The biblical model for youth and child discipleship is in-home, family discipleship. Children are to be trained and discipled primarily in the home by their parents, particularly by their fathers. In order to do family discipleship effectively we must have our homes in order. Getting the home in order is the responsibility of both the individual family and the church, as a whole, supporting the families.

Vody is here with his wife, Bridget, and she is right there. Right there. Hello, Bridget. I'm so happy to meet you. I heard so much about you when your husband was in our house a few months ago.

They have three children. And okay, here's the deal on Vody. I love his clarity, I love his forthrightness, I love the way he's a blessing to his brothers and is a prophetic voice in our culture. Very few people can speak with the clarity of Vody Bockham, and it's a gift that only, you know, he didn't do nothing to get this either. He just was given it by God.

It's just great. So I'm thankful for the giftedness of Vody Bockham. Plus, Vody Bockham is a good cook. So would you welcome with me, Bode Baca. Oh, that last one was an inside joke.

Anybody who knows me knows that I have several passions and the kitchen is not one of the least of them but one of the greatest. I love the kitchen. I love to cook. And I'm not talking just messing around. I'm talking serious, get in there, get after it.

Just do the deal, you know? And when I say this a lot of times, people don't, I mean, they don't really believe me or they think that I'm, you know, one of these guys who likes to just go out on the grill and throw massive amounts of charred flesh out there or whatever. And so they just kind of whatever. And I tell them about some of the kind of classic, you know, cuisines that I cook and some of this kind of stuff. And still people begin to doubt.

And so when I was over at the Brown's house, we were having these conversations and his lovely wife said, well, why don't you just give me some recipes? And you know, I don't wanna say that the sister was trying to trap me, but we started talking and I started writing some stuff down and then I started getting emails from my brother Scott saying that I was blessing him without even being there. So amen, hallelujah, praise the Lord. But that is a passion of mine. The other passions of mine, of course, are number one, my family.

My life rises and falls with my family. The greatest privilege that I have in this world is to be Bridget's husband, as I have been for the last 16 years, and to be Jasmine and Trey and Elijah's father. That is my most cherished role that I play in this life as a follower of Christ. The other is this area where I get to be a teacher and a professor and a minister and writer and try to help the church engage the culture from a biblical perspective in the area of cultural apologetics. When I talk about engaging the culture, I mean when we read in the scripture about this war that we fight, this battle that we fight is not against flesh and blood, but there is a battle that we're fighting.

Though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. And so we have to be prepared to engage the culture. We have to be prepared to look out at our culture and analyze what's going on and then be able to respond from a biblical perspective. Now, there's a place where these last two things come together. This idea of cultural apologetics and the idea of the family.

And unfortunately, the place that that comes together is in the modern American church. And what I have found is that lately, what I have been doing as much as doing cultural apologetics as far as training believers to deal with things that are going on in our culture, that is opposed to Christ, what I have been engaged in and called upon to participate in is cultural apologetics within the American Christian community, because there are many things in which we are engaged and to which we have become committed that are actually antithetical to biblical Christianity. And as difficult as it can be to plant your feet and square your shoulders and go toe to toe and word for word in cultural apologetics with individuals who are spewing secular humanism. I assure you, it is far more difficult to plant your feet and square your shoulders and go toe to toe with individuals who believe with every fiber of their being that what they are doing is for the glory and honor of God and how dare you question them. And so what I want to deal with today is one area in particular where this sort of engagement has taken place and answer some questions, raise some questions, and try to give clarity to what it is that we're talking about when we talk about this family integrated church and how the family integrated church movement is different from the way we do church.

I am here as an apologist for the family integrated church movement. And so, you know, a lot of people would stand up and they would say, you know, if I am, you know, Adversarial or offensive, I'm sorry. I stand up here and tell you that if I'm not adversarial and offensive, you're not listening to me real well. Open your Bibles with me to the book of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians chapter 5.

And I want us to look at a couple of things here. First, while you're turning to Ephesians chapter 5, Let me sort of give you the lay of the land. Here's the problem that we have. The problem that we have is that it has become the norm in modern American church culture to segregate the church by age. It has become the norm in the modern American culture to sort of bifurcate the family.

You know, there's the parents and what they experience in church over here with their pastor, and then there are the children of the parents and what they experience over here with their pastor. And then we further bifurcate the family where we separate the father and what he experiences and the wife and what she experiences and the older children, what they experience and the younger children and what they experience so that all of us are being developed, if you will, and built up, if you will, in different corridors and segments of the church by different individuals with different philosophies, different ecclesiologies and different theologies. Now, as though that were not problematic enough, what it has also done is undermined the biblical and fundamental function and role of the family in the discipleship of the next generation. And so, here's where the rubber meets the road. You talk about the family integrated church, and we all know that 600 pound elephant in the middle of the room, and nobody really wants to talk about, When we talk about the family integrated church, that big old 600 pound elephant that everybody tries to walk around, not deal with, and not grab onto, and not touch.

And if you do, just kind of pat it a little bit while you're walking by, but don't look at it, you know. And that big elephant is this, youth ministry, children's ministry. That's the big elephant in the middle of the room. All right? I'm here to tell you, don't be scared.

We're going to talk about it. And let me start by being as clear and controversial as I possibly can. I believe modern American youth and children's ministry is number one, grossly unbiblical, and number two, one of the greatest detriments to the Christian family that the church has ever seen. Was that clear and controversial enough? Okay now let me further explain I don't just say this because you know I'm just you know some wide-eyed homeschool dad who just you know wants to go out and hide in a bunker somewhere and just doesn't like that.

That's not my argument. Let me explain to you further. Among young people who grow up in evangelical churches who are part of our current methodology of evangelical ministry. Somewhere between 75 and 88% of them have nothing to do with spiritual things by the end of their freshman year in college. In other words, our approach over the last three decades, the youth professional approach over the last three decades has produced somewhere between a 75 and 88% failure rate.

Here's the other harsh reality. Because one of the number one arguments that you get is, well now wait a minute now, do we have to do this youth ministry model because this youth ministry model is about evangelizing young people. And we have to evangelize young people. And we have to bring people onto our staffs who are the youngest least educated least Qualified members of our staff and turn them loose so that they can evangelize and disciple young people Really You got two issues with that. Number one.

It's not your job to evangelize my children, it's mine. Number two, since 1970, the number of youth professionals in our churches has grown exponentially. In other words, it has multiplied several times over. Before the late 60s, early 70s, it was unheard of to have all these full-time trained, paid youth professionals in our churches. Since then, we have fully developed a cottage industry where you can make a real good living, staying a kid for a real long time, if you will be a youth professional.

Here's the problem. Since 1970, The number of youth professionals has grown exponentially, but our number of youth baptisms has actually declined steadily. The number one argument for it, evangelism, is the one thing that it has done a pathetic job at. So problem number one is that it undermines and usurps my role and responsibility as a father. Problem Number two, it doesn't do what it says it's designed to do.

Problem number three, the overwhelming majority of people involved in this type of ministry do not meet the biblical requirements to be pastors, elders or overseers of any type. Not at all, okay? Now we have set the stage. Now it's out there. Let's deal with it from a biblical perspective.

And as we deal with it from a biblical perspective, what I want to do is I want to sort of set up this picture of the design that we have from the Lord. And then in light of the information that we have, I want us to look at the design that we have from God so that we can understand why this modern methodology that we have is not working because it's fighting against that design. And secondly, demonstrate how the family-unigated model has to address this issue differently and bring correction in the places that we've gone astray. Everybody ready? You nice and buckled up?

All right. First, Look with me in Ephesians chapter five, beginning of verse 22. Now as we begin in verse 22, I want to tell you something. We're going to talk about getting our houses in order as the church. And as you will look at, if you read those articles, I believe it's article six in your little pamphlet there, article six, is that the church is a family of families.

God has given us three major institutions, the church, the family, and the government. The family is foundational to the other two. And so ultimately the church is a family of families. And so if we're going to get our houses in order, we have to do that as individual families, but also it is incumbent upon the church to see to it that she facilitates that aspect of our individual lives in getting our lives in order. By the way, before we look at our passage, I want to show you something that I had just completely ignored.

I don't know why I had ignored it, I don't know why I had missed it, but turn with me to the right and look at Titus, Titus chapter 1. I want you to see something here in Titus chapter one. It reads, beginning of verse five, For this reason I left you in Crete, that you might set in order what remains, and appoint elders in every city as I directed you. Namely, if any man is above reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion, for the overseer must be above reproach as God's steward, not self-willed, not quick tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-control, and then look here beginning at verse 9. Holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, that he may be able both to exhort and sound doctrine and refute those who contradict.

Now we look at that and we see that and we're familiar with that, we know that, okay? We get that, that the elder, that the overseer has to be an individual who has a firm grasp on the doctrine must be able to communicate the doctrine effectively and must be able to refute those who contradict the doctrine. Here's what I was missing. And I felt like an absolute idiot. I had more degrees than a thermometer, went to seminary so long that eventually they said, Look brother, we got nothing else for you to take, but you can teach some stuff, okay?

And I still miss this. Why is it so important that the elder know the doctrine, have a firm grasp on the doctrine, be able to communicate the doctrine effectively and be able to refute those who contradict the doctrine look at verse 10 For there are many rebellious men empty talkers and deceivers Especially those of the circumcision who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families. In other words, Paul says, I want you to put elders in place who will instruct families and who will defend families from erroneous doctrine. Isn't that amazing? And instead, what we have is churches who put people in place who oftentimes divide families and become the source of the erroneous doctrine because we got yahoos out there don't know come here from sickum and we put them in charge of our youth ministries And I'm not arguing this just because we do it with 17, 18 year old kids.

I believe, you know, if I'm not mistaken, by the time, you know, for example John Calvin was 16 years old, he had earned his first master's degree in theology. I don't think it's a matter of age. I think it's a matter of the fact that in our day and in our culture, we are not developing mature, godly, 17, 18 year olds who are ready for Pastoral ministry just by virtue of the way that we're raising our children So what we're doing is we're putting these guys who know absolutely nothing Over the lives of the most vulnerable among us When what we're called to do is protect families. Okay? So number one, we have to get our individual houses in order.

Number two, as a church, we have to get our house in order so that we will have the proper relationship between the institution of the church and those families that make up that institution of the church. There is a fulcrum point here And that fulcrum point here in Ephesians chapter five begins at verse 25. That fulcrum point is the man. It is the father. Now I know a lot of people don't like that.

They're upset by that because we were just mired in egalitarianism. By the way, there's a difference between equality and egalitarianism. Equality says that we have equal value under God. Egalitarianism says there's no distinction between our roles. And so when we talk about stuff like a headship, we wanna share headship, newsflash, anything with two heads is a monster.

Either kill it or put it behind glass so we can all stare at it, all right? That's part of the reason that we're in the trouble that we're in, alright? That's part of the difficulty that we're having. But before we can talk about what's happening here in verse 25 on through chapter 6 and verse 4 in this organization in the home, Before we can talk about that and get that squared away, we have to back up and we have to start at verse 22. And we look there in verse 22 and we have a problem if we're going to start there.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. Problem. And I'm not even talking about the fact that in our culture there are a lot of women who don't like this aspect of, you know, being called to submit to their husbands. I don't consider that a problem. You know why?

Because I don't write the mail, I just deliver it. Amen. You got a problem between you and God, all I can do is tell you what it says. The book says that right there. Here's the problem.

The problem is, and if you've got a real good study Bible, you'll see that that word be subject is italicized. Y'all see that? You see that there in italics? Okay, it ought to be in italics. Now, I know we have this room full of all these wonderful Bible study and folks, but just bear with me for a moment, humor me for a moment while I explain why that's italicized.

It's italicized because it's not there in the Greek. If it's not there in the Greek, why would they put it there in the English? It's a problem. Don't be afraid. It's okay.

Let me explain. It's italicized because you have a sentence there without a verb. Can't have sentence without a verb. So you gotta put a verb there. So what verb are you gonna put there?

Just any verb? You just grab some verb from somewhere. No you take the context and find out what this is a continuation of this is a continuation of verse 21 and In verse 21, it says be subject to one another in the fear of Christ wives to husbands. That's why they borrowed the verb and put it there. But you can't do that because now you've got another problem.

And that problem is the Bible wasn't written in chapters and verses. We only had chapters and verses for a few hundred years. So we can't just go around grabbing verses all willy-nilly, all right? We have to be careful about this. We have to put it in context of The smallest division of scripture that we have is the paragraph.

So now we've got to back up to the paragraph that this verse comes from in verse 21. That takes us all the way back to verse 15. We're just trying to get to verse 25. We gotta go all the way back. Bear with me.

Trust me on this one. It's just gonna be real good. All right, you okay? You all right? Deep breath, cleansing breath.

Okay, all right. So now we go back to verse 15 and we'll understand this. Again, remember, We're talking about the man and his role in the home as it relates to us getting our houses in order. Back up with the beginning of verse 15. Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise.

That's your first little not this, but that. There's three of them. There's three couplets here. Not as unwise men, but wise. Making the most of your time because the days are evil.

So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is, that's your second one. And verse 18, here's the last one. Do not get drunk with wine for this is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit. That's your third little couplet there, not this, but that. Don't be drunk with wine, but be filled with the spirit.

In other words, if you are looking at this sort of Dainysian temple there that the people of Ephesus would have been very familiar with, what you would have seen with regularity as individuals in an attempt to have connection with the divine, getting drunk with wine before they went in to that religious experience so that they would heighten their receptivity to the spiritual realm. He says don't get drunk with wine in order to get in touch with this spiritual realm but yield to the Spirit of God. That's how you get in touch with God. By being filled with the Spirit, literally, it is by yielding to the Spirit of God. Now here's, we asked, we got asked this question.

He's talking about a Spirit-filled life here. The question then comes, what is a spirit filled life? I'm so glad you asked. He answers the question in the next few verses. What does it look like to be a spirit filled believer?

Listen to what he says, beginning verse 19. Speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord. That's number one. So we are a worshipful people, a spirit filled people, a worshipful people. Amen.

Look at the second one. Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. So we're a worshipful people and we're a prayerful people. Makes sense, right? A person who is a spirit-filled person is a worshipful person and a prayerful person.

Number three is where we get shaky. Verse 21, and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. So we're a worshipful people, we're a prayerful people. And thirdly, we operate appropriately in the context of our relationships. Verse 21 is an umbrella.

Under that umbrella there are three different relationships. Number one, wives and husbands. We see that in verse 22 through the end of the chapter. Number two, parents and children. We see that in 6-1 through 6-4.

And number three, servants and masters, or in our context, employers and employees, which would be from verse five through verse nine. In other words, being a spirit-filled believer is something that is measured not just by our worshipful attitude or our prayerful attitude, but it is something that is defined. It is something that is determined. It is something that is distinguished by the way that we submit to proper authority. Did you catch that?

By the way we submit to proper authority. Now in that context, we have these first two relationships which are the family relationships and there's a fulcrum point right in the middle of those two family relationships. Number one is the husband-wife relationship, where the wife is called to submit to the husband. Number two is the parent-child relationship, where the children are called to submit to the parents and specifically to the father who brings them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So sitting here in the middle of these two relationships that define our spirit filled life is a father.

Is a father. Therefore, if we're to get our houses in order, we have to have a proper understanding of the role and responsibility of the Father. In verses 22 through 24, we see very simply, wives are called to submit themselves to their husbands as to the Lord. Amen, hallelujah, praise the Lord. That's it, that's what you get right there, that much.

You see how big that is in your Bible? That's what you get right there, ladies. That's it right there. Say thank you, Jesus, that I only get that right there. Okay?

Because we get this right here. After you get that right there, we get this right here, all right? And look at what it is that you call to submit to and what children are called to submit themselves to. Beginning at verse 25, husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church and all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his own wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ also does the church because we are members of his body. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I'm speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every individual among you also love his own wife, even as himself, and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband. And so there is that relationship that the husband has with the wife.

This is the first side of this house that is in order. Several things, he is to lead in love, he is to lead in the word, he is to lead in righteousness, he is to lead in selflessness, and he is to lead in intimacy, all right? That's what you see there in that passage of scripture. That's what it means to be the head of a household. Being the spiritual head of a household doesn't mean that you stop around telling people that you're in charge.

Newsflash, anybody who has to tell people that they're in charge isn't. You can't say, amen, you ought to say ouch. Can you imagine President Bush in the middle of a cabinet meeting stomping his feet? I'm the president. Can you imagine that?

Right then, right there, it's all over. He's not in charge. You stomping your feet telling people that you're in charge, you're not, all right? Being the spiritual head of a household doesn't mean being the loudest person in the household. Being the spiritual head of the household doesn't mean being an abusive individual who knows how to make other people cow down before you.

It's not what being the spiritual head of a household means. Being the spiritual head of the household means, first of all, you lead in love. You are the chief lover in your home. Amen. That is the responsibility of the man who was the spiritual head of his home.

He is the chief lover in the home. He is the one who models what love is in the house. He is the one who is the picture, the living, breathing, walking, talking example of the love that Christ has for his church. That's what the man's responsibility is in the house. Now, my children are of a little darker hue than most of your children here in this room.

However, I still make it my goal that at least once a week I make my kids blush with the way I love my wife. Amen. I just at least once a week I want them to just say, okay, y'all are just... That's my role. That's my role.

I am to model what it means to have a lay down your life kind of a love for another. I am to model for my son what it's supposed to look like when he overwhelms a young woman with his love. I am a model for my daughter of what she's supposed to look for in a man who will be worthy of her because of the way that he loves and sacrifices for her. That is my role. That is my job.

That is my responsibility. I am the lead lover in my home. Amen. If our houses are in order, this is what they'll look like. You know what's interesting about this?

We don't even get to see this in a lot of our churches because what do you do when you get a solid family in the modern American corporate church? If you get a solid family and he's got his head screwed on right, she's got her head screwed on right, you don't call upon them the model love for your people. You say, we gotta split the two of you up. We need you ma'am to go over and work with the children. We need you sir to go over and work with the teenagers and maybe perhaps every once in a while y'all get together on a Wednesday night you can sit together in church and maybe we can look at you actually being a couple.

That's what we do. You got a solid couple in church, you rip them apart to multiply their effectiveness because you got to feed the machine. God help us. When what we need is we need to walk up to couples and say okay. Look, this is awesome.

I'm watching you, ma'am I don't know if you see the way this man loves you, but I'm watching you. I'm watching the way this man loves you Can you do me a favor? Can y'all just like walk around just to get in front of as many people as you can so they can just look at you and I can say, hey, did you see that couple over there? The way that man was loving his wife? Can y'all do that for, that is the best thing you could do for our church, because our number one goal is not to split you up and use you to feed the machine.

Our number one goal is to reproduce throughout this place families whose love relationship looks like yours. So the greatest service that you can be to us is to model that at every turn and at every opportunity that you get. That's what we're missing in a modern American corporate model church. We don't get that, we don't do that. We're not about that.

Lead in love. Secondly, lead in the word. It says he watches over the water of the word. It is my responsibility to lead in the word in my home. It is my responsibility to lead in the discipleship of my family.

Now we say this, and I mean usually everybody's like, yeah, hey man, we get this, That's right, that's right, we get this, we understand this. You know what, we don't believe that for a minute. You know how I know? I had the opportunity, I lecture a lot in our colleges and seminaries and a lot of times when I go to our seminaries, they bring me into classes and have smaller discussions in the classroom with different individuals. And now especially, you know, I've been talking about this family integrated model.

There's a lot of folks who are like, man, we want you to come and talk to our youth ministry classes about this whole family integrated model thing, you know. I'm like, you know what I'm going to say, right? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just come on in and, you know, I'll say, okay, as long as you know. I mean, that's fine as long as you know. And so I'll go in and I'll talk.

And one of the things that I'll tell these folks is that we don't have Sunday school in our church. You know, somebody give him the Heimlich. I mean, the people, I mean, they're swallowing their tongues when they hear, you don't, What? You know, how can you, what? Like, no, we don't have Sunday school at our church.

They go, what do you do? I said, well, we require our families to do catechism with their children. And then they kind of go, what you got a stupid idea like that? I mean that's the look that they have on their face. Why would you, you know, what?

Why would you trust families with something that important? That's what they want to know. That's how much they've been beaten into the machine. They want to know. How could you trust families to the discipleship of their own children?

Then I ask a question that makes them look at me like I'm from the moon. Can you give me one biblical argument for the current model of Sunday school? Because I can give you a lot for the model of family discipleship and family catechism. All over the Bible, can you give me one defensible biblical argument for the current model of Sunday school? Now, before you do it, I'm just going to assume you're a seminarian here, so you realize that Sunday school is a very recent invention.

That we've only had it for a number of decades now. We're pushing up on a hundred years now. And before you make your argument, I'm going to assume that as a seminarian you realize that we started it because we didn't have child labor laws and there were children who were working in factories all day and they weren't getting an education. So the church decided as an outreach to these uneducated kids, they would use the Bible to teach them how to read. That's how they started Sunday school.

It was not started to be the discipleship arm of the church. Now, I'm not trying to mess up whatever you're about to say to me, but I just want you to have that in your mind before you try to make whatever argument it is that you're about to make. Now go. They have no argument for it. None whatsoever.

Here's what they say. Yeah, but we got families in our church and they wouldn't even know where to start. Really? You got families that don't know how to tithe? They go, well, yeah.

Do you tithe for them? No, we don't do that. That would be kind of and then it dawns on them. If families don't know how to do something, it's our job to teach them. Turn with me to the left to Ephesians chapter 4.

And just look with me, we're familiar with this. Ephesians chapter 4 beginning at verse 11. He gave some as apostles, some as prophets, some as evangelists, some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints, for the works of service, to the building up of the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ." So in other words, God didn't give us these individuals to do Christianity for us. God gave us these individuals in order to equip believers to do what God called believers to do. Newsflash, God called fathers and husbands to be the principal disciplers in their homes, which means a biblical church is a church that does not usurp his role and responsibility there, but comes alongside to equip and expect him to do precisely what the Bible calls him to.

That's what's wrong with the youth ministry model. That's what's wrong with the children's ministry model. That's the problem with this whole thing, is that we're undermining this biblical formation, this biblical mandate that we have. Well, if I'm to lead in my home in the word, by the way, look at chapter six and verse four. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Two things the Father's supposed to do with his children. And this goes back to what we're talking about here in verse 26 with him and his wife, with the washing of the water of the word. As a father, it is my responsibility to teach my children how to believe like Christians and how to behave like Christians. That's my job as a father, all right? If I'm not doing that job as a father, I'm failing in my responsibilities as a father.

By the way, in Titus 1, we looked at the requirements of an elder and it said that he must have children who believe. Right in line with Ephesians 6, because it's my job to teach my children to believe like Christians, but there's also the matter of behaving like Christians. Turn to 1 Timothy 3. 1 Timothy 3. It is a trustworthy statement.

If any man aspires to the office of overseer, or pastor or elder, it is a fine work he desires to do. An overseer then must be above reproach the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not addicted to wine, or pugnacious, but gentle, uncontentious, free from the love of money. He must be one who manages his own household well. What does that mean? Keeping his children under control with all dignity.

But if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God? What did I say in Ephesians chapter six, the father's responsibility was? Teach them to believe like Christians, teach them to behave like Christians. In 1 Timothy three and Titus one, the requirements for those who serve in leadership in the church is that their children believe like Christians and behave like Christians. Why?

Because their job is to model for families what families are supposed to do. But we don't believe that for a minute. We believe the pastor's job is to be the CEO. We believe his kids can go to Hades in a hand basket as long as he looks good behind our pulpit and sounds good behind our pulpit and scratches our itching ears. As a matter of fact, when we begin to look for pastors, the last thing we do is question their wives or question their children or examine their household and how it's run.

We don't care about that. We hire guys without meeting their wife and their children. And again, if you can't say amen, you ought to say ouch. We do it all the time. We don't care.

As a matter of fact, we've fallen so far from this biblical standard and this biblical mandate that there is a euphemism in our culture. The euphemism is, oh, he's a PK. He's a preacher's kid. That's a euphemism for a kid who's rebellious because he's been sacrificed on the altar of ministry and his father didn't raise him in the discipline and instruction of the Lord because he was so busy out doing the CEO job of a pastor. We've missed it.

We've lost it. We are so far removed from the biblical understanding of the responsibilities in the home. Number one, that we rip the responsibilities out of the hands of families in our division of the church and number two We don't even look at it in the life of those who would be our leader We don't ask We don't investigate We don't care Why? Most of the people on your average pastor's search committee, their kids were raised by the youth pastor and 75 to 88% of them don't have anything to do with spiritual things by the end of their freshman year in college, so how are they gonna hold somebody else to that standard? It's not even something we discuss.

It's not even something we talk about. And again, I am not suggesting that pastor's kids have to be perfect. Matter of fact, if a pastor's got perfect kids, then you can't test him. Think about that. See, my job as a father is to disciple my children and to discipline my children.

They gotta mess up for me to do that. Okay, so if my kids are perfect, I never get to exercise those skills. You follow me on this? So we're not talking about perfect kids, but we're talking about people who have a biblical, foundational, fundamental approach that brings about biblical results in their homes. And sometimes the best way to see that is in how they handle those difficult days.

Not that they don't have those difficult days, but how they handle those difficult days, okay? But I have no, again, I have the opportunity to preach all over this country and I'm amazed at how few pastors meet this biblical requirement. I went and preached at church not long ago And I almost wish I was making this up. But I mean, I get on the ground and we're riding and we're talking, I hadn't met this guy before, and he was invited to come and preach at the church for a couple of days. And we went out to eat dinner.

And in this dinner that we ate, now I just met the guy and we're eating dinner together. All right. First time we've ever done anything together. In this dinner, I find out that he's married and that they have three sons. He's a pastor now, been a pastor for a long time.

Son Number one is out in the far country. It's not walking with the Lord, living with some woman. Son number two, he had just come back home from college because son number two went off to play football somewhere, didn't think he was big and strong enough, so he got caught up in a steroid scandal. Son number three had just been arrested the night before for drinking and driving. And the father had had to go and bail him out.

I wish, I wish I had just made that up. I wish I had to make something like that up. This is An hour and a half I'm with this guy and this is what I've uncovered. He had been at that church for a decade and there was no inkling whatsoever that there could possibly be a question as to this man's qualification for his post. Why?

Because we're not holding ourselves to this biblical standard in Ephesians 5. Because if we're not expecting it from our leaders, we're certainly not expecting it from the folks. Lead in love, lead in the word, lead in righteousness. Look at what he says, that he might present to himself the church and all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. Fathers will lead their families in righteousness.

That's what we're looking for. Fathers will lead their families in righteousness. You know, one of the things that we find in the Family Integrated Church movement, and you can sit around and talk to pastors around here who are pastors of Family Integrated Churches, and one of the most common things, and I had a discussion about this with another brother here today, who told me this story, that all of us, If you've been around the family integrated church for a week, you've heard this story five or six times. And here's the story. You know, we were just plodding along at our church and everything was fine.

Then our oldest got old enough for The youth group. We've all heard that story dozens of times. The greatest church growth tool for family integrated churches is youth groups. Amen. Because all of a sudden people, I mean their kid gets old enough to be turned over to that group and they just kind of start going, especially homeschool families, because they just kind of start going, okay, okay, okay, wait a minute, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's kind of like you're getting ready to get a shot at the dentist or something. Okay, okay, go ahead. But they're just not going to do it. And then they sit down and they have a conversation and mom just looks at dad and mom just goes, listen, Those are the kind of kids that made us homeschool. Amen, somebody.

And there's this crisis, you know, and you've taught your kids the word and You've groomed your kids in the Word, and they're reading stuff that the youth pastor hadn't even read yet. And all of a sudden they go over there one day, and they see what's going on, and they watch what's coming in. I was telling somebody, my family and I went to Disney, I guess about a week and a half ago. And it was amazing, it was great, we loved it, we were just tired, just walked us to death. But the other thing was, people just walking around just naked.

And I told somebody, I was like, man, it was just so much flesh. I thought I was at a church youth camp, you know. Whew. And so all of a sudden it comes that time and it's like I've been training my child in righteousness and I look over in this setting and see anything but righteousness. I look over in this setting, in the smoke-filled room, and the lights, and the rock band, and the, you know, and I look over, you know, the cream pies in the face, and, you and the messages that are like this deep and this guy who's either 19 years old and doesn't know a thing or who's 30 years old and never grew up, Who's going to be the one to teach my kid about proper dating relationships?

I don't think so. I mean, I don't think so. By the way, how many times Can you go somewhere on a Wednesday night and talk about how far is too far? Because that's what's going on. That's the setting there.

And so there's this crisis because the father's responsibility is to lead his family in righteousness. That's the role of the spiritual head of a household, to lead the family in righteousness. But instead, we've created a subculture within the church that makes dad have to have these conversations. Sweetheart, you can't wear that. The other girls at church wear it.

Who's determining the righteousness in your house now? What did you just say? Where did you learn that? The kids at church. Who's leading your house in righteousness now?

You want a what? A boyfriend? Yeah. All the guys and girls at the church are going together. Huh?

Who's leading your house in righteousness now? We leave in selflessness. Look at what he says. Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church because we are members of his own body.

And so we have these wonderful selfless sacrificing heads of household who are laying it down. We have dear friends of ours who were, you know, a homeschool family. And what for, God has given us the incredible privilege of leading several families to make different decisions about the way they educate their children. And several families, some of them actually members of our family, who've said, we're doing that. And in this one instance, they fell on hard times.

And rather than him doing whatever he had to do to lay it down and go get a second job or a third job or whatever. He sent her back to work. I think both of us wept, literally wept, cried tears over that situation. And it was hard for me to be around this guy for a long time because you know, that part of me that I don't like to talk about in Sunday school, back when we had Sunday school. That part of me that I try to keep under wraps, that part of me that I don't ever want you to know, cause I'm saved but I remember some stuff, amen.

That part of me wanted to strangle him. That part of me wanted to look at him and say, what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You ought to be somewhere on your hands and knees bleeding and sweating and swearing that there will never come a day when you will turn your wife out to do what you've been called to do and sacrifice your children's education because you don't wanna work. It's happening all over the place.

Being a spiritual head of your household means you lead in selflessness, means you do whatever it takes, whatever it takes, whatever it takes. This is what is going to happen in my family. This is who we are going to be as a family. And you need to say to your wife and you need to say to your children, I want you to understand something. Daddy will do whatever it takes because we will not compromise in these areas in our family.

That is the spiritual head of a household. Finally, he leads in intimacy. This cause a man will leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. That is a picture of protecting your marriage and your family from anything outside of it that would compromise what God's called you to be. Unfortunately, in many instances, that means protecting your family from the church.

And some of you are in that situation right now. Some of you I've talked to, you're in that situation right now, and people are looking at you crazy because your kid's youth group age and you got them sitting with you in church. Everybody's looking at you like, what's wrong with you? Try this one. I was on staff at a church here in Houston.

Big old giant, big, just big old giant, big, huge, nasty, just huge, big for no reason at all church here in Houston. Okay. On the pastoral staff there, my daughter comes of that age and she's not going. Now all of a sudden, well, you're one of the pastors and your kid's not going over there that. Man, that makes me raise this question, okay?

Are you trying to tell me that if I can do for my daughter a better job than you could ever do for my daughter. That this church is structured in such a way that that is overridden by the fact that everybody must go this route. Think about it folks, that's what we're saying. What we're saying is, I don't care if you can bring them to spiritual maturity. When they get 12, you turn them over to us.

How dare you sit in church with your child? How dare you take your child to the adult service on Sunday morning and not over here with the youth. Who do you think you are? Do you hear this? This is where we have come in our culture.

This is where we are today in our culture. Give them to us. I can do a better job than you. It's not the point. The point is, It's our job, not yours.

And if you don't give them to us, you're gonna undermine the machine. And other people are gonna begin to feel guilty because they're not doing what you're doing. Imagine that. We lead in intimacy. I want you to understand something significant here.

The Bible teaches clearly that the marriage relationship supersedes the parent-child relationship. You catch that? For this cause, a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. The marriage relationship supersedes every other relationship. That also means my marriage relationship supersedes my relationship with my children.

And I let them know that regularly. Mommy and daddy's marriage comes before you. And some of you look at me cross-eyed like, what I thought I, absolutely. Listen, my marriage to Bridget is the foundation that provides the security for Jasmine, Trey and Elijah. If I don't prioritize my marriage over them, I'm jeopardizing their life.

Here's another way to look at it. Our job with them is to get them grown and get them gone. If they are our priority, then when they leave, our marriage dies. How many times have we heard about people who have been married 20, 25, 30 years and get a divorce? You know what happened?

Their marriage was built around the children. When the children left, they had Nothing. It was over. You better believe my marriage is prioritized over my children. And you better believe that when they leave to go marry another, we will tell them you'd better prioritize that relationship over this one.

We're here for you. We love you would still do anything for you. But your job now and your goal now is to provide a place for the spiritual development and nurturing of the next generation and you can't even let us, your parents, get in the way of that. That relationship is prioritized. That family relationship is prioritized.

So thank you very kindly, but I'm not gonna split up with my wife so that we can go and do double work to feed the machine. This is the picture. This is the picture. Here's another principle and I'll be done. And I'm sorry, we got to get from the McDonald up here.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise that it may be well with you and that it may live long on the earth. Listen to this. Sometimes we make the mistake of looking at this as a promise for the individual child. This is bigger than that.

If you realize that this comes from Deuteronomy chapter five, This comes from the 10 commandments. God's giving the 10 commandments to the nation of Israel. He says in the fifth commandment, which is the first of our, you know, of our horizontal commandments and the first commandment with a promise, this is a prominent commandment here. What he's saying is this. And you look at Deuteronomy five and Deuteronomy six, here's what he's saying.

I'm giving the responsibility of teaching and nurturing the next generation to parents. If the community is to survive, if my people are to continue to survive in a culture of opposition. Two things must happen. Number one, parents must pass on the faith to their children. And secondly, children must honor and obey their parents if you don't.

If this breaks down, The community of faith breaks down. This is not just about my individual children. This is about the community of faith. Listen, don't miss this. The way we're doing church today is jeopardizing the future of the church itself.

Because we are undermining this very principle. We are saying, children, obey your youth pastor. Children, honor your youth pastor. By the way, if we go back to the whole educational thing, Again, you want to know, there's several reasons why we're a homeschool family. Here's one.

Because the nature of our educational system is this, is that we say to our child at a very young age, there are things that I cannot give you, and there are other people far more qualified than we are, and we're going to turn them over to you. Once you've said that, you've told your children that there are people who are more crucial in their life and development than you are. You have given away your honor. Same thing happens in children's church, same thing happens with the youth pastor. We are undermining the very core and foundation upon which our future is built.

And we don't even know it. We don't even get it. We don't even see it. And then there are a lot of people, And I know some of you, you know, some of you have seen there's some people who will say, oh yeah, we're a family integrated church, we're this, we're that, and the other, the other. And you go and you look at that church and you look at their website and they got all the stuff that all the rest of the churches have, but they just say, you know, we're, we're real, become the family.

If you add family integration to the rest of your programs that undermine the family, you're just rearranging chairs on the deck of the Titanic. You need another boat. That's what we're talking about here. We need another ship. That's what this is about.

What we are doing is not just failing, but it's designed to fail. There is a critical design flaw in this mechanism that we call the modern American program-driven church. And this design flaw makes it so that the family that succeeds and thrives is the exception and not the rule. God help us if we don't wake up. God help us if we don't change and get our houses in order.

Let's pray. Father, thank you for this time that you've given us. I pray that you would multiply the time that we have remaining and make up for any moments that I've stolen. And I pray that your word would resonate with us as we continue to strive individually and collectively to get our houses in order. This is our prayer, and we ask it in Jesus' name.

Amen. Thank you. Thank you.