A great way to determine how a man will perform in the office of elder is to look at how he is performing in the role of father and husband. Paul told Timothy that any man seeking the eldership "must manage his own household well" (1 Tim 3:5). This management works itself out both in his marriage and in the raising of his children. The fact is that it is foolish to think that a man will be a better elder than he is a father and husband.

The title of this message is The Family Life of an Elder, an absolutely vital topic. The quality and characteristics of the family life of an elder. If you look at the two lists of qualifications in 1st Timothy 3 and Titus 1, you'll find really three categories of qualifications. The first is personal holiness, the man's character, how the condition of his heart manifests itself in his life things like of good behavior not violent gentle this has to do with the fruit of the Spirit in his life a Christian being indwelt by the Holy Spirit and then the Spirit produces things in his heart and that works its way out in things that you can actually observe in his life. This is the first category, personal holiness, or the man's character.

The second category is the ability to teach and to defend sound doctrine. For a man to be an elder, he must be able to teach well. He must be able to competently teach the Word of God to the people of God and to defend sound doctrine. This is about the the primacy of the Word of God for the Lord's people. And then finally, the third category is his family life.

Things can be in order in his moral life, things can be in order in his doctrinal and teaching life, but that is not enough. If things are not in order in his home that he's not ready to be an elder, he cannot serve as an elder. Paul in 1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 5 says, For if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God? The argument is this, if you want to know what kind of an elder a man will be, look at what kind of husband and father he has been and is. Are you with me?

You have a way to know what kind of elder a man will be. Look at his wife. Look at his children. Look at how his home is ordered. If you want to know whether the Lord's people will flourish or languish under his leadership, look at whether his wife and children are flourishing or languishing.

This is just an outworking of the principle in Matthew 25 verse 23. It is the one who has been faithful with smaller things, who is entrusted with larger things. Isn't this how we behave in every other category of life? You master and you're faithful with the smaller things and then you are entrusted with larger things. Well, it's the same in this category.

Men are graciously given by God a wife. That marriage is graciously given by God children, and then they learn to walk beforehand in the married condition, in the condition of being parents. And as they're faithful with it, in some ways that family is like a little church in many ways. So that if it's doing well, if it's flourishing, you can know that this man who has cultivated conditions in his marriage and with his children that allow them and help them to flourish, that those are the same conditions that he'll help to cultivate in a local church. Regardless of how otherwise wonderful or gifted you believe a man to be, the proof is in the pudding.

And there is no biblical or rational basis for believing that a man will be a better elder than he is a husband and father." I'll repeat that, that might be the most important sentence I'll say. There is no biblical or rational basis for believing that a man will be a better elder than he is a husband and a father, that he'll do better with greater things than he has done with smaller things, less people. As we consider this topic let's ask the Lord to help us. Holy Spirit of God we pray that you would produce an abundance of your fruit in our lives and that this would be evident, it would work its way out in our homes, that there would be such a savor of love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control. All of these good fruits of your spirit would find their way into the lives of our homes and it would be in a way that is evident to people who are familiar.

Oh give us men who serve their wives and their children so sacrificially and well, who bathe them so thoroughly in your word that they flourish. Don't languish, help us to recognize them, help us to set them in leadership among your people. We pray this in Jesus name, Amen. There are two issues to consider here, considering the family life of a potential elder and they are the issues of the end of Ephesians chapter 5 in the beginning of Ephesians chapter 6. Marriage, that's at the end of Ephesians chapter 5, does the man's marriage reflect the gospel picture of Christ in the church.

Does the man and his wife relate to each other in the way that you see Christ in the church relating with the man leading and laying down his life with the wife respecting and following? And Fatherhood, the topic of the beginning of Ephesians chapter 6, is the man bringing up his children in the training and admonition of the Lord as he exhausting himself to teach his children to fear and love the Lord that he fears and loves. A man's first accountability is to repent and believe the gospel and follow the Lord Jesus Christ. A man is nothing until he repents and believes the gospel and follows Jesus. A man's second accountability is to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

Other than salvation and following Jesus, there's not one thing in his life that's more important than that a man's third accountability is to exert himself to raise his children to fear and love God if God would give him grace. Everything else is either a subset of that or subservient to that. Here's an example. Working for provision. That is a subset of loving your wife, And it is subservient to loving your wife.

In other words, if you have a mode of provision, a job that provides for your family but causes you to not be able to fulfill your obligations as a husband and a father, that that job is unlawful for you. It is subservient. There are greater things in your life. So this is it. First accountability, repent and believe the gospel, follow the Lord's second accountability, your wife, and loving her as Christ loves the church.

The third accountability is to raise your children to fear and love God, and everything else in your life is either a subset of that or below it, subservient to that. So let's consider these in order. Marriage. I'm pulling from both lists of qualifications. So you should have one finger in 1 Timothy 3, you should have another finger in Titus 1, and I'm not taking it by passage, I'm actually taking it by category.

Marriage first and then fatherhood second, and so we'll be going back and forth. Marriage, 1 Timothy chapter 3 verses 1 through 2a, the first part of verse 2. 1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 1, Paul writes, This is a faithful saying. If a man desires the position of an overseer, he desires a good work. A bishop, then, must be blameless, the husband of one wife.

Now turn to Titus 1. In Titus 1, I'll be reading verses 5 through 6a, 5 in the first part of verse 6. Titus 1 verse 5, the Apostle Paul writes, "'For this reason I left you in Crete, that you should set in order the things that are lacking and appoint elders in every city as I commanded you. If a man is blameless, the husband of one wife." And you'll notice that The marriage qualification on both lists, 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, are absolutely identical. The man must be blameless and the man must be the husband of one wife.

But again, the overarching theme is his marriage is like Christ in the church. The thing that is said in Ephesians chapter 5 and unsaid but behind and foundational to what Paul says in 1st Timothy 3 and Titus 1 is that what we're looking for in the marriage is that it's a gospel marriage. It reflects the picture of Christ and the church. The husband acts like Christ acts towards his church. The wife acts like the church is to act towards Christ.

This man must be blameless. This means that a significant charge wouldn't stick, and he must be the husband of one wife, which literally, if you literally translate that, it is a one-woman man. This man as a husband is a one-woman man. And these are at the head of both lists. So you have long lists in 1 Timothy 3, long lists in Titus 1, they both begin exactly the same way, blameless husband of one wife, which highlights the importance.

These had the lists on purpose, so vitally important. So if you charged him with having a poor marriage, if you charged this man with having a marriage that was inconsistent with the picture of Christ in the church, it wouldn't stick. The people who know him, the people who have observed his marriage over time, the people who had been in his home a lot would say, no, that's not true. This is a marriage that reflects how Christ relates to his church. Every marriage has imperfections, but the question is what is the pattern of the marriage?

This man, a qualified man, has a pattern of life where he prioritizes his wife. He pays attention to his wife. Inordinate, disproportionate attention to his wife. It matters to him most, among people it matters to him most, that she flourishes. His eyes don't wander, he isn't too friendly or flirtatious with other women.

It's his wife who has his attention, it's his wife who has his eyes. He's a one-woman man. The text does not say never divorced, it says a one-woman man or the husband of one wife, although some believe that never divorced is included in what it means to be a one-woman man. I personally do not hold that view and I believe it has a number of serious problems and I'd be willing to discuss that with anyone who wants to in a brotherly way later if you'd like to. But certainly if there is a divorce in a man's past, it cannot be in a man's recent past.

Even I who believe that it doesn't mean never divorced would say that if there is a divorce and a man's past at a bare bare bare minimum it means slow down. There are reasons for divorces. So if you hold the liberal view, it's sort of exhilarating to be the liberal every once in a while. I'm so used to being the wacko conservative that when I get to be the liberal here I sort of relish it. Even to hold the liberal view I would say it means you should slow way down.

You have so much to understand if a man has a divorce in his past. So that's marriage. Does he have a marriage that reflects the gospel picture? Does he prioritize his wife? Does it do his eyes wander?

Is he too friendly or flirtatious with other women, or is he qualified, is he a one-woman man? Isn't it wonderful to know that the Lord Jesus Christ is a one-woman man, and that the church is his woman, the object of his affection. If you think about it in those terms, what a one-woman man means becomes so clear. Next, fatherhood. Again, the overarching theme is something that is unsaid in the passage.

It is, is this man giving God what he desires? Godly offspring, right? This is Malachi chapter 2. Why are the two one? I desire godly offspring.

Why the uniting of a man to a woman? God desires an increase of worshipers in the world. Back to 1st Timothy chapter 3. I'll be reading 1st Timothy chapter 3 verses 4 and 5. So we pick up midstream, so grammatically this isn't going to be complete because we're picking up midstream in the list, not a problem.

1st Timothy chapter 3 verse 4, the Apostle Paul writes, "'One who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence. One who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence. For if a man does not know how to rule his own house well, how will he take care of the Church of God? There are two aspects here. The first aspect is he's good at governing his own household, he's good at it, and you can tell when you observe it you can tell that this man is good at governing his household.

Are you familiar with Mussolini? Mussolini was an Italian dictator at the time of the Second World War, he was an ally of Hitler, and if you read the history books about him, what they all say is that he made the trains run on time. In other words, before the dictator, everything was sloppy, the trains didn't run on time, but he came and he made the trains run on time. But he had a miserable citizenry. His people were not well served even though the trains ran on time.

A dictator can make the train run on time. That's not what it means to be good at governing a household. It's part of it. Organization, order, and predictability in a household is part of being a good governor of a household, but the human factors are so much more important. Making the trains run on time in a home doesn't make a wife flourish.

A wife can be languishing but the trains run on time. And same with the children. Making the trains run on time doesn't make children flourish. Children can be languishing but everything seems to be externally in order. Secondly, his children submit to his leadership.

This is a subset. It's evidence that he's good at governing his home. The evidence here is that his children submit to his leadership. Now here's a note on the New King James translation. The New King James translates it, having his children in submission with all reverence.

The translators decided that with all reverence should be attributed to the submission of the children. The children submit with all reverence, meaning the children submit to this father's authority reverently. There's a way that they submit. It's not just an external submission, but they submit reverently. It's heart submission.

They're not just externally compliant, they actually have an internal submission to the authority of their father. But other translators made a different translational decision and it could be either, and those other translations are... I'll use the ESV as representative meaning the translations are equally split pretty the ones I respect the most are evenly split between one side or the other of this translational decision. Listen to the ESV. "...with all dignity keeping his children submissive." With all dignity keeping his children submissive.

Now these translators have attributed the dignity or reverence not to the submission of the children but to the parenting of the father. So the meaning there is the father parents with the dignity which secures the submission of his children. In a sense, he wins their submission through the dignity and reverent parenting that is so consistent in the lives of his children. The primary meaning of the Greek word being translated is the characteristic of a thing or person which entitles to reverence and respect, and because that's the primary meaning of the word being rendered, the characteristic of a thing or a person which entitles to reverence and respect, I actually prefer the latter, although the ESV is not my preferred translation, but here I like it because it renders it in a way that gives the sense that the father is entitled to reverence because of how he parents his children. The father is entitled to the submission of his children because he parents skillfully and well in a godly way.

That's the consistent pattern of his life, in either case. So let's say you don't buy the argument, no problem. In either case, the father is exemplary in how he fathers these children. Now look at Titus 1 6. Titus 1 verse 6.

Titus 1 6, the Apostle Paul writes, if a man is blameless, the husband of one wife having faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination. There are three elements here. First, he has trained his children to be faithful. That cannot and does not mean that his children must be born again, that he can only be an elder if his children are born again. That would overthrow the doctrine of election.

It would teach that you can parent in such a way as to guarantee that your children will be born again. Never! God is sovereign over salvation. And it would force a man to step down from eldership every time his wife had a baby. Right or wrong?

Are our babies born born again? Are babies born faithful in the sense that they have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ? Never! They are not. The primary meaning of the Greek word being translated here is trusty, faithful, of persons who show themselves faithful in the transaction of business, the execution of commands, or the discharge of official duties.

Just exploding that word out into what is actually being translated helps you see what is actually being communicated here. They're trustworthy and reliable. Unregenerate children can be trained to be faithful in this sense. You give them a responsibility, you can know that they're going to carry it out. Are they born again?

Not yet. You pray that they will be, but this man's children are faithful, not in the sense that they have saving faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, but in the sense that they have been trained to be trustworthy and reliable. Second, his children aren't open to the charge of dissipation. This is not a word I ever use. What in the world is dissipation?

Well the Greek word means an abandoned dissolute life. There are words that we use more. Abandoned, meaning giving yourself over to every inclination of your heart without restraint. Abandoned or dissolute life. The NIV translates it wild, which is good commentary if not good translation.

Finally, thirdly, his children aren't open to the charge of being insubordinate. That is a term we do use. This is a child who simply refuses to obey. Stop doing that and they don't stop. Or start doing that and they won't start they simply refuse to obey this is a child in obstinate rebellion now let's not lose our wits Just like for the man and his qualifications if you say I saw him be angry once he can't be qualified He's unqualified.

He can't serve as an elder because I saw him be angry once that's not what it means It's talking about the pattern of his life It means with a serious charge stick. The same with the children. Children are going to have instant, well-trained children are going to have instances where they prove themselves unfaithful in the instance. They might be insubordinate in an instance. They might be wild, but probably not in this sense, but they might be wild for an instance.

The question is, what is the pattern of their life? What is the pattern of their life? What is the overwhelming disposition of those children? Finally, look at the beginning of verse 7. This follows on into verse 6, having faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination, for, as a result of this, for an overseer must be blameless as a steward of God.

Meaning, talk about marriage, he must be blameless, the husband of one wife, we talk about his children, they must be faithful, not open to these charges of being wild and unruly. For an overseer must be blameless as a steward of God. This is evidence of his stewardship. How he acts in his marriage, what his marriage looks like and is characterized by, how his children act are an evidence of the man's stewardship. This is one way a man proves himself to be blameless as a steward of God, to have received with thankfulness the blessings that God has given them and given a profitable return.

God graciously gave him a marriage. There's a profitable return on the marriage. God graciously gave the marriage children. There's a profitable return to God, to the kingdom of heaven, from the children. He's proven himself blameless as a steward of God.

Three conclusions. Number one. By the way, this is a half hour session. There are some really sticky questions that come with this that I've totally skimmed over the top of, and I know that. I'm not ducking it, I'm working under time constraints.

I'll talk to you about anything afterwards and refer you to Alex. Yeah, payback's a bummer, right? Isn't that the phrase? Number one, these family qualifications speak of a man who has Ephesians 5, the gospel picture of marriage, and Ephesians 6, bringing up children in the training and admonition of the Lord in a state of relative maturity. Marriage and parenting in a state of relatively godly maturity in his life and in the life of his family.

Number two, Churches must stop diving into executive recruiting, the executive recruiting game of chasing unknown and often new and unproven husbands and fathers. I'm gonna say that again because it's important because I fumbled it so bad the first time. Churches must stop diving into the executive recruiting game of chasing unknown and often new and unproven husbands and fathers. So let me just say that in the opposite way. Churches need pastors who are proven husbands and fathers, period, amen.

To chase a man who is new at being a husband and unproven at being a husband and a father is a recipe for disaster. Does that mean I think that a man who's not married with children can never be an elder? No. That's a longer discussion, too. The staple of church leadership should be men who are proven in marriage and fatherhood.

To do otherwise is a recipe for disaster. I just want to say stop the insanity. This is insanity. Picking men to lead churches who are unproven husbands and fathers who have no one to show that they are leading who are flourishing, that is insanity. Number three, finally, We must look for men among us who are good husbands and good fathers whose marriages reflect the gospel picture of Christ in the church, a man who has a pattern of life of leading and laying down his life for his wife and their children have the evidence of being brought up to fear and love the Lord he's bringing his children up in the training and admonition of the Lord and then we should look for the fruit of the Spirit in their lives do we see the evidence of love joy peace patience and on I know there's nine of them and I know I missed a couple earlier.

I'm not going to subject myself to that again. Do they have evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in their lives? Is their moral character therefore impeccable? And then understand if they can teach and defend sound doctrine. Can they define and defend sound doctrine publicly and from house to house, and if all that is in line, make them your pastors.

Father, thank you for the wisdom of your words. Forgive us for when we have rushed ahead, looked for and valued the wrong things. But God, help us now to conform the pattern of our churches to your word so that you are leading your churches, governing your churches by the wisdom, the holy wisdom of your word. We desire it. We want to repent in any area that we've departed and have you rule your church by your word.

We pray for this in Jesus' name, amen.