In this sermon we learn of the closely-knit correlation between fatherhood and marriage. As he says, “Biblical marriage is essential for biblical fatherhood. It is impossible to be what God has called you to be as a father if you are withholding from giving lavishly to your marriage… There are not bad husbands who are good fathers."

The title of my message this afternoon is the role of marriage in biblical fatherhood. A biblical marriage is essential to biblical fatherhood. It is impossible to be what God has called you to be as a father if you are withholding lavish care from your marriage. Are you with me? It is impossible to be what God has called you to be as a father if you are not giving lavishly to your marriage.

Here is the thesis of my message and I'll spend the rest of my time trying to use Scripture to prove it and it is this. There are not bad husbands who are good fathers. It's not a category. I'm gonna say it again. There are not bad husbands who are good fathers.

The first time I wrote that, I said great fathers. And then I, in thinking, said there's not enough edge on that though I think the Bible would give us a harder edge on that. Let's go to the Lord in prayer. God we simply come to you to ask you that you would help the husbands and the fathers in this room honor Christ. Jesus, you are worthy of all honor and glory and dominion forever and ever and ever and ever.

We want you to receive it in our lives, in our homes, in our churches. Help us. You know how far short we are as husbands. You know how far short we are as fathers. So we come to this refreshing fountain, your word, desiring that you would speak to us.

Oh God, speak to us through your word. We pray in the name of your son amen. Turning your Bibles to Colossians chapter 3. I'm beginning in Colossians chapter 3 because This is a more condensed version. You'll see what I mean by that statement in a minute.

It's counsel on family life by the Apostle Paul to all the Lord's people in all subsequent ages. That includes us. Colossians chapter three, I'll begin reading in verse 17. And I'll read through verse 21. Follow along as I read Colossians chapter 3 verse 17.

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

And then the Apostle Paul goes on to talk about bond servants and their masters. Let's look at what we have here. In verse 17, we're given by the Apostle Paul what the focus of the Christian life is to be. It is to be a life of honoring Jesus, building a life that honors the Lord Jesus Christ. Whatever you do in word or deed, whatever the book would give you to do in this life, You do that with all your heart in order to draw attention to Christ as a transforming savior, to bring honor to him in the world.

And then in verses 18 and 19, Paul begins to address conduct, or our words and our deeds, these things that we do in word and deed. And he starts with marriage. And he says, wives, submit to your own husbands in the Lord. In other words, this category of conduct, the category of a wife in her marriage isn't some isolated thing. It is in the Lord.

It is part of building a life that honors Jesus Christ as a transforming savior. And then husbands are to love their wives. We're going to Ephesians five in just a minute and that's going to be unfolded and what Paul is going to say there is this love is to be defined by Jesus's love for his people. It's good we're going to end up learning that it's that kind of love. Then in verses 20 and 21 Paul moves to the parent-child relationship and he says that children are to obey their parents in all things and then and then this statement which is like a statement he's already used this is well pleasing to the Lord in other words the conduct of a child towards their parents is not an isolated thing.

It is meant to be something that is pleasing to the Lord. It is part of building a life that honors Jesus Christ as a transforming Savior. So these things, these aren't separate things that happen to just be randomly thrown out there. Paul isn't throwing unconnected miscellaneous things out there randomly. That's not Paul at all.

When you study Paul, that would be unthinkable to say that. Paul just has these unconnected things. He wants to touch on some things, so he just throws them out there. It doesn't matter what order they are. They have no connection to one another.

It's just miscellaneous things he wants to say, and so he just throws them out there randomly. If you know anything about the Apostle Paul you know that is impossible. That's not what is happening here in this text. Paul writes like a good chess player plays chess. A good chess player sees the whole board, not one piece in isolation, but the whole board.

And a good chess player is thinking three moves ahead, four moves ahead. Paul's doing that. Paul is thinking three paragraphs ahead, four paragraphs ahead. He has the whole board in view, to use the chess player analogy. He's building, he's developing a logical flow of thought.

In this case, what he's building, the logical flow of thought is this, that Christians are bought with a price. And so we must build a life that reveals the one who bought us as a transforming Savior a life that honors him in our words in our deeds And so Paul launches into the primary categories of life right now. These are not little things these are gigantic towering categories marriage and Parenting These are how we actually spend our lives, the context in which we actually spend our lives, the hours of our day are consumed by marital life. They're consumed by parenting, aren't they? Isn't this our experience?

These are big categories. These are kind of fundamental categories of life. And So marriage needs to be first. It is more fundamental than parenting. Are you with me?

Marriage is more fundamental than parenting is. As important as parenting is, you can't start the conversation about parenting without understanding how it relates to something that's more fundamental which is marriage. And so if I am to honor Christ then I'm to honor Christ in my marriage. Honor Christ isn't a mystical thing it's a very practical thing that has to do with how what my words are like what my deeds are like in the fundamental categories of life like marriage and parenting. If I am to honor Christ with my life then I am to honor Christ in my fatherhood in practical ways not mystical ways in practical ways in the relationships of life.

Now I turn back to Ephesians chapter 5. Colossians chapter 3 is really the compressed counsel that the Apostle Paul gives us for family life. Now he expands it in Ephesians chapter 5 and 6. So I'm going to begin reading in Ephesians chapter 5, verse 18. I'm going to blow right through this chapter break and read through chapter 6, verse 4.

So I follow along as I begin reading in Ephesians chapter five, verse 18. Paul writes, do not be drunk with wine, which is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church and he is the Savior of the body. Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands love your wives Just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

We had Colossians 3. It's incredibly valuable, but in Ephesians 5 in the beginning of chapter 6 Paul unfolds that council and he expands on that council and he explains that council. But did you know we have the exact same flow in chapter five versus 18 through 21. This is about living the spirit filled and thankful life before God. This is very close to how he began.

Colossians three with building a life that honors Christ. This is the the thankful spirit filled life and then in chapter 5 verses 22 through 33 Paul again addresses conduct in marriage starting with the wife just like Colossians 3 then proceeding to the husband just like Colossians 3, and then in chapter 6 verses 1 through 4 he goes immediately to the parent-child relationship, how children should obey, honor and obey their parents, and then to fathers, more counsel to fathers that reads almost word for word what we had in Colossians chapter 3. Now we can say we have a pattern because Paul has done the exact same thing twice and when we consider the whole counsel of God we look from Genesis to Revelation this totally makes sense what what Paul is teaching in Colossians chapter 3 and in Ephesians 5 and 6 is consistent with what we see from Genesis to Revelation. Consider Genesis chapter 1 verses 26 through 28. In Genesis 1 26 through 28 the triune God makes man.

Let us make God in our image. At the end of creation, at the close of creation, he makes an image bearer. It is man, mankind. And he creates them male and female. Man is not singular in that sense, but the two genders, male and female, or the design of God.

He makes a diversity within mankind, and then he blesses them. And he says, be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it. Marriage, the bringing together of male and female, of a man and and a woman, a son of God and a daughter of God, we're talking about the design now, God's design, what he intended and wants is one of his sons, he's captured the heart of this woman he brings them together he makes them one flesh and then he blesses them and say go fill the earth multiply and subdue the earth Or consider Malachi chapter 2 verse 15. God through the prophet Malachi is speaking of marriage here in Malachi 2 15 and a rhetorical question is given.

A rhetorical question meaning the answer is so obvious that you don't need to give the answer. And the rhetorical question is this, did he not make them one? Did God not make them a husband and a wife one? Wasn't it God who did that is the rhetorical question. An answer is intended to be so obvious to answer yes it is God who brings a son of his and a daughter of his together and makes them one flesh.

It's God who does that. That's the rhetorical question. And then we get this and now in the rest of Malachi 2.15. And why? Why one?

He seeks godly offspring. Therefore, let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth." In other words, it is the plan and purpose and design of God to bring a man together with a woman to make them one one flesh such unity between two of them that in a sense they become one and that what is he desiring from that it is it is godly offspring not not just a multiplication of people on the earth but a multiplication of worshippers on the earth godly offspring not just offspring and Then that verse finishes by giving a warning, don't you dare deal treacherously with that wife that God has made you one with. Now what is the implication of that statement? What is the implication that it's inviting disaster to deal treacherously with the wife of your youth. The implication is simply this, you can harm or even kill the mission of producing godly offspring by bad conduct in marriage.

Are you with me? I'm gonna say that again. You can kill God's designed purpose of producing godly offspring by bad conduct, treacherous conduct, in your marriage. Bringing this back into what the Apostle Paul is teaching in Ephesians chapter 5 and then 6, God intends the gospel drama to play out in front of the eyes of little children. God has set up a play in a home, a drama, where the man is given the role of Jesus Christ.

What an impossible assignment that is, and yet this is the task that God has given to the man, a life-consuming task given to the man. You're Jesus in our drama. Act like Jesus. And then the woman is given a role in the drama. All right, you're the church.

You're gonna act like the church in this drama. You relate to this man like the church should relate to Jesus Christ. You relate to this woman like Jesus lavishes care and love affection on his people. And so, marriage and conduct in marriage and what it looks like day to day week to week and month to month in a house is intended to be an asset to evangelization and discipleship in the home. It's intended to be wind in the sails that sends evangelization, bringing children to Christ and discipleship, having them make progress in the faith once they have embraced the Lord Jesus, the conduct in marriage, what they're watching day by day is intended to be wind in those sails and to carry it forward with speed.

But as we all know marriage can be an obstacle to that. It can be an obstacle to the gospel, to bringing children to Christ and then seeing them make progress. It was never designed by God to that. Conduct in marriage, how we relate to each other, how husbands relate to wives and wives relate to husbands, were meant to be an asset to evangelization in your home and to discipleship in your home. I want to give a personal testimony, and it's best represented in the form of a single story from my childhood.

Not all of you were there last night. Most of you weren't. But we heard some testimonies from men who grew up in broken homes. One of the testimonies last night was one of these men, when he was a little boy, was put in the hospital by his father for writing on freshly painted steps with a crayon. His dad put him in the hospital.

And Crote McLeod told of when he was nine years old his mother scooping him up and fleeing the house to a neighbor's house to escape a beating that was in progress. Now you can imagine the obstacle to coming to Christ and and being discipled that such a warped view of conduct in marriage how it its headwinds. God intended this conduct the words and deeds in a marriage relationship to be an asset, to be wind in the sails, but when things like that are happening, it's Tremendous headwinds. It's heading into a hurricane. Here's a testimony from me.

I grew up in a home where things like that were never experienced in any way. When I was ten years old, I was witness to the greatest fight that ever saw my mom and dad have. I have a sister. She's two and a half years older than me. I was probably around ten.

She was probably around twelve or thirteen. These were fireworks in the dome home. I'm a dome. They had their bridge group over the night before. If you're not a card player, bridge is just a kind of card.

I understand it's a complicated game. I've never learned to play it. My parents like to play it. They had a group that would meet once a month, house to house. And it was our turn.

They met in our house. And there was a bridge that night. And we would be asleep long before anyone left. And in the morning, the bridge playing had happened in the morning at the breakfast table, something had gone wrong at the bridge table. Somebody had played the wrong thing at the wrong time or something that I don't even understand about the card game, but the point is there was serious tension.

There was anger over cards at the breakfast table. And there were some very terse words exchanged. No swearing, no yelling, but there was anger, simmering about cards that happened the night before. And my sister and I went off to school convinced that my mom and dad were headed for a divorce, because of a few terse words at the breakfast table. And when we got home from school, everything seemed to be fine.

And when we when we came to the dinner table, it became clear that everything was fine. It dissipated. And there was affection and joy in our home again. That's all I got. In terms of mom and dad fighting stories, That's the bloodiest account I've got.

You know what a gift that is. You know what a gift that is. And my wife came out of a very similar home. She was given that gift too. So the marriage that I watched for almost two decades never contradicted the picture of the gospel.

The loveliness of the gospel was not hidden or veiled by the words and deeds in the marriage relationship that my mom and dad walked out before me. And very similar things could be said of Janet's parents in the marriage relationship that they walked out in front of her. So they, but both sets of parents exposed us to the gospel and there was nothing in their marriage relationship that would have been an obstacle from us as seeing the gospel as lovely. And this is a rare and precious gift. And as Janet and I have watched other marriages of real live warm-hearted Christians who get married and we've been married 26 years now so We've watched a lot of marriages together over our 26 years, and we've seen so many people who were not given that gift by their marriage and the headwinds and what that has meant from them and trying to build a godly home and build a marriage that actually plays out the the gospel in a way that's not warped before their children.

And I just want to exhort you and married people in the room who still have children in the home, Give that gift to your children. Whatever the condition of your marriage is today, remove the baggage from their marriages by changing your words and your deeds in your marriage to reflect the gospel drama that God has always designed it to be. My wife and I could do what we saw and you know what that's pretty much what people do. Do you know that? You can break break free from what you saw, but it takes a lot of energy to break free from what you saw in your own marriage.

It really does. We could do what we saw. Our marriage, our parents live out before us over the period of about two decades and it was a blessing. And that really is the test, isn't it? Will our children be able to do what they saw and have it be a blessing?

Or will it be a curse? I'd like to give you two practical thoughts on the implications from these things in closing. Two practical thoughts. For you husbands. Number one, maybe the most important thing I can do to be a more biblical father, to be a more godly father, is to start loving my wife in a more Christ-like way.

Maybe more important than any fatherhood techniques is to begin loving my wife more like Christ loves the church because of the impact that that has downstream. Now we've rightly I think been approaching this in terms of the parent-child relationship biblical fatherhood how we relate to the children and what I'm saying is there's something that might be more fundamental in your life to biblical fatherhood than anything that you ever say or do towards a child and it's am I living walking with my wife as Christ walks with this church? Am I lavishing that kind of care on my wife because it matters in terms of the parent-child relationship. Like Christ walks with this church and lavishes his affection and his care and his love and his protection and his provision on his bride. What are my children watching?

Are they watching a self sacrificing head who's laying down his life every day in the home for that wife and washing her with the water of the Word, or too often does my family exist to serve me and make my life more pleasurable?" This is the question for us, brothers. If you want to be a more godly father, go be a more Christ-like husband. Number two, and finally, A Christian wife who has been well cultivated. Oh, excuse me, number two. Maybe the second most important thing that I can do to be a more biblical father, a more godly father, is to cultivate the person God has joined to help join to me to help me.

In the first thing, I'm saying The most important thing I can do for the parent-child relationship is tend to the husband-wife relationship. Number two, I'm saying the second most important thing I can do is to cultivate the person that God has joined me to to help me, my wife. Cultivate my wife. I'm going to try to unpack, explain what I mean by cultivating my wife. My wife is my help meat, a suitable helper for me.

God knew who would be the right helper for me and he joined me to her. He made us one and in a sense I'm spending her life or I'm supposed to be. Meaning I'm given headship. There are resources, all manner of resources in a household, in a Christian household, but the most precious resource at the disposal of the head of any household is the one that God has joined to him and made him one with who can help him. And so his direction is that no we're doing this not that.

No I need help with this not that is in a sense spending the life of the help need. Are you uncomfortable with that language? It really is the language of headship. And husbands, I think it helps us to actually think in those terms because something is really serious. When God gives you such a blessing it comes with a high responsibility to say no no no she's spending her own life I don't have anything to do with that.

Lessons the responsibility on you. I don't think God wants that. I think God wants you to feel the weight of spending this help meets life. God gave her to you to help you labor powerfully for his kingdom. To labor powerfully for his kingdom.

If you didn't need the help for it he would not have given you that gift. He didn't give you a maid. He gave you a companion. Heirs together of the grace of life, as Peter says in 1 Peter 3. So sometimes she does laundry, and sometimes she cooks, but it's not because she's the maid.

It's because that's part of her sphere. I do lots of menial things in my day. I can probably match my wife menial thing for menial thing in my work. She's my right arm. She does in the home what I would do.

She's to be this one who's so tightly knit with me that she would do what what I would do, she does what I would do if I were there to do it. And so a Christian wife who has been well cultivated sees that we together as one are headed to something that's totally captivated. In other words, she's been given the vision of what's out there, where we're going. That God has really joined us together to do a lot for the kingdom of God. I needed a helper for a reason.

We have lots to do for Jesus in the world. And we're going there, and she loves where we're going. This is what I'm talking about by a help meet that's been cultivated. She totally understands where you're going and finds where you're going compelling. I think thinking in these terms should make us all a little nervous.

It makes me a little nervous to preach these things, knowing that I preach better than I live in the sense of I really believe that's where my marriage should be headed, but I think we would, upon closer examination of my marriage, we might not find it to be all that. But that's what I want it to be and that's what I think God expects it to be. Do me and my wife have a vision of something out on the horizon that's captivating, that's compelling, that's worth spending both of our lives for. You're spending your life too, you know. Is where we're headed worth spending the one lives we get on?

Following Christ is that compelling and captivating if we get our arms around it, understand what it really is. Together our hearts have been taken captive. Captive, We can't get away from it. So we're headed there together and we love that we're headed there together and our parenting flows out of that. Sometimes the thing you need to do to be a more biblical father is to help your wife help you in being a biblical father and where you're headed together, where your family is headed together.

Don't view biblical fatherhood in isolation. View it in terms of your marriage, both how you conduct yourself and how you bring your wife into this work that God has given you together as one to do in the giving him of godly offspring. A unified vision, a compelling vision, a heart captivating vision that her heart beats for it too. You're doing it together. The alternative to that is having headship and authority without mission, which is disaster.

In that situation where a husband likes the Bible's teaching on headship and authority, but has not embraced the Bible's teaching on mission and a heart captivating place that we're both going, out there on the horizon, He doesn't have time for that, but he likes headship and submission. Is a wife who can't figure out why she would spend her life for where they're headed. And that's where many, many, many, many marriage problems happen, where the man's interested in headship and authority, but not interested in mission. They're not headed anywhere compelling, and the wife's thinking, I have one life to live, and I'm leaving my wife just so my husband can be on a pleasure cruise. That's not compelling.

We wonder why wives are dissatisfied. Brothers, as Peter says at the end of his second letter, 2 Peter, what's that last chapter? The last chapter of 2 Peter. Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ and take her with you. Take her with you in growing and loving Jesus more and knowing his grace more and knowing him more and having your heart more consumed with Christ and what he's like and what he's done for his people and the work that he's given for his people and bring your wife into that please don't leave her behind bring her with you Love him and know the work that he has given you together to do in his kingdom and parent out of that.

This is such a rich context for godly fatherhood. And you've got that, and that is the context for how you're relating with your children, and your wife's completely on board. I think that's what God wants. He wants that in our homes. Let's pray.

Father, you're so kind to give us your word. Thank you for your counsel to us in Colossians chapter 3 and Ephesians chapter 5 and 6. Make us good students of your word, not just hearers but doers who long to be under the authority of it and to whatever you teach us to give ourselves to obeying it, not how we need more obedience in our lives. We do want to build lives that honor Christ as a transforming Redeemer. Help us to do it in the way that we conduct ourselves in our marriages, in the way that we parent our children.

I do pray, O God, that you would give us such a sweet unity in our marriages around the work that you have given us to do in your kingdom. May that be the rallying point of our marriages, loving Christ and following him in the work that he's given us to do. We pray in Jesus' name, amen.