In Deborah Brown's sermon 'Sexual Intimacy in Marriage,' she emphasizes the importance of understanding and applying biblical principles to marriage and sexual relationships. She acknowledges the negative impact of culture and personal experiences on our understanding of marriage and intimacy. Brown directs listeners to focus on the gospel as the foundation for marriage, highlighting the parallels between a wife's submission to her husband and the church's submission to Christ. She identifies common sins and negative attitudes such as selfishness, busyness, fatigue, laziness, and self-righteousness that can hinder sexual intimacy in marriage. Brown urges listeners to seek guidance from Jesus' teachings and to apply them to their marriages and sex lives in order to glorify God and reflect Christ's love for the church.

The National Center for Family Integrated Churches welcomes Deborah Brown with the message sexual intimacy in marriage. If I could have named this session myself, I would have called it Loving Your Husbands and Making Love to Your Husbands and what the Bible has to say about it. But that didn't make the brochure cut. But that is really what I want to talk to you about this morning. Now I know that There are a lot of different women here, lots of different backgrounds.

We have a lot of preconceived ideas that have been brought into this room by our upbringing and by the teachings that we've had, by the parents that we've had, by all the experiences that have been a part of our lives. Every woman here has heard and been taught things that weren't right or biblical about marriage, about love, and about sex. Our culture, that we're immersed in like fish and water, that we don't even know how it affects us, has filled us to the brim and overflowing with bad information about what it means to be married, about what it means to love, what it means to, what the marriage bed looks like. That is the work of Satan. It's, he hates anything that has to do with love and with union and with intimacy, anything that looks like the love of Jesus Christ, he hates.

And even if we think that we are technically unharmed by the experiences that we've had, please, you've got to understand how much your culture has affected you. And it's not only just the culture that's affected you, it's actually just even the sin in your own heart has affected you. And I think that for most of us, our first picture of marriage and sex was painted for us by something other than the scriptures. Was actually painted for us by the world and by our friends, by our own wisdom and ideas. And when we got married, the idea of the gospel as a supreme guide for marriage and for sex never entered our heads.

And now, Years later, the fruit of those ideas are being born. And it's bad fruit. And it's fruit that needs to be discarded in exchange for the fruit of righteousness. Or maybe, maybe we thought we had a biblical vision for marriage, but it just didn't turn out that way. It actually turns out that we didn't have any idea that the marriage relationship was supposed to be a picture of Christ's love for the church.

And a wife's submission to her husband was a picture of the church's submission to Christ. We just thought that in order to have a godly marriage, both of you had to be Christians, and you had to be equally yoked, and you had to have feelings for one another. We never thought about marriage for the glory of God. And then I think there are those of us who have just lost our way in every, in the confusion of everyday life. But God is not confused.

And he is very clear. And he has given us very clear words about marriage and sex. And I'm sure that a lot of you have questions and disappointments that have driven how you're feeling and that have caused you to make decisions that you've made. And so while I won't be able to answer all of your questions, I do want us to build a framework on top of the only foundation that's secure. And that's where I want us to begin our discussion this morning.

I want us to begin with Jesus on a mountain with his disciples when he gave the Sermon on the Mount. There, Jesus was confronting the established wisdom of his day. It was the stuff that everybody believed. It's the stuff they'd heard from their rabbi and their counselors and their friends and their pastors and their parents. And within that sermon, Jesus begins a teaching section by saying a particular phrase six times.

He says, you have heard that it was said. And then he uses another phrase in response six times, but I say to you. And you know, and you guys know what that is. He says, you have heard that it was said, you shall not commit murder. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of the judgment.

And then he goes on to say, you have heard that it was said, you shall not commit adultery. But I say to you, whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." And he goes on in that pattern for six times, but I say to you, he says, you have heard that it was said, but I say to you. Now I think we have the same problem today. We have heard that it was said. And we have heard a lot of things that are unbiblical.

We've heard that although a husband is commanded to love his wife, a wife is not commanded to love her husband, just to respect him. It's been said, I will do this for him, and he will do this for me. We've heard that it was said that a husband doesn't get your respect or your body until he earns it. And somewhere out there is this idea that sex, once a month, once every couple of months, is just fine. And the list goes on, and it's been shaped, and it has shaped our marriages and our sex lives.

And the biggest glaring thing about this list is that it's not biblical. And I'm afraid that most of what keeps us from loving our husbands and from making love to our husbands isn't biblical. Simply the wisdom from our own ideas and our own hearts. And what we need are biblical ideas and biblical thoughts and ways and plans for our hearts and our marriages and our sex lives. Because Our ideas are lousy.

What we need are God's ideas and his plans and his ways, his purposes, his goals for our marriages and our sex lives. And Getting that purpose and goal straight in our minds and our hearts is where we've got to start. And I think, you know, that's what we've been hearing all weekend, right? I mean, it's about the glory of God. It's about Christ and his church.

It's about loving from the heart. It's about the privilege of loving a husband like the bride of Christ loves him. C.J. Mahaney wrote a book called Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. And I want to give you a quote out of it.

As Christians, we have the incredible privilege of knowing the ultimate purpose for marriage. We must grasp the conviction that marriage is ultimately meant to bring glory to God by echoing the relationship between Christ and the Church. We see that there is a purpose in marriage that goes beyond personal fulfillment. Something of the selfless love and care, sacrifice that Jesus shows toward the church is supposed to be evident in the husband as he relates to his wife. Something of the respect, submission, and devotion that the church shows toward Jesus is supposed to be evident in the wife as she relates to her husband.

This is the purpose of your marriage." This is where we get it straight in our minds and in our hearts. God has chosen to show His glory through these two things. The church submitting to Christ in everything, and a wife submitting to her husband in everything. I think we would all agree that the church submitting to Christ, absolutely, It's absolutely the right thing to do. Whatever Christ says goes.

It's the same in marriage. Whatever the husband says goes. Unless, you know, of course it's sin. But the idea is that. Like the church is with Christ, You are with your husband.

You know, when you as a wife love and cherish and care more for your husband than you do for your own priorities and ideas, then you are behaving like the bride of Christ, to the glory of God. And I just want to say, if, I think probably a lot of you didn't hear Dan Horne or Joel Beakey on the theology of sexual intimacy, Really, you should get those tapes. Ephesians 5, 22, 24, that's what Scott went over Thursday night. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is the savior of the body.

For the, therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands and everything." Now I know you guys have heard that verse a thousand times. And maybe you have some negative feelings for that verse. But I'd like to help you think differently about it. It's a glorious thing for Christ to be the head of the church. It's a joyful thing because his word is faithful.

It's a secure thing because Christ is head of the church, there's wisdom. And because he is the head, we lovingly submit to his headship in the church. Even when the Lord chastises us, we submit to it because he is good. Well, in the same way, Paul says that husbands are the head of their wives, and wives are to be submitted to their husbands. So it's a glorious thing for you to learn to be submitted to your head.

You've gotta learn to see it that way, because God meant it as a blessing to you and not as a curse. He meant it to be a picture of the gospel. And this conference is entitled Gospel-Centered Marriages for a Glorious Church. You must understand the gospel and how it applies to your marriage. I don't know how many of you listened to Paul last night, to Paul Washel last night.

It's about the gospel. Because it's about our hearts that we need to be concerned. It's about our actions that we need to be concerned. It's about how we think. It's about how we speak and we love.

It begins with our relationship with the Lord. It's our walk and our commitment and our love for the Lord. It's everything else within our lives. Our marriages and our sexual lives with our husbands begins with the gospel. And when I say it begins with the gospel.

This is what I mean. Do you remember what your life was like before the Lord saved you? Do you remember the darkness and the confusion and the weight of the guilt? Do you remember? Do you remember when He freed you from that?

Do you remember how kind it was of the Lord to lead you to repentance? Do you remember your baptism? Do you remember when you proclaimed before the world that you loved him, that you would follow him forever? That you would live for him? Do you remember that?

Do you remember that except for the gospel, You would be living still in darkness. You'd be self-destructing in your sin. You'd be living by your own wisdom. Do you remember? Do you remember when the gospel came to you?

The gospel is that Jesus Christ came to seek and to save and to take the sin of yours. He came to call you to repent, and to walk as he walked, and to love as he loved, and to forgive as he forgave. I can tell you this, I all too often forget the gospel. And when I forget the gospel, I am an ugly bride. I forget that I was purchased out of bondage.

I forget that he has been forgiven much, loves much. I forget that I am the bride of Christ, a picture of joy that loves this role that God gave me. When I forget that, my countenance is not pretty. It does not say, welcome home, much less I love you. But I don't want to be an ugly bride.

I want to be a beautiful bride, one that has adorned herself with all those things that God calls very precious. And it's about my obedience, my obedience to the good shepherd. And I have discovered that Jesus is the good shepherd who desires to shepherd his bride. And the way he does that is with his word. In every era, God shepherds his people with his word and the things he gives them to do in his scriptures.

So I want us to look at the word of God to see how he would shepherd us, how he would recalibrate us, how he would change some of our ideas, the ideas that have led us astray. And I want to take us back to Jesus as he was walking through city after city. He was teaching and he was healing. And I want us to look at what he was saying. In Matthew we find Jesus just after he came out of the wilderness.

He went all about Galilee and he was teaching in their synagogues. And He was preaching the gospel of the kingdom. He was teaching what his kingdom would be like. And he was telling his disciples what his kingdom would be like. The gospel of the kingdom is an entirely different set of ideas that has been served up to us by the world and by our own ideas.

Jesus is giving us an entirely different way to live and he calls us to that way. You gotta remember he says, but I say to you. Then he says radical things like you know the way to save your life is to lose it things like that. You pick up your cross and follow me deny yourself and follow me. In 1st Corinthians 13 Jesus gives us a picture of what love is like.

You guys know that passage. Love suffers long and is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself. Love is not puffed up.

Does not behave rudely. Does not seek its own. Is not provoked. Love thinks no evil. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. These sayings of Jesus are meant to shepherd our behavior in everything. They're meant to shape our thoughts and our conversation, our marriages, and our sex lives. He also says, ask and it will be given to you.

Seek and you will find. Knock and it will be open to you. Because everyone who seeks, everyone who asks receives. And he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it will be open to you. And why?

Because he delights to give good things to those who ask him. You must ask the shepherd of the sheep to lead you. You have to follow him. You can't lean on your own understanding. And you have to learn to delight in the things that God has said are good.

So How does a wife learn to love the sexual differences between she and her husband? Well, by scripture alone, she's got to learn to love the words of Jesus to her. She's got to become a disciple of Jesus, of the good shepherd. It's the only way I know to help you truly love your role. How else do you love submission?

How else do you love those verses that have a tendency to raise the hair on the back of your neck? And we'll talk about those verses, but you all know what they say. You just have to do them. What I'm saying is this. I think the only way to have lasting change in your marriages and in your sex lives is to learn what Jesus has to say to his disciples and to you about how you live out the gospel of the kingdom every day.

In fact, it's your only hope. If you don't fill your mind and your heart, your home with the words of scripture, and if you don't find your ideas for how to relate and speak and love from the scriptures, then there is no hope for you. You will only leave this mountain temporarily hyped up to love your husbands more, to make more love to him, and to be a better picture of the gospel to your kids. And it won't last because you haven't asked, you haven't knocked, you haven't sought. When you ask, you don't seek, you don't knock, you are subject to every thought and wisdom and idea that comes from man and woman in the magazine.

You'll have itchy ear syndrome. You won't be able to endure sound teaching. You won't be able to endure sound doctrine. But according to your own desires, you will heap up for yourselves teachers. They will turn your ears from the truth, and you will be turned aside to fables, to lies.

That's out of 2 Timothy. In the two ears leads to sin. When you listen and sin, you will follow the wrong shepherd. And then make no mistake about this, but there are many shepherds out there. And they are looking for you.

And they would beckon you to follow that broad road, the one that Jesus says leads to destruction. Are those shepherds leading you? Do you even recognize them? Do you know what their fruits are? Do you know what their fruits are in your marriage and sex lives?

Well, are you selfish? Paul Tripp says that the DNA of sin is selfishness. He says that selfishness precludes relationships and guarantees war. Is there fruit of selfishness in your sex lives? First Corinthians 7, 2 through 5.

Let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also, the wife affection to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except with consent for a time, that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Are you loving your husbands with sex? Are you selfish with sex? Are you depriving him without consent? Are you concerned with his protection from immorality? Sex is a protection for your husband, as well as for yourself.

I know you realize this, but we live in a highly sexualized culture. Your husband is assaulted every day by millions of pornographic images. You are called by God to be a protection for Him. So out of love and concern for your husband, Make love to him. On the other hand, are you lovingly giving your husband the rights over your body?

Because that's what 1 Corinthians says. Let the wife give her husband the affection to him. You know, it's the heart that determines how we think about sex. You know, the heart where your treasure is. And self-centeredness in sexual matters is the problem because we are selfish to the core.

Amen. Mm, bummer, huh? Again, your only hope is what the Apostle Paul in Romans 12 2 says about being transformed by the renewing of your mind. That you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God is through the Scriptures by asking, by seeking, and by knocking on your knees. And from the midst of selfishness comes another sin called busyness and fatigue.

This also would rob you of your sex lives. Now I know this is a particular sin for Mothers of small children that have nursing babies. They're up all night. They're busy all day. And then everyone goes to sleep, finally, except.

The baby. No, just kidding. And so, I mean, how do you deal with that, you know? Everyone wants a piece of me. You know?

Okay. All right. So, as hard as this is going to sound, and I've had to say this myself, if you are too busy to have sex with your husband, then you are in sin, and you are on the road to destruction. With very few exceptions, Anything that would cause you to withhold yourself from your husbands is sin. And all too often, we want to call busyness and fatigue by the names of diligence and faithfulness.

After all, I'm taking care of my home. You know, doing my laundry, cleaning them bathrooms. I'm taking those kids to, you know, piano lessons. I'm cooking for that church potluck. And I'm tired.

Go to sleep. Okay. No. Those are just sins that are keeping us from making love to our husbands. I've had to constantly remind myself of the first Thessalonians passage about aspiring to lead a quiet life.

And I've had to learn to say no to my gifts and talents. Gifts and talents. From season to season. I have friends that have anywhere from, you know, five to thirteen children. And they always have at least one nursing baby.

And they have very busy households, and they're exhausted. But they've told me that as tired as they are, nothing can be allowed to come between them and their husband's sex lives. They've had to be creative, they've had to work very hard to please their husbands, and they've had to say no to many things that would further exhaust them. And I mean saying no to things like, you know, shopping for shoes and email. But they are laying up for themselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal.

So you gotta ask yourselves, where's your treasure? Are you so busy and tired that you don't even know where your treasure is anymore? Or Are you too tired to even care? Busyness and fatigue are just acceptable names for sin. Or selfishness or self-centeredness.

And they lead us to deprive our husbands of sex. And they are sins. Another facet of sin, the sin of selfishness, is laziness and passivity and unresponsiveness. Now, you know, before you sit down and think, lazy? Are you kidding?

I work hard all day. Okay, so I don't mean that kind of lazy. I don't mean the kind of lazy that, you know, makes you do what you want to do, you know. I'm talking about a lack of desire to work at pleasing your husbands. I'm talking about being lazy with your appearance because you think it doesn't matter.

I'm talking about being passive and unresponsive towards your husband because you don't care enough to work at it. I mean this is a love for yourself that excuses your, oh, I don't care if I haven't made love to him in eight weeks attitude. I'm talking about a laziness that is rooted in a love for yourself. So here's a question. You all look so nice today.

Do you look this nice during the week? Or just, you know, if your friend was coming for tea? Do you have time to look nice for your husband when he gets home? Do you even know he likes feet to wear? I mean, I don't mean like dressing like you're going to a wedding or anything, but do you take time on your appearance for your husband?

I mean, Honestly, how long does it take you to look nice? 15 minutes? 20? 30? Help!

Okay, I already did it. Okay, so 45. I mean, this is about loving your husbands, girls. It's about caring for your husbands. Many of us have forgotten and become passive and uncaring and unresponsive.

Have you forgotten that you used to respond to his every look? Have you forgotten you used to be passionate? So what happened? Have you gotten lazy about lovemaking dear husband? Are you uninitiating?

There's also a particular sin that will kind of suck the life out of your relationship. And I mean suck the life out of it, like make you blah. And it is the sin of soap operas, romance novels, chick flicks, They will leave you feeling blah. Wives, it will create a dissatisfaction in you and a laziness. Even Christian romance novels.

Be very, very careful with them. In fact, scratch that. Don't do it. Wives begin comparing their husbands to fictional characters that are paid to be sensitive, and caring, and pick up their socks on the screen, and romantic. Often this happens to women whose husbands travel.

But it is a sin, and it is a lazy way to use your mind. Use your mind and cultivate a love for your husband. Think about him and about ways you can please him. When you are lazy and passive about loving your husband, it is sloth. That ugly word.

It's a picture out of Proverbs of a sluggard. The sluggard always has an excuse for why she can't work with her husband, why she can't help him, why she can't change, why she is too tired. In other words, if you always have an excuse for why you can't work at pleasing your husband, you are a sluggard. And laziness in your attitude toward him is not loving. You should read Song of Solomon.

This is a woman who is not lazy in her attitude toward her husband. She's passionate for him. She's waiting at the gate for him. She's looking for him to get home. She loves his kisses.

She hasn't forgotten that it is a privilege to love a husband. Have you forgotten? Remember what a privilege your love is for him. Remember the way that the church loves Christ. Another sin that some of us embrace, without even thinking about it, is the sin of thinking that we are better and holier than our husbands, probably smarter too.

This would be called the sin of self-righteousness. In case you didn't know, I'll put a name on it. And a self-righteous wife is never wrong. She knows all the questions. She has all the answers.

She's read all the books. She blames all her actions on her husband. And this wife very, very seldom welcomes the idea that she could be a better wife. Jesus confronted these wives in his day. He called them Pharisees.

They were more impressed with themselves than Jesus was. The sin of self-righteousness is that it usurps a husband's authority and places a wife over him. And it doesn't allow you to fully give yourself to your husband. You know if the bride of Christ were to usurp her role, it would be like the church setting itself up over Christ. Her own ideas, her own thoughts, her own doctrines.

The bride would no longer be submitted to the church, to Christ. She would no longer, it would no longer make her glorious or beautiful. She would no longer be washed by the water, the word. So, if righteousness also messes up the creation order, it comes out of Genesis 2. It says, this is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, and she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.

This is the creation order. God created man, then because man needed a helper, God created woman. To walk with him and to be a helper to him. And self-righteousness enters the picture. Order gets reversed.

And the woman usurps that authority. There's another insidious byproduct of self-righteousness that shows up in your marriage. I just want to tell you a little story. This wife crawls into bed Monday night, and her husband reaches for her. I'm so tired, hon.

Can we do this tomorrow night? Sure, hon. You know, just go to sleep. Tuesday morning is early, and it goes late. And by the time they both get into bed, I mean, they just crawl into bed and they crash.

Wednesday morning, Wednesday is a big day. It's prayer night. And all the way home, this wife is talking. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I think I was too weak to do prayer. I mean, I'm so tired. It's been a long day. I know how I stay awake. I'm so tired, I'm so tired.

I mean, kids aren't as tired, aren't you? Tired kids, kids, I'm tired. I am so tired, I am so tired. I was falling asleep, I'm so asleep. And he did an elder, he can, what's his name, pray long.

All the way home, all the way to bed, she talks like this. She talks like this until her husband starts snoring. Okay? Thursday morning, shopping day, It's a big day. I mean, it's a big day.

She's got a long list. She's out all day. She eats breakfast early. She goes to that lunch. By the time she gets home, has dinner, puts the kids to bed, she honestly legitimately has a splitting headache.

And her husband rubs her shoulders, and she goes to sleep. Friday night, she goes to bed and her husband reaches for her and she just, she sighs. He says, what? And he says, and she says, well, nothing, nothing. He goes, well, that wasn't a nothing, nothing.

And she says, well, no, I'm just tired. I mean, it's a long day. I mean, it's been a long week. I'm tired. I'm busy.

I do a lot. I mean, I go shopping a lot. I'm just going to go shopping. Yes, I was a long day. I'm tired.

I'm busy. Come on. And he says, you know, hon, you've turned away from me all week, And I waited for you. But this is wrong. You are withholding yourself from me.

And it's wrong. And she says, Withheld myself. Withheld myself. Everything I do is for you. I wash your clothes, I cook your meals, I watch your kids, I teach your kids.

Kids, I keep them from killing each other. Withheld myself? I mean, what if I were paraplegic? But this husband was right. It was very collegiate.

But this husband was right. And in the midst of this wife's self-righteousness, she'd also become unteachable by the very one that God had given as a teacher. Her self-righteousness had made her despise the wounds of a friend. If the church becomes unteachable, she becomes lawless instead of lawful. Eventually she becomes apostate and incurs the judgment of God.

Do not become self-righteous and unteachable and lawless. Jesus says in Matthew 7 that many will say to him on that day, Lord, Lord, but will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Only those who do the well of his father. But on that day he will declare to them, depart from me, I never knew you, you who practice lawlessness. If you have a tendency towards self-righteousness, repent and study the Word of God.

Learn how David said, oh, how I love my law. If you love the law of God, you just might not get caught up in anger. I mean, I'm sure you guys all know the Ephesians passage about not letting the sun go down on your anger. But do you know the rest of that sentence? It says, and nor give place to the devil.

Unresolved anger quickly turns to bitterness and unforgiveness if you do not resolve your conflicts before the Lord. If you don't, you will have a devil in your marriage. And if you persist in anger and bitterness and unforgiveness toward your husband, you are in danger of God's unforgiveness of you. I mean, you know that if you don't forgive men, they're trespasses. Neither will your father forgive you your trespasses.

Now, I don't know what your husbands have done to make you angry with him or bitter at him. But I know this. When you stand before God, He's not going to ask you what your husband did to you to make you angry and bitter. He's going to ask you what you did to your husband. Ephesians 4 says, put away all bitterness and wrath, evil speaking and clamor with all malice.

And I know you might be thinking that you have no idea what my husband has done. And you're right, I don't. I just know that you deserve hell just as much as he does. And Jesus Christ died to purchase your soul from the pit of torment, where the fire is not quenched and the worm does not die. And now he says to you, I love you.

Now put away all evil speaking, bitterness and wrath. They're lousy, horrible shepherds. God desires to bring blessing to your home, and he's telling you to put it away. You have to remember, Proverbs 31, this woman that had kindness on her tongue, speak general words. You know, this is when you begin to realize that you need the sovereignty of God because the gospel has very real implications on your life.

It actually has demands and not just commands. But these demands and these commands, They're for your good. You know, you guys all know Romans 8.28, that God works all things together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. Do you believe that? Do you live like that?

Do you behave like that? When you do, it affects your marriage and your sex lives. Or maybe you suffer from the sin of unbelief. That's kind of a tricky one, because you maybe inadvertently believe lies. Maybe you believe that you have too much baggage and that you will never know sweet sex.

Or maybe you think that God can't answer your prayers. Or maybe you think that God's promises and His grace is not for you. Well, God's in the business of restoration. And these are devastating lies, not just for your marriage and your sex life, but for your entire life. Because you are calling into question the very nature of God.

You are taking the words of scripture and discarding them. And you've put your own thoughts at the helm, and you've become your own shepherd. When you believe these lies, you begin saying them to your husband, not just to yourself. You're saying that God cannot be trusted, that God made a mistake when he gave you that dad, that mom, that disease, or that experience. You can't let go because you don't believe God's Word.

And when you don't let go, You take him wherever you go, particularly into your marriage. Well, your husband pays for your refusal to say, here I am, Lord. Use me. My past, my present, my future. God makes no mistakes.

He was never asleep at the wheel. He knew exactly who you were when you were born. And he's given you his word to heal and to restore and to bless. Don't refuse it. Don't continue believing lies.

Do not continue in sin. Think of what would happen if this were the church. The bride of Christ, believing lies. In a very short time she would become unrecognizable as the bride of Christ. And you gotta remember where lies came from in the first place, you know, snake in the garden.

The devil told Eve that God had lied to her. She really could eat that fruit and not die. He hasn't stopped lying ever since. He's a very destructive shepherd. You gotta learn to recognize these lies.

And the only way I know to do that is to listen to the voice of the true shepherd. And that, by renewing your mind. There's a passage in 1 Peter about trusting God, not your own feelings. 1 Peter 3, one through six says, wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if Some of them don't obey the word. They, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by the fear, by fear of God.

Do not let your adornment be merely outward, arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. Rather, let it be the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid of any terror. This is all about women who trust in the sovereignty of God and not in their feelings. A trust in God drives out unbelief, anger, bitterness, gives them character qualities that God calls very precious.

You know, Sarah called her husband Lord because she trusted in God. Even when her husband didn't, Sarah had her share of trials. You know what they are? You're going to go read Genesis, all right? But she adorned herself with incorruptible beauty.

She referenced her husband, calling him the Lord. Peter says this is how we should present ourselves to our husbands, adorned in the same way, and that we are called Sarah's daughters if we do good and if we don't fear and if we trust in the Lord. If you're living in unbelief or laziness or bitterness, you're living as one who is lawless and a sheep without a shepherd. In fact, you know, it's actually worse than that. You're following a bad shepherd.

Straight down the wide, broad road to destruction. If you've followed any of those shepherds for long enough, you know, you know what that experience is. Sin in any form is death. It's death to your marriage, death to your sex life. You know, John Owen, he's a Puritan, and he wrote a book.

What is the book, I don't know what the book's name is. Mortification of sin, thank you. And he says in it, you must be killing sin or it will be killing you. You know, but sin is not the only problem that surfaces in our marriage to create havoc in our sex lives. There are other challenges in the tragedies.

There's a sad reality of a believing wife living with an unbelieving or wayward husband. And her only hope is to follow the good shepherd. She's got to go down that narrow and difficult road. But it leads to life. But it is difficult nonetheless.

She's got to look at that first Peter passage with all of those commands for her good and for her trust and it's for her husband's good, but sex is hard for her. But I gotta remind you that God is asking for you to do what is right. He's asking for you to follow the Good Shepherd. He's asking for you to believe his words to you. He's never been wrong.

There are a variety of sin problems and husbands that God is not calling for you to deal with. There are those extreme illegal things for which you call the police. And then there are those immoral things for which you call your pastor and your elders. And you do that because that's what the scripture says. But other than that, you as a wife are called by the scripture to live as he's called you to live.

You are not called to be the Holy Spirit for him, and you are not called to withhold yourself from him sexually. Proverbs 18 says, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. You are to bring blessing and favor from the Lord to your unbelieving and wayward husband. You've got to learn to love that role. You know, there are other problems that aren't necessarily sin that can affect our sex lives, but they can become sin if we aren't careful.

One heartbreaking problem is that when a husband's desire for his wife is low. Now I'm not talking about a husband caught up in pornography. I'm talking about physiology. He simply has a low sex drive. Now I know probably what some of you are thinking, but believe me, you don't miss something until you don't have it.

And when your husband's desire, when you feel rejected, when your husband doesn't have desire for you, you feel rejected and you feel lonely. And you feel like you're missing something. But in all your feelings, don't fall into sin. You'll love your husband as the church loves Christ. Do all those things you see in scripture.

It would be appropriate to meet with your pastor and his wife, or an elder and his wife, but you talk to your husband kindly. Don't clam up on him. I think the way too often we don't want to talk to our husbands, and it becomes, you know, this forbidden subject. But you need to talk about it. And speaking of talking about sex with our husbands, husbands aren't mind readers, you know.

Did you know that? You've got to help him know what is helpful for you. And what is not. Kindly. Help him to understand that it's not just about what happens after the lights go out, but it's kind of like, it's what happens all day.

You know, like you think it's really sexy for him to take out the trash kind of thing, you know? Which brings responsibility for how you order your days, also. But talk to your husbands about your sex lives. You know, there are also many diseases and neurological disorders that make intercourse difficult. I have a friend who was married for 10 years before she realized that the pain she had in intercourse was a physical thing.

She went to a gynecologist and wow, now she knows what everyone's talking about. But it was pain in her marriage because of this. No one was talking about it. Talk to your husbands about things like that. There are other medical things, but still the command not to withhold yourself from your husband remains the same.

You've gotta talk to your husband about things. Some questions I would have for you about this is, do you desire to be holy his, like the church is Christ's bride? Are you praying for yourself in this area? Is your desire for him? Are you seeking to love him with your body?

Are you looking for ways to satisfy him? Are you looking for help? Together? I know I've already said this a lot of times, But talk to your husbands. And get solutions.

Find solutions together. Minus one minute. Tough. Now, a lighter note here. I want to discuss just for a few minutes here the little known fact that women have a lesser sex drive than men.

Most women. Shocking. And it can lead to sin if we're not very careful. Now, as much as I hate to think about this, I really do think that God intended this for our sanctification. If God had made us exactly like our husbands, then there would never be a need for our love to grow, for selfishness to be dealt with, or for a load of other sins to come to the surface, because men and women are different.

God made men to need sex more often than women. God did that, not your husband. So do not, hardly, don't resent him for that. Because it will defile your love nest. Learn to love making love to him.

Delighting him. And the better sex is for you, the better it will be for him. Just ask him, just ask him, Trust me on that one. But take delight in delighting him with your body. Well, I know a lot of You have babies.

And I know your midwives may have told you that. Eight weeks. No sex, eight weeks. Well, you know what, your husband just can't wait eight weeks. Well, okay, so.

You know, a course isn't the only way. All right. Anyone on that? You see me down front afterwards. All right.

So, like I said. Then there's my personal favorite problem. Menopause. I don't have time for menopause. Sex and menopause.

It's a toughie. It's coming. You guys just don't know this, but it's coming. I've looked for information, even on the internet. That's scary.

All right. My body wants to do strange things at the most inopportune moments. Hormones have changed. It's scary. It's scary.

But just remember that as the church is to Christ, you are to be to your husband. As Christ is sanctifying his bride, so you are to be a sanctified bride to your husband. The church, and the church needs at times to repent, and you will need to repent to your husband. Ask his forgiveness if you need to. If, scratch that part.

But repentance brings with it new life. And times of refreshing will come. You know, in working through menopause or sexual dysfunctions or laziness and selfishness, Your only hope is Jesus Christ, the head of the church, the husband of the bride. You know, I think that we would all agree that there are a dearth of Titus II women, older Titus II women in the church. There are older women in the church, but very few of them prepared to be Titus II women.

So I'll ask you a question. I want to see a raise of hands. How many of you would have loved to have had an older woman in your life these past years? Well, in 10 or 20, 30 years, you are going to be those women. And do you know what these women would have taught you?

Love your husbands. To love your husbands. Will you be ready to be a Titus 2 woman? For your daughter and for her friends? For the bride of Christ?

You know, Lord willing, you are going to be those older women someday and the choice is yours. What kind of older women are you going to be? At the end of the day, you only have two choices. There is blessing and there is cursing. There's good fruit and there's bad fruit.

There are the wise and there are the foolish. There's the wide gate and there's the narrow gate. There's the good shepherd and there's the bad shepherd. And you can follow these evil shepherds down that wide road to destruction. Man, that is a painful, dark, horrible path.

It's littered with debris. You can go there. But I would exhort you to follow the good shepherd. Because God will not be mocked. What you sow you will reap in the marriages of your children.

Jesus said there are few who find the narrow gate. There are few who won't be alone. He's the good shepherd who loves his sheep. He says to me, he says to them, come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me.

For I am lowly in heart, and I will give you rest for yourselves. Let's pray. Father, help us to remember the gospel. Help us to be brides after your own heart. That we would be brides just like the bride of Christ.

Like the church is to you. That we would be holy, sanctified, and cleansed. Washed with the water of the word, that we will be without spot and wrinkle, that we do desire to be a good picture. Help us to build on a good foundation that we would hear, well done, good and faithful servant. Amen.

Of the Church and the Family to the Word of God and for more information about the National Center for Family integrated churches where you