The Heart of a Marriage by Scott Brown

Just to continue my thoughts, particularly from Ephesians 5, about love. Love is the central matter. In Ephesians 5, the central text in the Bible on marriage. Now, I want to say some things about being set free. Jesus Christ sets captives free.

He breaks chains. He breaks the chains of the world. He unravels the corrupt ways of thinking about love. I want to talk about love. You know, frankly, I want to talk to two kinds of people here, three kinds of people.

First, I want to talk to the people who are not married here. I know there are several. There are several of you that are not married. I'm going to talk to you about love. I'm talking to you about love right now.

And maybe some of you have children who are entering into the age of the arousal of love and they're thinking about getting married. Anybody in that boat have children that are thinking about that? So I know there are several because I've talked to you about it. But I want I want to talk about love. The Bible is a wrecking ball to all the corrupt views of love.

God is here to set you free from the chains of things that aren't love. And of course, you know, Ephesians 5 destroys wrong views of love. We, in our flesh, in the culture that we live in, we compare love to the adrenaline rush of infatuation, and there's so many distorted views of love. You go to the Christian bookstores and pick up books on marriage, almost all of them have distorted views of love. Now Scott LaPierre's book is not like that.

Scott LaPierre's book actually comes out of the Bible. But most books about marriage don't really start with the Bible. They actually start with you. The wrong place. Hollywood is no help.

Hollywood is a wrecking ball to the things that are truly of love. Wrong views of love are acquired from parents and friends. Wrong views of love arise out of just trigger reactions that we have, you know, toward one another. The Apostle Paul made it very clear how dangerous this world is. He says, see to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception according to the tradition of men rather than according to Christ.

Because Christ, he puts a wrecking ball to the corrupt views of love, but he sets you free. He breaks your chains. He gives you something of actual value, of eternal value. So that's really what I want to talk about. Perhaps some of you are discouraged about your marriages.

Maybe someone has spoken about being tempted to throw in the towel. Somebody said that marriage is a little bit like a screen door for some. The ones on the inside, one out and the ones on the outside, one in, the flies. And but here's a reality. Your marriage, the marriages of your children, the future marriages that you might engage in can easily be destroyed by wrong views of love and the views of romance novels and sort of the adrenal rush view of love.

You know almost everybody gets married on romantic attraction. That's true. But what God has done is He's built in to your system a neurochemical reaction that feels like elation. And these are endorphins. These are just common chemical reactions in the body.

Hormones that are released into your system, and they give pleasure, and they give euphoria. These are, you know, just so often confused with love. You need to get over that before you get married, by the way. Please make sure you get over that before you get married. You know, there are a lot of things that do that.

I mean, exercise, you know, produces endorphins. Somebody once said that if you could put exercise in a pill, everybody would buy it because it makes you feel so good afterwards. It relieves depression. It reduces anxiety. It creates positive feelings.

These are endorphins. These are just chemical reactions in the body. You know, if you're not married yet, be aware of intoxication, of relational intoxication. Here's what it looks like. Are you ready?

Like you can talk on the phone with somebody for five hours. By the way, that doesn't last. How many of you have been married 20 years, talk on the phone with your wife for five hours? It just doesn't happen, because that's not what love is. It's just not part of the equation.

It's part of something else. It's part of intoxication. It's part of being drunk on endorphins. That's why you can talk for five hours to somebody on the phone. And so don't be confused.

Sexual attraction is like this. You know, they're fed by chick-flick stories and, you know, these ridiculous romances in Hollywood where, you know, you bump into somebody at the water cooler and you're instantly in love. That's ridiculous. That's not love. That is not love at all.

That's not how love works. And it's chemistry, but it's not love. But here's a reality. No one in this world can give you the ongoing adrenal rush that you had when you decided you wanted to marry somebody. No one can keep that up.

It just doesn't exist. Most people get married on infatuation and that does cause a lot of problems but the reality is God has given us an understanding of what love is. And that's really what I want to talk about. What is love? The honeymoon phase doesn't go on forever.

You know, Deborah and I have had a very, very sweet marriage every day, every day of our lives. But, you know, the enderphone rush is gone. But I said, I love her. I really do. But it's a different, it's different now.

There was a study recently in a university in Italy. And here's what they determined about infatuation. It lasts about a year. It lasts about a year. Now, there's another study that I read about where they concluded that it doesn't last more than two years.

So, you know, I know people who really discourage young people from getting married within one to two years of their relationship because they're still on the emotional endorphin high. And it's normal. It should be expected. It's going to happen. It's the romantic endorphin rush is not wrong.

It's a reality, okay. It's going to happen to you probably. In fact, frankly, I don't want to do a wedding unless people, unless the couple is really excited about getting married. If they're not that excited about it, I'm not going to do the wedding. I want them to be pretty jazzed about it.

So, But there's a normal calculable response. Gary Thomas wrote a book called The Sacred Search. He wrote it for single people. It's a pretty good book. He says the average lifespan of an infatuation is almost always less than two years.

He says this. Here's what infatuation looks like. Not only are you stupid when you are infatuated, you also become extremely vulnerable. Maybe you have some kids that are really extremely vulnerable right now because of infatuation and maybe you need to help them figure out what's going on with them. It's, you know, you've heard the term puppy love.

That's what we're talking about. Gary Thomas says this. He says, falling in love can be a very dangerous game. Be careful who you play it with. And he says, he says, he thinks it's unwise for people to get engaged in less than a year.

And typically, you know, my counsels to young people typically are, wait until the enderphone rush dies down a bit. Just wait until reality sits in. Gary Thomas says you don't sign a mortgage when you're drunk. He says, infatuation is like being drunk. He says, you don't make lifelong commitments when you're intoxicated with love.

Because love isn't a feeling. It can include feelings but the way the Bible talks about love is that it's something that you do. It's something that you do for somebody else. That's what the Bible says. So I want you to turn to 1 Corinthians 13, because we're going to talk about love.

You unmarried people got that? You understand what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? OK, good deal. So 1 Corinthians 13, I'm going to just highlight 15 marks of true love from this passage.

And so if you're there, 1st Corinthians 13 verse 1. The first three verses speak about the value of love. So I'm going to read those. The value of love. The beauty of love is that it breaks the chains of everything that's not love.

What a blessing it is. God is so good to deliver us from the things that don't really work. So the value of love, verse 1. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a clanging symbol. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing." The summary of it is, without love you ain't nothing. That's basically what this means. This is the love of God. You can be so talented, you can be so remarkable, you can do Amazing things but without love it doesn't matter. Love matters.

God's love matters. And then in verses 4 through 7 are the signs of love, verse 4, the signs of love. Love suffers long and is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not parade itself.

Is not puffed up. Does not behave rudely. Does not seek its own. Is not provoked. Thinks no evil.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Those are the signs of love. It has nothing to do with the intoxicating endorphin rush of romance. It's what you do.

And then finally the permanence of love, verses 8 through 12. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail. Whether there are tongues, they will cease. Whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but that which is perfect has come. Then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face. Now I know in part but then I shall know just as I am also known.

And then finally verse 13, the supremacy of love. Now abide faith, hope, love, these three, But the greatest of these is love. The purpose of everything in heaven and on earth is love. Nothing matters without love. The Apostles said nothing matters without love.

Nothing lasts without love. Nothing is beautiful without love. Well and that really is the heart of the matter in Ephesians 5 in the text about marriage. God created marriage for the expression of His love in the world. So in this passage, the apostle gives us 15 marks of love.

I don't think this is an exhaustive list, but it's perhaps the most complete itemized list of what love is, what it looks like in the entire Bible. And of course, that's why everybody turns to it when they want to learn about love. So these 15 distinguishing marks of love are manifestations of the presence of Jesus Christ in your heart, in your marriage, and if you're thinking about marrying, the same. So also if you read these carefully, it's very clear that every one of them, all these 15 marks, reflect the way that Jesus Christ loves his church. If you're a Christian, the Lord Jesus has loved you this way.

How about that? This is how you are loved by the Lord Jesus. If you turn to Him and you follow Him and you want to be His disciple and he breaks the power of sin, you've repented of your sins, and you're running toward him. This is how you're loved. So it's, you should always think, you know, on two planes when you're reading 1st Corinthians 13.

You should think about what love is, but you should also think about how you're loved by Christ. And here's something that's very apparent in this text and in this list. Love is not a discipline. Love is not a work of the flesh. Love is a fruit.

It's a fruit that comes from something real. It's a fruit that comes out of the converted heart. It's a fruit that emerges as a result of the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Love isn't a discipline. It's a fruit.

It's a manifestation of something real that is happening in your soul before God. It's a manifestation of a work of God and a power of God by the Holy Spirit. That's what love is. And that's why if you want to love, then turn to the Lord and worship the Lord and be filled with the Holy Spirit. That's where love comes from.

So the very nature of this word love that is used in this passage is the same word that's used in John 3.16. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever would believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. This is love. So let's talk about love here. Of course we've talked about the value of love, but I want to talk about these manifestations of love, these marks of love.

Number one, love suffers long. Love suffers long. Or love is patient when wronged. You only need long suffering when you've been wronged. That's the only time you really need it.

And again, you know, Christ is patient. Christ is long suffering with us. And he has a prolonged patience. He has a particular patience with us for particular sins committed particularly. Love suffers long.

That's what love is. Number two, love is kind. And frankly, love is kind to the unkind. When you're in a marriage, you might experience unkindness from your spouse. You know, it's interesting when people get married.

I've done a lot of weddings, you know, and it's so funny in about two or three months, this sweet couple will come back. And they always say the same thing. You pastors know what they say. They say, I didn't realize how selfish I was. Well, love is kind to the unkind.

Christ loved us, and He made us alive while we were dead in our trespasses and sins. We were rebellious idolaters, and he made us alive. This is love. So love is kind to the unkind. Third, love does not envy when someone else prospers.

Love does not envy when someone else prospers. To Envy is to experience an emotion and then to react. Envy desires to destroy the object of that envy. And of course, the Lord Jesus did not seek to do us wrong. He did not conspire to harm us.

He conspired to heal us. But love does not envy when someone else prospers. Number four, love does not parade itself for self-exaltation and this is like Christ as well. Christ humbled himself. He made himself a bond servant.

He washed Peter's feet. He used a borrowed boat. He was buried in a borrowed tomb. He humbled himself. He used a borrowed donkey to go into Jerusalem.

He was poor, making many rich. Love does not parade itself. You know the greatest thing that you can do for your marriage is to repent of your pride, identify your pride. Here's the problem with pride. God reveals it over time, over a long time, and you never get to the bottom of your pride.

Trust me. I'm probably the oldest guy in the room. I can just guarantee you God will continue to reveal your pride your whole life long, but it's a good thing. It's actually one of the most comforting things because you know how kind God is to you. Number five, love is not puffed up over his own opinions.

Some of y'all who are getting ready to get married, you know you think you're gonna get married sometime soon, you're gonna find out that you have really strong opinions on things that don't really matter. So you might just get over it now, but love is not puffed up over his own opinions. Christ is gentle and humble in heart. There's a flexibility in love. You know, love actually wants to do what the other person wants to do.

You know, I actually eat food today that I would not eat before I was married. We go to places and I enjoy them to places I didn't want to go before. But that's the great thing about marriage, you get broadened out. You know, it takes you places that you haven't gone. So you need to be flexible.

And learn how to enjoy what your spouse enjoys because love is not puffed up over his own opinions. Number six, love is not behaved rudely in responding to others. Christ is gracious in His speech. When people heard Christ speak, they said no one ever spoke like this man. He was not rude.

He spoke the truth in love. Like, we have a very difficult time with that. We can speak the truth, but it's not always in love. Number seven, Love does not seek its own. Love does not seek its own.

You might be the head of your house, but The truth is every wise head does not seek its own. I heard somebody once say every well-functioning head has two ears. Number eight, love is not provoked when challenged. Love is not provoked. Christ was actually silent when he was arrested.

Number nine, love thinks no evil. In other words, you know, love doesn't keep a record of wrongs. Love doesn't assume wrong. It doesn't think evil. Love thinks the best of the other person.

You know, frankly, most of the problems in a church happen because somebody wasn't thinking the best of somebody. I mean, it's legendary and people get all in a huff because they're not thinking the best of their brother and so all kinds of fissures and Fractures happen because people don't think the best of one another, right? That's right. How many church splits could have been avoided if the people just thought the best of one another? Lots.

Lots. Number 10, love does not rejoice in iniquity. Love doesn't celebrate worldliness. Love doesn't celebrate evil celebrities. And I would just caution you, If you're celebrating evil celebrities in your house, you should stop doing that.

Love doesn't celebrate evil. Number 11, love rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things. In other words, love absorbs, love takes it. Love doesn't just react, Love takes the hit and receives the blow and doesn't strike back.

Love bears all things. Has the Lord done that with you? Has the Lord been forbearing with you? You know, let's just say you've been a Christian for 20 years. How much of your residual sin has the Lord patiently borne.

And so we ought to do the same thing. Should bear one another's burdens. Number 13, love believes all things. Number 14, love hopes all things, even when things seem hopeless. You know, People often give up too early.

Number 15, love endures all things. When life is hard, Christ endured the cross, despising the shame. And it wasn't the pain of the crown of thorns. It wasn't the spitting. It wasn't the piercing of the side.

It wasn't the nails in Christ's feet that was the great pain. The pain that he suffered was the weight of sin. It wasn't primarily a physical pain. Those were small compared to bearing the sin of the world. He endured.

He endured the cross in that sense. Christ has done that. What do you have to endure? You know, you might say, well, you know, My spouse is such a cross to me. Well, how much of a cross?

What did Christ suffer for us? Well, all these things just speak of the superiority of the love of God. You know that song, I love this song, the love of God. You know that song? I love to sing that song.

The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell. It reaches to the highest star and to the lowest hell. But, you know, the purpose of everything on earth and in heaven is for the display of the love of God. Everything. Everything in nature.

Every good gift that He's given you is to display His love. Your spouse? It's not for your glory, it's to glorify God. God didn't give marriage to glorify yourself. God gave you marriage to glorify the love of God in Christ Jesus.

That's the purpose of it. You know, when you know the purpose of something, then you'll know what to do with it. And when you know the purpose of marriage, you'll know what to do with it. We've already made it very clear that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. When you know the purpose of something, then you know what to do.

All you need is to display the love of Jesus Christ in whatever situation that comes across your life. You'll always know what to do. This is a great thing about being a Christian. We know what to do. We know how to think about things.

Even the things that have happened in the last two years. We know how to think about disease. We know how to think about government. The Bible has told us how to think about all these things. We're not confused.

You know, for our church it was like the happiest year ever because we knew what to do. God is so good. He tells you And all these things are by the power of the Holy Spirit. You know, there's nothing better than God. God breaks the chains of all the corrupt ways of the world.

And what does He do? He gives you a spirit, His spirit of love. He gives you His Spirit of joy. He gives you His Spirit of peace. He gives you His Spirit of patience and kindness.

Is that the kind of life you want to have? He gives you the very best things. Don't deconstruct those. You'll lose everything of value in the world by going in your own way. So all this to say, hey, love is not an emotion.

It's a fruit. It's not even a decision. It's a manifestation of the love of God. It comes from knowing God. You must know the difference between love and infatuation.

And time is helpful to know that difference. Some of you have children that are trying to figure out who they're going to marry. You know, you might ought to help them slow down. Because Hollywood and everything is screaming at them to follow their indifference and to get married drunk. And you don't want to do that.

You know, you might find yourself saying, he's so perfect. That just isn't true. You'll find that out after a while. Maybe it's a year, maybe it's two years. Absolutely, if you're thinking about getting married, you want to get over the idea she's so perfect because it isn't true.

But what will sustain you is the love of God in Christ Jesus. Praise the Lord for such a good God to give us such good gifts. What a blessing. Would you pray with me? Lord, Lord I thank you.

You're the God of truth, the God without injustice. Lord, you are light, you are bread, you are water, You are every good thing. So Lord I pray that you would bless all these marriages with all the sweetnesses of heaven. Oh Lord that you would deliver them from their sins. That you would help them to fulfill all of these ways of love and to never be confused about what it means to be married.

Amen.