Scott Brown explains in this audio message that both spouses should strive to promote respect for each promote and be good listeners. Simply put, both spouses should be easy to live with. He brings out four rules that we can apply when it comes to speaking to each other in marriage from the book of Proverbs. The first one comes from Proverbs 15:1 -- the tone of your voice matters.

Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV) - "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

I was thankful that Jason was quoting Jeff Pollard to say, are you relating to your wife in a way that makes her sorry to be, she's a woman? Well, you could flip it as well and you could ask, are you relating with your husband in a way that makes him sorry he's been appointed to be the head. Both of those can be very, very, Very difficult. Your marriages, you know, can easily be dulled and made no fun at all. If you're hard to live with.

And I, I wanna ask, are you hard to live with? There are people who are easy to be with and there are people that are hard to be with. Now it's One thing to have a friend that might be hard to be with or easy to be with, but to have a spouse that's hard to be with is a whole other matter. And This is a matter of love. I said at the beginning of the morning that we were going to spend our morning talking about love.

What does love actually look like? We've been to 1 Corinthians 13. We've talked about infatuation And the endorphin dump that happens to everybody and how it's just just better, the quicker you get over that, the better, because then you can actually start loving each other in a better way. But. I I just I want you to be easy to live with.

And neither of you being sorry that you were made a man or a woman. But that you're thankful because the the creation order is working properly. Now, sin is always there to gum up the wheels of the creation order. We just have to recognize that. We already know that.

But there are many things that are involved in being easy to live with. And there are many of them. Listening to one another makes you a person easy to live with. Cutting one another off, finishing one another's sentences, reacting without listening, is a way to be really hard to live with. I've found that people who are having trouble in their marriage often it's because they never really learned how to talk.

They always interrupt each other. They're just bouncing off of each other and they don't listen. They they never learned how to talk and they never learned how to hear. And I don't know where any of you are in that, but when things get hot and when things get tight it's hard to hear and it's easy to just react. But to respond to one another Christianly is to be easy to live with.

To comply with one another, to be cognizant of one another, to comply with one another is to be easy to live with. To prefer one another in honor is to be easy to live with. To be patient with one another is to be easy to live with. I want you to be easy to live with. You know, Deborah's been very easy to live with.

I'm so thankful for that. That was one reason I think I might have married her. She was just so easy to be with. It was just completely effortless and it's really remained that way. So I want to talk about talking to one another and I want to give you four rules for speaking to one another out of Proverbs.

And I was listening to Proverbs recently and even even yesterday, I was just stunned at how much help there is in Proverbs regarding the use of your tongue and how you talk to one another. And so I'm going to give you four rules. For speaking to one another And the first rule comes from Proverbs 15 verse 1 and the rule is your tone matters. Your tone matters. So watch your tone.

Proverbs 15 1, a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger. So you're always at a crossroads when wrath comes to you. The problem with someone who is speaking wrathfully to you, hotly to you, is that it's so easy just to become the same and respond in kind and If your spouse is talking to you in an ungodly way an impatient way a harsh way a Demeaning way. What are you going to do? Well, you can just do what your heart tells you to do, and that is just strike back and hit back.

By the way, in this book, Building a Godly Home, the section on husbands in marriage. William Gogue addresses this. It's very funny the way he does it. He says that a husband needs to recognize that his wife is different than she is. And I'm going to paraphrase what he says, but it's like he says she runs hotter.

And she gets in your face, and she speaks passionately to you when she's upset. And so Gouge recognizes the box canyon that puts a man in. What's he going to do? You can fight your way out of the canyon. What are you going to do?

Most men, you know, are built to fight their way out of the canyon. And they're going to bring up 400 arguments, you know, against the propositions that were just brought. Plus, they don't like the spirit with which it's been brought. But your tone matters. That's Proverbs 15, 1 makes it really clear that your tone matters.

And what William Gooch tells husbands to do is that when your wife's tone gets really hot, recognize she runs hotter than you do. You know, men tend, I know this is not universal, but men tend to communicate in a cooler way. Maybe it's because half their brains are dead, that's possible. But he says, when your wife is running really hot, just let her talk. Just let her talk and let it go right over your head.

And don't, you don't have to respond to absolutely everything that she says. So your tone matters. A soft answer turns away wrath. Well this is just a technique, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You can throw gasoline on the fire if you want, But your tone really matters.

And tone is like gasoline in a conversation. And you know, you can say things different ways, right? And the tone actually creates the meaning. Yeah, so tone matters. This is a matter of love.

This is how love works out with your tongue. You know, out of the heart the mouth speaks. Now, when you speak with a bad tone, well there's something else going on deeper. It isn't the tone That's the primary issue. The primary issue is that you have a bad tone in your heart and it came out Now you want to fix both, you know, if you fix if you fix the heart, you'll be able to fix the tone But it starts in the heart So the tone matters secondly this brings us to verse 2 in Proverbs 15, verse 2.

Your sensitivity matters. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. So when you're in a conversation you're dealing with knowledge. Information is being transacted between you. And there's knowledge.

So what wise people do is they use the knowledge rightly. Part of using knowledge rightly is to see below the surface. Part of knowledge rightly has to do with seeing how things could go wrong in the way that you respond. Using knowledge rightly, I believe, includes actually listening carefully. What couples often do is that one spouse says something that's a little bit intimidating to the other spouse and then there's just a knee-jerk reaction.

Using knowledge rightly would better be applied by asking a question. Can you tell me more? That's a question you can use. Can you just tell me more? What did you mean when you said, when you used that word?

What did you mean by that? Could you just help me understand? Well, you've got to get the knowledge down, right? Couples are often they end up escalating conflict And they didn't really completely understand each other going up the line. All they know is now they're just left with a big mess.

Because they've said things they shouldn't have said. But part of the problem was they didn't really understand what the other spouse meant. Now that happens in all kinds of conversations. You can misunderstand. But the tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly.

That means the tongue of the wise makes inquiry. You have to make sure that Your knowledge is proper, that's accurate, and then you need to understand how to deal with that knowledge. On the contrary, the mouth of the fools pours forth foolishness. So you have these two kinds of people. They use the knowledge rightly.

That happens through probing and then there are those who just shoot their mouths off. They just say whatever comes to their mind. Here's a reality, everything you're thinking is not worthy to be shared. Well again you know you live in a world where everybody thinks you should just throw up on everybody whatever you're thinking. Say whatever you feel.

Well the Bible actually tells you not to do that. You guard your tongue, we'll get to that in a minute. But everything you're feeling isn't worth sharing. Many things that you're feeling are really damaging and you need to bring them before the Lord and actually end up repent, repenting of having feelings that were really contrary to love. And so much damage takes place when people end up thinking that they should say whatever they're thinking and they should not be saying whatever they're thinking.

So your sensitivity matters. And what sensitivity does is that it slows down. And it tries to understand. You know, there's a technique that I've used from time to time with couples who just are constantly in counseling, beating each other up, and they're just going back and forth and back and forth. And they go home and they do the same thing and they make no progress.

And you know what I've done before, someone someone said they did this and I started doing it. You hand one spouse a tennis ball and you say, this ball means that you have a right to speak. And the other person cannot speak until the tennis ball is given. And then it goes back and forth. So there's like a control mechanism.

So they have time to actually hear. And you know, you don't get that tennis ball back until the person is ready to let it go. So you actually listen. Now I know it's kind of a ridiculous thing to do, but often couples need to learn how to, they need to learn how to do things they've never seen before. Maybe they grew up in a family where everybody is just shooting at each other.

And they don't use knowledge rightly and they don't pause and they don't listen. Now, whatever you need to do, get a get a tennis ball, whatever, you know, you know, get a rose and hand it back and forth, whatever. But, you know, recognize that speaking involves. Sensitivity. And the worst thing that can happen in your conversation is if you're just shooting at each other.

So that's rule number two. Your sensitivity matters. And then your self-control matters, Proverbs 13 3. He who guards his mouth preserves his life. He who guards his mouth preserves his life.

But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. So there's there's So there's a principle here of self-control. Your self-control really matters And if you're used to just saying whatever you want, it can be challenging. But you don't want to get used to saying whatever you want in your marriage, you want to get off that train. Stop saying whatever you want.

Consider your ways. You know, lift up your eyes to heaven, lift up your eyes to the hills from whence your help comes. Look to heaven before you speak. Guard your tongue. You know, Solomon said, I've put a guard on my mouth.

And. Proverbs 13, three, he who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. So again, your tone matters. Proverbs 15 one. Secondly, your sensitivity matters.

Proverbs 15 two. And then thirdly, your self-control matters, and that has to do with guarding your tongue. Proverbs 13 3. I want to take you now to Galatians 6, 1 through 3. This, I leave this for last in this discussion about using your tongue rightly, rules for speaking to one another, because it penetrates to the heart of who you really are at the moment.

And it speaks of whether you're even qualified to speak or not. Just because you're a spouse doesn't mean you're qualified to speak. Galatians 6 one through three says that there's actually a qualification. Like you, you know, you need to ask yourself, are you even qualified to speak? Because just because you're married doesn't mean you're qualified to speak.

So, Galatians 6, one. Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you be tempted. Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. So in this passage, you have a number of things going on.

There's a lot of moving parts. You have the brethren. You know, you've got the Christian community there in Galatia. And then you have a man and the man is overtaken in a trespass. He's done something wrong.

He has sinned. It's clear he didn't do the right thing. And then you have the people who are restorers, the ones who are to get him back on track. So how do you get him back on track? Hold on.

You don't just get him back on track. You need to examine yourself. You who are spiritual. Only you who are spiritual should be getting involved in getting people on back on track That means that just because you're married doesn't mean that you're responsible to get that person back on track You have to ask am I qualified at this moment? Am I spiritual in other words is?

My heart reconciled to God Am I operating out of the truth of God or just out of the offense of my emotions? How am I operating? Am I spiritual? You know, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. So you have this qualification of spirituality.

Now let's define that. What is spiritual? Well I think you can easily go back to the definitions of love, the fruit of the spirit, particularly the fruit of the spirit is. So you need to ask yourself, am I qualified? Am I coming in love?

Am I manifesting joy? Am I demonstrating peace? Am I demonstrating patience? Am I demonstrating kindness? Am I demonstrating goodness?

Am I demonstrating faithfulness? Am I demonstrating self-control? Okay, you're qualified. But if you're mad, you're not qualified. So shut your mouth, you who are spiritual.

In other words, you have a responsibility to the one who has sinned. Now this is a person who's actually overtaken in a trespass. You know, the Apostle Paul talked about husbands that were married to men who were caught in a trespass, who sinned. And there's a way that she deals with that husband in sin. She wins him without a word.

Isn't that interesting? She wins him without a word. Now, I don't believe that that means that a woman, you know, can never say anything to her husband who's in sin. I think it's a principle that indicates that she's not a dripping, nagging presence in his life. But she takes care of herself, she's spiritual.

She's living a holy life. And out of her spirituality, just like in Galatians 3, she operates. She focuses on herself, not her husband. She focuses on her own heart and she demonstrates a gentle and quiet spirit before her husband. And she trusts in the Holy Spirit to work in his life.

It doesn't mean that she can't say anything to him, but it means that she's self-controlled when her husband falls into sin. So your spirituality really matters. You're not really qualified to speak unless you are spiritual and you come secondly in a spirit of gentleness that's the second thing. You who are spiritual and that includes all of the laws of love and then you come in a particular way in a spirit of gentleness and then thirdly you consider yourself in other words when you see your spouse and you think your first thought is how have I sinned worse than they in this area how am I just like them when did I last do this you have to go you have to his own heart." So stop telling each other what to do until you've examined your heart. If your spouse does something that's wrong, and they will do things that are wrong, then your first thing to do is ask, how am I wrong like this?

You know, Jonathan Edwards wrote his resolutions. They're very famous. And one of the resolutions is of this same principle, and that is, when you see your He doesn't use the word 10 times, but that's the idea that he's speaking of. Looking to yourself. If you're going to talk, you've got to be looking to yourself too.

Don't just nail your spouse. You need to nail yourself first. Boy this is difficult isn't it? Because in the heat of the moment you know you don't want to go gouge on your wife, you want to go right after her because she's talking so hot. So you have, there's criteria.

In other words, you don't have the authority to talk to restore your spouse without dealing with yourself first. And that's really, really important. It's easy to get upset with people, but not upset with ourselves for the same sins. Usually, here's how it works. If you're upset with somebody else's sin, usually it lurks in your own heart, sometimes worse in you than them.

So, So you have a person overtaken. You have those who are spiritual. That's qualification number one. You have the spirit of gentleness. It must be done in a spirit of gentleness.

It'll fail. It'll fail because a harsh word stirs up wrath, right? We already saw that. It'll fail if it's not done in a spirit of gentleness. Now there may be some miraculous moments, you know, where you unrighteously rebuke your spouse and God turns their heart, but that's not going to happen that's very often.

Because there's a way that God wants you to do it by the Holy Spirit. And then you look to yourself lest you also be tempted. So you examine your own heart and then you bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ in other words you recognize that you are appointed to bear that burden in your life and there I think there are lots of elements of bearing one another's burdens. And we could explain that, but I think what you're talking about here is you're a person who's willing to go the long haul. You're willing to bear with the burden for the long haul.

You're not demanding You know split-second change you're willing to allow the process of sanctification to run sanctification takes time sins in our lives work out over time. They're not eliminated instantaneously and your spouse might sin against you one day and a few days later in the same way. It might happen. Has that ever happened? So that's why you bear with one another.

How much is Christ born with us? He bears with us. He not only bears our sins on his body, But he's patient with us along the whole trend line of our sanctification. And he says this fulfills the law of Christ. What's the law of Christ?

One word, love. That's it. And then it gets worse. It gets actually more convicting. Now we turn to the matter of pride.

You must examine your pride. Are you so high-minded? You're not qualified if you're operating out of pride. For if anyone thinks himself to be something when he's nothing. He deceives himself.

So, you know, pride, pride is really the root of the whole problem. And pride, pride is one of the things that disguises itself in so many ways. Pride disguises itself in being so holy. Pride disguises itself in being, you know, so knowledgeable of the Word of God. You know, pride disguises itself as being so insightful, you know, about someone else's sin.

Pride has a lot of disguises, you know, and that's why he says if anyone thinks himself to be something when he's nothing, he deceives himself. You're not qualified to speak to your spouse about matters like this until you find yourself thinking that you're nothing. Yes, you should have low self-esteem in a particular kind of way. Maybe not every way. Okay, so your spirituality matters.

You have to ask, are you qualified to speak? And I'll just review them. Are you spiritual? In other words, are you filled with the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit? Memorize the fruit of the Spirit and ask, am I this, am I this, am I this, am I this, Am I this?

And if I'm not, then I don't say anything. Secondly, are you doing it in a spirit of gentleness? Thirdly, are you considering yourself and your own sins? Fourthly, are you of the disposition to bear with that person to the very end of their life? Even if they don't get it fixed, you're going to bear with them.

I mean, When you get married, you want to be saying, I don't care what I find out about you, I'm going to bear with you until you're gone from this earth. And then deal with your pride. If anyone thinks himself to be something, he needs to become nothing. So those are the four laws, the four rules for speaking to one another. Number one, your tone matters, Proverbs 15 one.

Number two, your sensitivity matters. Proverbs 15 two, use knowledge rightly. Ask questions. Number three, your self-control matters. Stop saying everything that comes to your mind.

Guard your tongue. Proverbs 13 three. And fourth, your spirituality matters. You must be qualified in order to speak. So those are the rules of the tongue.

When The apostle tells husbands to love their wives. There's a whole lot to that one short statement. It's really a summary statement of the whole Christian life and really a whole marriage and the way that husbands and wives relate with one another. So let's pray. Lord, we fall short in all of these ways.

We have in the past, and Lord, we pray that you give us grace to find ourselves obedient, husbands and wives, not following our own hearts, but following the everlasting truth, falling down from heaven in order to create the kind of culture in our homes that pleases you. Help us, Lord, to create that culture. Pray also, Lord, that you would help these couples teach their children how to talk, how to engage sins of other people in their family, and that you would raise up a generation that knows how to talk to one another. Amen.