Welcome to the Church and Family Life podcast. Do you feel that you need to get a better parent? Well, we're here to talk about why you actually need imperfect parents. Hope you enjoy the discussion. Every once in a while we run across kids, usually in their teens, who have grown sour on their parents.

Yeah, I think the question on the table is this. How do children learn to honor imperfect parents? Because there's only one, If you're going to honor parents, there's only one kind of parents to honor, and that's the imperfect ones. That's all you get. That's all you get.

Yeah. There are variations in the amount of imperfections. So that definitely is true. Some parents are easier to honor and others are harder, but they're all imperfect. And I've said this many times before, but the problem, the problem with children is that they get young, inexperienced parents right out of the gate.

And you get parents that are always in a learning curve, and you get parents who have imperfections. Everybody has imperfect parents. Everybody gets raised not exactly perfectly. So, and that's a real problem. So let's start with the apostle Paul, Ephesians 6, 2 and 4.

Paul writes this to the Ephesians, honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth and you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." So Paul here starts by quoting the fifth commandment from Deuteronomy five verse 16. And it's a commandment, he notes that this is a commandment with a promise. It's the first one that comes with a promise, it actually comes with a sweetener. So we should just start by saying God doesn't have an obligation to put a sweetener into a commandment for obedience. He's God.

We owe him obedience, whether he promises something particularly good to come from it or not. But this one, the command to honor your father and your mother, he actually is so interested in obedience to this commandment that he attaches a promise of welfare. It will go well for you if you honor your father and your mother. So he shows you a track that ends with good for you, and he makes this a matter not only of obedience to him but also of your own self-interest. Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, it's interesting too. He doesn't say, be a perfect parent, and your children will honor you. He starts out actually with the assumption that there's a temptation not to honor. And hey, the reality is parents really want to be good parents. Have you ever met anybody who wanted to be a bad parent?

Yes, but not very many. But not very many. Yeah. It's ironic. In 2015, Time Magazine published a story that was titled, help my parents are millennials.

And the art, but the article, but the article is, was based around this survey of 2, 700 US mothers between the ages of 1844, 18 and 44 and 80% of these millennial moms felt it was important to be quote, the perfect mom. I mean, so you have, you have parents, like, you know, almost every parent wants to be a great parent. Okay. But at the same time, they are, as you said, imperfect. The only kind of parents you get are imperfect parents.

So what does this have to do with us? Unfortunately, it has a lot to do with us. I'm actually seeing a trend, not one or two families, but many families, who are experiencing children as they get older who seem to be very blind to the tremendous advantages and investments that have been made in their lives. They've been handed tremendous advantages, They can't see it. Tremendous investments have been made in their lives.

To them, it seems like they haven't received much or anything at all. At the same time, they seem to be inordinately fixated on the imperfections and sins of their parents. And sometimes they're right in the assessment there are imperfections and sins in their parents, but that doesn't make them fundamentally different than other people. And it doesn't mean that they don't have good parents, loving parents, godly parents. When you can't see the advantages that you've been given and you get inordinately fixated on the sins and imperfections of your parents, then you cease to be able to honor them.

And the truth is, God commands us to honor our parents while they're alive and even after they're not alive. It's a violation of this commandment to dishonor parents even after they're dead. But there's a sweetener. I don't like it when I see it, but it also grieves me at the self-harm that is done by children who can't bring themselves to honor their parents. Yeah, self-harm I think is really a good word because the Bible makes it clear that dishonoring parents is one of the most dangerous things that a person can do.

Of course you quoted you know Ephesians 6 already and your parents may be blameworthy, they may have some particular sins, but at the same time God focuses on the heart of the child for his own success. And in Ephesians 6, a child's success is dependent on honor. Dishonor toward your parents is one of the most dangerous, debilitating things you can do. The Bible makes that very, very clear. So, children, we're going to make some appeals to parents during this podcast.

We're going to make some appeals to children. Here's the first appeal to children, act in your own self-interest. God says it will go well with you if you honor your parents. There's a sweetener in here for the obedience to this commandment. He's setting you on a track that ends up in your own welfare.

Act in your own self-interest. Here's some scripture, Proverbs 23, 22. Listen to your father who begot you, not because he's perfect, because he begot you. And do not despise your mother when she is old. That really implies, you know, aging children with aging parents.

Children looking back on their life and and then getting beset with dishonor. Proverbs 30 verse 17 makes it really clear that that hardship is going to follow children who dishonored their parents. The eye that mocks his father and scorns obedience to his mother, the ravens of the valley will pick it out and the young eagles will eat it." Wow, that's not pulling punches. Yikes. I mean you have just tremendously stern realities that face children who who begin to grow a heart of dishonor toward their parents.

It is dangerous. So Scott, we have this phrase in popular usage, first world problems. So we use that phrase when we're talking about something that is a problem here in America where we have lots that wouldn't be considered even a minor nuisance somewhere else, like I can't get a parking spot at the mall. What is that? That's a first world problem.

I've been to Malawi, they have power continuity problems where half the time or more than half the time you actually don't have electricity. They don't want to hear about how you can't get a parking spot at the mall. So in a good family that has parents that want to do well, that are godly, that are devoted parents, though imperfect and sinful, what would be an example of a first world problem? Well, I'll give the first one, maybe you can think of one. A child feels like freedom and an extent of freedom hasn't been extended as soon as they think it should have been extended.

So parents and children often have a very different view of this, how quickly should a certain amount of freedom be given. All parents want to give freedom as soon as they feel comfortable giving it, but the question is, where's the comfort level? Children are very comfortable with lots of freedom, and it wouldn't be prudent of a parent to do that. And sometimes parents are actually very slow, and their confidence catches up later than it should. But to children, I think we want to say, God hasn't put 15-year-olds, 16-year-olds, 17-year-olds in charge of deciding that when the freedom should be given.

It's actually been given to the parents who have decades more of data and experience to navigate by. That doesn't mean they always get it right, but they are navigating by more experience and information. So that's a first-world problem. I think my parents should have given me this level of freedom six months ago and they still haven't given it to me or a year ago and they still haven't given it to me. Yeah, that's a first-world problem.

The more You live and see people who are growing up in homes that actually don't have God-fearing, Bible-loving parents. The more you'll find out that their critiques of their parents are about things that are fundamentally different than that. Yeah. God gives parents authority to open those doors of freedom. It's the sovereignty of God.

And Children need to really recognize God's sovereignty in the limitations that authorities have, because for the rest of their lives they're going to be constrained by authorities. Their bosses, their civil leaders, God himself in nature. You know, God is gonna cause storms and troubles and all kinds of things to limit your freedom. And when you get married, you find that as you live with another person, it's not good to just do whatever you want to do. You need to learn how to do what the other person wants to do.

So not being able to be reconciled with God's timing is a disaster later on because your sense of timing is always going to be constrained by somebody somewhere. Scott, I was talking to a dear friend of ours, a pastor in Malawi, and I was describing, Mala, I'm seeing this and I'm seeing it not in one family, but multiple families in multiple different churches, and I don't know what to make of it. He said, hey, you tell those kids, we have all these college students, they didn't grow up in Christian homes, they didn't have parents that care about the things they care about, they grew up in ungodly homes, you tell them we'll make a trade, we'll switch. Tell them we've got young people over here who would kill to have their slot and if they don't appreciate their slot to give it up to one of our young people and I thought wow that's a different perspective but one that's really helpful. Hey when you are blind to the advantages and the investments that you're getting, just know there's somebody else in another part of the world, or maybe even down the street, it would kill to have those advantages and investments.

Yeah, you know the scriptures are devastatingly clear and actually incredibly stern. In Exodus 21 17 we read about just how extreme dishonor is so grievous to this degree. He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. Children should not misunderstand how grievous and how dangerous it is before God to curse their parents. Exodus 21 15, Now this is a level of dishonor that probably most will not find.

He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. When you get to the point, you know, where you want to physically engage your parents, you really are in danger with God. That's Exodus 21.15. Leviticus 19.3. Every one of you shall revere his father and his mother and keep my Sabbaths.

I am the Lord your God. Here, Moses puts in juxtaposition honoring God in the Sabbath and revering father and mother. They are actually related. Revering God and revering father and mother have some connection. They're kind of in the same category.

So it's a danger. And every child that has dishonor growing in their hearts needs to understand what position they're putting themselves in. I mean in Ephesians 6 and in the 10 Commandments, it will go well with you if you honor your father and mother. If you don't, you will be banging your head against the wall. Yeah.

Let's talk about the fifth commandment and what it actually requires. So the fifth commandment is honor your father and your mother. So is what is required honor the honorable? No. Honor the honorable?

No. God is saying, I deem parents worthy of honor by virtue of my making them your parents. So the assessment of honorability isn't handed to anyone. It's actually... God has determined them worthy of honor by making them your parents.

So, are some parents more honorable and some parents less honorable, of course that's true. Will honor look different towards a parent that is very dishonorable in many different ways? Of course the honor will look different. But honor is required of both father and mother by virtue of God giving them to you as your parents. Yeah, how ridiculous to say honor your father and mother as long as they're doing a good job.

Well, you know, the child is going to end up having children somewhere, and they're not going to do a good job in everything. But God requires the children to honor the parents, whether they're doing a good job or whether they're doing a bad job. Now we could talk at length with how to deal with, you know, parental sins, which are egregious and damaging and very, very harmful and maybe even illegal. I don't I don't think that's where we're going in this podcast. I think we want to we really want to talk about children who are dishonoring normal parents who don't do everything right.

Not abusive parents, not egregious situations. We're not addressing those here. So I'm preaching through Genesis right now. We're in Genesis chapter 3. So you have the fall of mankind into sin, the serpent deceives Eve and she eats and then she gives to her husband and He's right there with her.

He's silently by her side and he eats too. And it plunges humanity into a world of sin. Now sin is going to pervade and touch everything that we do and the consequences for sin. Then right on the heels of that you have the curse, and then right on the heels of that, right after the curse, the very next verse is Adam giving a name, a specific name to his wife, Eve, because she is the father of all living. So he actually gives her a name of an honor, a name of honor right after sin, the curse, and it got me thinking.

There are certain people who are famous in the Bible for their sins, and Adam and Eve are actually some of those people who are known, are marked out for their sins. Imperfect people, I think there are good signs here that we'll actually see them in heaven. I think there are signs in the text that that's true. But they're imperfect, they're sinful, and yet their children owed them honor because they deserved honor as the parents of their children. And so all the children that have been born since then I owe my parents honor.

So I have I have very wonderful parents very easy parents to honor but I didn't have perfect parents like everyone else doesn't have perfect parents and I did have parents who sinned in certain ways so let's say you said Jason make a list they're just the imperfections and this descends of your parents Here's the response you would get from me. Scott, take a hike. I'm not undertaking that exercise. My parents gave me, though imperfect and though sinners, my parents gave me tremendous advantages and I can see the investments that they made in my life and I see them better now at 50 than I did at 15, better than at 20, better than at 30, better than at 40. Every year I live and see people who grew up in sort of different environments, I see the investments and the advantages that they handed to me.

So I don't think it's my job to make a list of their imperfections and their sins. I want to acknowledge the good part that they played in my life and honor them. That's my job. Somebody else will have to make the list of their imperfections and sins. I don't think God wants his people running around disappointed about the things that have happened to them, but to rejoice in whatever good.

Here's what Solomon says in Proverbs 1, 8 through 10, My son, hear the instruction of your father, do not forsake the law of your mother, for they will be a graceful ornament on your head and chains about your neck. It's a blessed thing to honor your father and mother. It is like an ornament rather than a source of disconsolation and discouragement and dissatisfaction. Dishonor makes a dissatisfied person and a person who actually has really ignored the sovereignty of God in their life. Yeah.

So could we turn to exhortations to parents and children? I'll start. Parents, Understand that honor from your children isn't a given and that you have a role to play in helping them understand the advantages they have in your home and the investments that you're making in their life. If you don't do that, you might wake up one day and find that they've been blind to tremendous advantages that you've handed to them, but they can't see it, tremendous investments that you've made in their life, but they can't see it. Meanwhile, they're focused on your imperfections.

So you need to help them understand how other people who are growing up without disadvantages, how that impacts their life and how they'll walk into their adulthood without that baggage that so many other people have. Now, I've had a conversation with someone who heard me say that and they said, wow, that can be done really wrong. And that can be done in a way that's so self-serving and makes it sound like you should wake up in the morning thanking your lucky stars that you were a brown, or that you were a dome, or that you were a fill in the blank and always sort of hanging that over their head. I don't mean that, but I do mean we need to help our children see the tremendous harm that comes out of so many homes and how you've actually, we're actually making sacrifices and organizing our lives in a way that holds them back from the harms that so many people are going into adulthood with. To children, make it your occupation to honor your parents, to obey God, and for your own self-interest.

Let other people be the ones who make lists of the imperfections and sins of your parents. When Noah grew grapes and squeezed the grapes out and made wine and got drunk. He had one child who laughed at him and called the attentions of his brothers to it. And he had two sons who took a blanket and they, well, one had one side of the blanket, the other had the other side of the blanket, and they walked in backwards so they wouldn't gaze on their drunk, naked father and they covered him with a blanket. Those are the kinds of children we should be.

Yes, with an imperfect father, but honoring even in the presence of those imperfections. Amen. Amen. Well, I'd like to address children, and I want to just ask what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a merciful person or do you want to be a merciless person?

And I want to read Colossians 3, 12. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering, bearing with one another and forgiving one another. If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection, and let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which you were called in one body and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord.

Do you want to be known as a merciful or merciless person and just recognize the ornament that honor is and the danger of dishonor? Thank you for joining us on the Church and Family Life podcast. Hope to see you next time. We encourage you to check out ChurchandFamilyLife.com