mistake. And in fact, if God gives you a spouse in that condition, you're going to be imposing demands and expectations on them that they were never desired to, never designed to fulfill and that are really unfair. Okay, the last one is my favorite because we just did a conference on the chief end of man. What is the chief end of man? Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

So this is the last point. Live in hope, not of marriage, but for the glory of God. There's nothing wrong with desiring to be married, but do not put your hope in your spouse. Put your hope in the glory of God. You can glorify God in whatever state you find yourself.

Amen. Hey, so there it is. This is a great book. I like everything in it. I hope you read it.

And thanks for joining us on the Church and Family Life podcast. Hope to see you next time. Thanks for listening to the Church and Family Life podcast. We have thousands of resources on our website, announcements of conferences coming up. Hope you