In his sermon, Dr. Joel Beeke discusses the scriptural duties of a husband as it pertains to loving their wife and exercising authority in the marriage. Drawing from the Puritan perspective, he emphasizes the importance of loving one's wife on the basis of five grounds: God's command, marriage vows, the wife's nearness, the husband's comfort and happiness, and the husband's other duties. The pattern of a husband's love should be modeled after Christ's love for the church, with a focus on tenderness and cheerfulness. The Puritans also highlight the need for affection, compromise, open-heartedness, and comforting one's wife in times of trial. These elements, combined with the husband's authority, create a strong foundation for a Christ-centered and loving marriage.

I'm going to pick up where we left off last talk with 1 Peter 3. I'd like to just read verses 7 through 9. 7 through 9. Likewise ye husbands, Dwell with them, dwell with your spouse, according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing, but contrary wise, blessing for blessing, knowing that ye are thereunto called that you should inherit a blessing.

These are truly beautiful words seldom even by Christians today conscientiously followed and yet we ought to intentionally live them day by day. Let's pray together. Lord God, I thank thee for the opportunity to bring this address, my last address at this conference, to husbands in particular, to exercise love and authority toward their wives at the same time. And help each man, each husband who is present here, to realize that the exercising of his authority over and toward his wife is actually a branch of the tree of love. Lord, help him, help us as husbands to exercise authority in our families, relationship to our wives, out of Christ-centered, Christ-exemplary love.

So be with us now and bless us in Jesus' name. Amen. So, in this last talk, what I want to do is an outline, I think I have three things, but I want to just do two things. I want to, in looking at the scriptural duties of the husband, talk a bit more of things I haven't said yet about how to love your wife, and secondly, about how to exercise authority toward your wife. And then the third point I had down was a concluding counsel and prayer from George Swinok.

George Swinok has a 21 page single-spaced prayer about the duties, mutual duties of husbands and wives, and then the duties of wives, and then the duties of husbands. I was gonna read you different parts of it, but it's in the back of the book that we're selling here, so you can read it on your own later, Living in a Godly Marriage. It is the most amazing prayer I've ever read in my life, by far and away, about marriage. And it goes on and on, but there's no repetition. It's a beautiful, beautiful prayer.

Anyway, what I want to do then is look first with you at how men ought to love their wives. The Puritans said, all of a man's deeds and all of a man's words towards his wife should be sprinkled with kindness, given with gentleness, and be permeated with understanding, which make up love that stands entirely contrary to bitterness. And by bitterness They're thinking of Colossians 3 verse 19. For love, said Richard Steele, is the great wheel which by its own motion carries about all the other wheels of the affections that are within us and the actions that are without us. Think about that quote.

Love, love, is that affection inside of you that moves all the other wheels of all other kinds of affections within you, but it also impacts all the actions that go out from you. So we're not talking about a small thing here, we're talking about something that is comprehensive. Now what is the ground of this beautiful husbandly love? Well, the Puritans say there's not just one ground, there's five grounds. So There's always a multiplication when you're dealing with the Puritans because they do everything so thoroughly.

First of all, again, they always go back to this. God commands it. God requires it. So end of story. You don't need any other additional grounds.

God requires it. That's enough. Husbands, love your wives. That's all we really need to know. But then it's good that God reinforces this in other ways.

Number two, our own vows require it. Our own vows require it. We have a marriage commitment. We talked about that covenant of love. So we're covenanted to love our wives as Christ loves the church.

And this is embedded in the very vow of marriage itself. Number three, the Puritans say, the nearness of your wife to you, men, requires it. Because there's no one so near and dear to you as your wife. She has a right, she has a sacred right to your love. If you are commanded to love your neighbors yourself, how much more you are commanded to love your wife?

As one parent puts it, she shares your home, she shares your table, she shares your bed, she shares your children, and shall you then not love her? Now Jason talked so beautifully about this, and my wife and I have actually talked about this, Jason, quite a bit, like how crazy it is Not to treat your wife or your spouse better than anyone else. I mean it's crazy to treat strangers better than those in your own house. But you explained it well why people do that because of this reprieve, you know, you only have to do it for a few hours. But that doesn't take away from the Puritan conviction that your wife is so close to you, she's one with you, these two shall be one.

And So the way that the two become one more and more is through love. Now, the Puritans say this is a lifelong journey. That the two become more and more one through love. So love should grow throughout the marriage, throughout the decades. You really should love your wife more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

You really should do that. That's what God expects of you. And to the Puritans, this is a big deal. So let me put it in contemporary terms. You know, let's compare it to salvation.

When you are justified by faith, you're saved, you're justified by faith, you are completely justified before God, Your sins are washed away, right? You are made one with Christ. But when you're sanctified, which flows out of justification, that's a gradual process That will take your entire lifetime. And it's only when you stand before Christ on the day of days that your sin clothes, as the Puritans would say, your sin clothes are left behind in the grave, and you'll be as holy as Christ is holy. And your sanctification will be complete.

Well, because marriage is a reflection of the Christ-Christian relationship, you see, the Puritans said it's the same way with marriage. And they pictured it this way. When you walked into the church to get married, how did you come in? You came in as two people. How did you walk out at the end of the ceremony?

You walked out hand in hand. These two shall be one. That's not just a coincidence. That symbolism of walking out of a wedding together means that from that moment on, you see, the two are one. You are now in the state of marriage.

Think of that parallel to justification. You are now Mr. And Mrs. So and so. You're one.

But it takes a lifetime to realize that oneness. That's the sanctification process that works in marriage. And more and more you're to grow to be one. And the most beautiful marriage, the Puritans would say, is a couple that gets spared together for 30, 40, 50 years of marriage, and they become old, and they think alike, and they talk to each other. They can almost finish each other's sentences.

They know how each other thinks and they have the same mindset. They're both bonded to the word of God and they seem to almost lean on each other and they almost start to look alike. Have you ever seen that? When the old couple, they start to look alike and you can't imagine the one without the other. It's all a process of the two becoming one.

Well, what is the cement that glues them together? What is the driving thrust of that growing oneness? It's the husband loving his wife and the wife responding to that husband. So that's what the Puritans mean when they say, her nearness to him requires the husband's love. And then fourth, his comfort and his happiness depend upon him loving his wife.

It's an interesting thing. This is true of all forms of love, isn't it? When you love God, who gets richer? God is perfectly rich in himself. You get richer.

When you love the church, who gets richer? You get richer. Your soul is united more and more with God, vertical relationship, horizontal relationship with people. When you love your wife, you are enriched. You see, the more love we give away, love is the opposite of money, you give it away, you lose it.

You give love away, you gain, You gain. And so that's why Jesus said it's more blessed to give than to receive. And that's peculiarly true of love. When you love your wife with passion, when you love her like crazy, when you relish her, when you thoroughly delight in her. You are a happy man and you have so much joy in your marriage that you just are humbled before God.

You say, why did I ever do, I don't know what I did to deserve such a wife, I just love her so, so much. So you're your own worst enemy when you don't love your wife. That's the point of the Puritans. Your comfort, your happiness, man, depends on loving your wife. And number five, a husband's other duties require this love as well.

And then they go on to say this, all your duties must flow out of love or they cannot be done well, 1 Corinthians 16, 14. And your wife needs to be able to see and feel your love in all that you do. That is to say, she must be able to distinguish your care and your love from the care and love of all others in her life. There must be something special about your love that goes above and beyond anyone else's love, even in the love of your reproofs, even in the love of your authority, even in the love of your protection, isn't that beautiful? And you see, when your wife feels that your love to her is singular and that no one in the world loves her the way you love her, then submission is not hard work.

And Then she loves you in response. Now, the second thing that Puritans talk about is not only the ground of your love, but the pattern of your love. We talked about that already. I gave you four things. You're to love her, remember, sacrificially and absolutely and realistically and purposely.

Well, Puritans developed that much greater detail. I won't overwhelm you with this, but they talk about you should love her heartily, they have a whole section on that. You should love her freely, you should love her holily, you should love her enduringly, you should love her fruitfully, and so on. So it's the same kind of thing I said in an earlier talk, but they just expand it so that it just goes out in multiple directions, and it really impacts your whole way of life. You love, you're to love your wife in all these ways because Christ loved his church in all these ways.

And you say, this is the Puritan way of thinking, Are you going to complain that you your wife is so obstinate that it's hard to love her perseveringly? How did Jesus love you? He persevered all the way to the cross for you when you were an enemy and not a friend. This is the glory of Christ's love, that he died for sinners and rebels, you see. So your one goal in life, your major goal in life, in relationship to your wife, is that you're to love her the way Christ loves the church.

Period. And that means you love her holily, and you love her enduringly, you love her heartily, You love her in all these ways. You love her freely. Now, two things, two things the Puritans say are to be gathered from this pattern by which the husband is to love his wife the way that Christ loves the church. Two things that really need to be pressed upon you and the first is tenderness.

Tenderness. You're to love her tenderly. As Peter says, she's the weaker vessel, she has tender affections. You're heirs together of the grace of life. You're to love her that your prayers may not hinder.

If you don't love her, you can't pray with her, pray with her with all your heart. You can't feel that bonding intimacy as you clasp hands together and you pray together there's something in between you when you're not loving her so you're to love her tenderly tenderly You're to nurse her wounds with the tenderest care. And be careful not to cause her any more pain. Treat her like a tender Vessel. I read recently in a more modern marriage book, I thought it was kind of interesting.

It said, you know, you've got outdoor furniture that can stay outside all year round, And then you've got tender vases in your home that if they just were to tip over, they would break. But you treat them very tenderly. Because they're very special. They're expensive. Well, the author said, your wife is like that tender vase.

You can't just run over her and think you're not destroying something. You can't just yell at her. Scott Brown was just talking in the Q and A about yelling at your wife. I've never heard my parents in my entire growing up ever, ever yell at each other. I only heard them arguing one time.

And it was about me, of all things. It was behind the bedroom doors. I came down late at night, about two o'clock in the morning. And my dad had spanked me pretty hard. And I heard them talking pretty animatedly in the bedroom and I leaned up against the door.

And they were talking about me and my heart was like beating. And I heard my mother say, I think you hit him too hard. Dad, my dad said, no, you had it coming. You know. I mean, that's such an unusual experience.

I remember it 65 years later, you know? You know, you are to be so tender with your wife. Your words are to be so kind to her that she feels your love even in times of mild reproof. And this will set the tone for the whole marriage. You set the tone, man, You set the tone for the marriage.

God makes man largely an initiator and a woman a responder. So it's up to you to be tender. And you think, you think, if you exercise authority in a non-tender way and your wife submits that you've won the battle and she's submitting to you now, uh-uh, uh-uh. You didn't win that battle, you lost it. Because if she doesn't submit with all her heart, as she builds resentment inside of her, you've lost a lot of ground in your marriage.

So she may be outwardly obeying, but not inwardly. And part of it's your fault, because you weren't tender. Reminds me of a story of a woman in my church. She was, they were going on vacation and there was a girl in the backseat who forgot to put her seatbelt on. And so her dad said, you put that seatbelt on right away.

And the child said, no. And the dad said, you put on right now or I'm stopping on the side of the highway, I'm gonna pull you out, I'm gonna spank you. Child sat down, put on the seatbelt. Minute later, they're driving down the highway. Daddy?

Yes? I've got my seatbelt on and I'm sitting down but in my heart I'm still standing up. Whoa. But you see that's actually how a wife feels when you belittle her and exercise your authority in an aggressive and rough way. You think she's being submissive now, But you've only forced her to be that way and you've really lost it.

Secondly, you don't only love her tenderly, but the overall spirit of your love is also cheerful love. That's not the image you thought of Puritans either, is it? That they were cheerful people. That's exactly what they were. Cheerful love, cheerful love.

There's no need, there's no need to convince a person to care or to provide for himself. People do that gladly and cheerfully. But you're not in life to serve yourself. You're in life to serve your wife, first of all, under Christ. And so you must serve her cheerfully.

You must love her gladly and cheerfully. It must be a joy to love her. So that's the twofold pattern. As You think about how Christ loves the church and you're to love the church in all these six or seven different ways. You're to do all of that tenderly, cheerfully, like Jesus.

Jesus. And the Puritans also say that your love must be an affectionate love, an affectionate love. The tongue, says James, is an unruly evil, a world of iniquity set on fire by hell. And we need to mortify, we need to mortify that tongue. And the closer we are to someone, The deeper our words can penetrate that person and the more hurt, the more hurt they can do.

So, if you really want a fruitful, happy, glorious, joyful, Christ-honoring, word-based marriage, you've got to control your tongue in your marriage. If your wife has a certain fault, whatever it may be, and she's tender about that fault, When that fault comes to the surface, I'm talking about a non-sin fault or a non-sin weakness. And you rub it in or you even laugh When she stumbles into that fault again, you do damage to your marriage. Just hold your tongue, say nothing, and give her space. And she will appreciate your kindness, that you're not gloating over her faults.

Marriage is not a competition, marriage is a cooperation. And so You even compromise, not principles, but you compromise in terms of coming together on things in this fruitful, tender, affectionate way. My dad turned 70. I've had to have it all my last 40 years or so. People have a birthday, anyone in the family, I always say to them, and people, oh no, here he goes again, but I always say to them, okay, now that you're such and such an age, what kind of wisdom can you teach those of us who are younger?

That's why I asked my dad when he was 70, I said, dad, what can you teach us now that you're 70? And he said some things, and I said, Dad, what is the most important thing, now that you've been married for 50 years, what's the most important thing in marriage? I thought he'd say communication, I thought he'd say love. Interestingly, he said compromise. Compromise, that's kind of surprised me.

But you know, when you have a basically good relationship already and there's a lot of love there, really the ongoing development of the relationship, There is compromise. You give toward each other and you find a middle ground on things. And that keeps your marriage from going downhill. That's part of law, being willing to compromise on non-sin issues. Also, love will not only help you show affection and make you compromise, but it will also help you to live an open-hearted life, the Puritans say, with your wife, an open hearted life.

That is to say, you will not treat her as a stranger from whom you keep secrets. Jason earlier called it a vulnerable life. Rather you will pour out your heart into hers and you will live together as bosom friends, that's a favorite expression of Puritans for very close friends, who share your thoughts, hopes, fears, desires and dreams with one another. Notice this, you as a husband will welcome her into your mind and you will be glad to know her mind. Isn't that an interesting way of putting it?

See the more you love, the more you want to love and the more you want to know your partner and you want her to know you. Now this is something in general that women are better at than men. And so this is something, brothers, I would just say to you that learn to appreciate that more and more in your life. The woman wants to know how you feel about things. And you're prone to just kind of, that doesn't matter, let's get on with the job.

You're more mission accomplished wired and she's more, maybe you're a bit more cognitively wired too, but she's often more affection wired or emotionally wired. And she wants to know how you felt, how things went, you know. I go out to lunch with all kinds of people at my seminary and stuff, and I get home, my wife says, well, where did you go? I'm thinking to myself, if I don't catch myself, where did I even go? I can hardly remember myself.

What did you have to eat? Who could care less what I had to eat? But you know, it's all part of her caring for me. And I've got to understand that. If other people ask me those questions, it'd be kind of crazy.

Like, you know, are they trying to probe into every detail of my life? When my wife asks it, This is her language of love to me. So I need to respond with love. And I need to be patient with those questions. So yes, yes, I had asparagus with the salmon, whatever.

You know, and I don't say it in a frustrated voice because I understand she's caring about me. This is her language of love. So in a good marriage you learn each other's language of love and you respond to that. You also, the Puritans would say, learn to live tenderly with your wife's weaknesses. Richard Steele says, your whole carriage to her should be full of tenderness and composed of love and compassion.

You will not demand, you should not demand of her what she can never give and you should wait patiently for that which she cannot give at the present time. Oh there's a world of wisdom in that. Don't expect your wife to exercise gifts she doesn't have and don't ever, ever tell her, well you know, I know a lady that has those gifts Or my mother had those gifts. Oh, total disaster. That hit a tender spot.

I was really, really thankful that my mother was just a horrible cook. My mother couldn't take anything in her stomach. She had to do everything very, very, very well done. Everything was dry. It wasn't until I was in the army, I was 19 years old, that I actually began to taste food.

And you know, this actually tastes good. In the army. Yeah, in the army. And everybody was complaining about the food in the army. That's how bad my mother's cooking was.

My mother could make good brownies and good waffles and that's about it. Everything else was dry. So man, Mary's cooking was like out of this world. I actually didn't realize until I was in the army that people enjoyed eating. I thought you just ate to survive.

Anyway, so never, never compare your wife to anyone else. If she's got areas of weakness, you embrace them. And you know how you embrace them? You remember how many areas of weakness you have. And you just appreciate what she has and don't focus on what she doesn't have.

That's the point. Also you need to tend in in this tender love you need to really really lay on the comfort in a major way when your wife is in some trial. You need to be very affectionate. You need to sit beside her, put your arm around her, draw her out, draw her out, ask her questions that draw her out until she pours out her whole heart. And stop thinking right away you've got to give solutions to all the answers to the problem, all the answers to the problem.

One time, quite early in our marriage, I'll tell you this. Mary was troubled about something and we sat down and we talked about it. It wasn't a marital difficulty, but she was troubled about it. She wanted to express this, I can't even remember the event, anyway. So I listened and I drew her out.

And meanwhile, in my mind, I'm like a counselor. I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna say after I've got it all out on the table. And I've got like four thoughts, four solutions. I've got them all organized in my mind. And just about as I'm ready to give solution number one, she says, oh this was so wonderful to talk together, thank you so much.

And I go, but wait a minute, you know, don't you want any solutions? Oh no, she said, I just wanted to talk to you and unburden myself and I'm fine now and I'm going, well I got all these solutions. But she wasn't interested in the solutions. I think I ended up telling them to her later but, but the point is this sometimes your wife are you okay Mary okay sometimes you sometimes your wife just wants you to listen then So stop thinking about always giving solutions and solving all her problems, especially if you're a mathematician or an electronic engineer or something. You're just thinking in terms of categories of solutions with your work.

Your wife wants the emotional connection. She wants you on the same page. She wants you listening. She wants you sympathizing. She doesn't always want all the answers.

She wants you to understand. Understand as the weaker vessel. Sometimes I wondered about, I mean, it's in the Bible, so I can't deny it, but sometimes I wonder if women really are the weaker vessel because sometimes they can be very strong in a good way. But there are sides to femininity that are weaker than the male. And that is one reason why, by the way, God has made this wonderful relationship of marriage work so well.

Because what the one has, the other doesn't have. And they fit together, and you're a team. Okay? So, now not all women are more emotional than men. Some men are more emotional than women, but I'm talking as a general rule.

But the cognitive wiring of a man and the more affectionate emotional wiring of a woman. Actually, they make a good team when they're put together. This is God's design. And finally, love will cause a man to do everything in his power, the Puritans say, to protect his wife from all danger and harm which he sees threatening her. Women need to be protected.

Women appreciate that kind of protection. And I know this is out of fashion today, I know. Totally out of fashion, actually. But learn your wife's language of love. I have something inside of me, of course I'm 70 years old, so this has been built into me as a teenager.

I couldn't imagine walking down a street with my wife on the side of the traffic. I know it's crazy. You younger guys don't understand the world of what I'm talking about But I've got to be on the side by the traffic because I've got to protect my wife from danger Okay, and I still like opening the door to My wife to a vehicle. I don't do it all the time. I like to do it and she seems to respond well to it, too so It's a symbol.

It's a sign you want to protect her you want to care for her you want to you want to Keep her and that is important to a woman. It's part of that that tender that tender love All right Most importantly of all now is Not that I just need to also provide for my wife's needs physically and emotionally and and and financially but also I need to provide for her needs spiritually. And I would say that's the crowning element. And where that is there, a godly woman will respond to that and she'll appreciate your love in every other area as well. She needs to see in you a spiritual leader.

And if you're not doing family worship day by day, You're failing, brother, in a very critical area. And so I'm going to say to you again, get the family worship Bible guide that will help you, save you half an hour of preparing for family worship every day. And make sure you don't just read the Bible every day with your family. I trust you're all doing that. And don't just pray with them and don't just sing with them.

Bible commands all three of those, but it also commands you to talk to your family, to your wife diligently day by day about the Word of God that you read. And the Family Worship Bible Guide will do just that for you, it will give you the two major takeaways of the chapter you just read, and it will end with a question, and you just read it, that's all you've got to do, And your family begins to respond, and you ask that question, and then you say, what do you think of that son? What do you think of that daughter? And your wife jumps in, and you talk together about it. And in two years time, you'll be able to go through the entire Bible that way.

And you've talked about every subject under the sun because the Bible talks about every subject under the sun. And what a difference that makes. It's incredible. This is so important. To me, it's the most important duty of being a father and a husband.

I was assaulted in Latvia when I spoke once, and I was on the ground, they knocked me down, hit me in the face, they were, They had a knife in their hands. I gave them my wallet. I thought that's all they wanted. That wasn't true. They tied me up by my ankles, my wrist behind my back, gagged my mouth, and they kept shouting they were the Mafia.

And I knew, I knew, I knew I was a dead man. People had told me, if you're in the hands of the mafia, you're dead. And so, I'm laying on the ground for 45 minutes in that condition, and I'm thinking of all kinds of things. As long as I focused on Jesus, I was fine. I didn't think about myself.

I didn't even ask if I could live. I thought that was a done deal. I'm gone. My life's work is ended. I'm praying for my wife.

I'm praying for my kids. At one point in laying there on the ground, I actually had this thought, what would I say if I could have one more conversation with my children? What would I talk to them about? And not because I'm a great dad, actually if it weren't for family worship there would have been hundreds of things I'm afraid that I never would have talked to them about. But because of family worship, I honestly couldn't think of anything that we hadn't talked about, at least to some degree.

You see, that's what family worship gives you. It gives you an open door to talk to your children, to talk to your wife about everything, everything that's important in life. So you promote your wife's spiritual welfare by being a spiritual leader, not just to her, but also to your children. That also helps her spiritual welfare. And you keep her spiritual welfare in your mind's eye as a compass and as a rule, the Puritan said, for all that you do for her.

This is the crowning apex point. You're guiding her spiritually to glory through the Word of God, through family worship. Let me read just one paragraph from Greenham here. You, brother, must... This is Richard Greenham, an early Puritan.

You, brother, must learn hereby so to love your wife as Christ Jesus loved his spouse, his church. That is to say, even as our Savior Christ is very patient towards it and by little and little purges, washes and cleanses away the corruption of it, so much to you in like manner and all wisdom, use the means of family worship and with a patient mind wait for the amendment of anything that you shall find to be amiss in your wife that the graces of God's Spirit may daily increase in her. Therefore I charge you in the sight of God and his angels and as you will answer unto me and the parents of this my sister before the judgment seat of Christ that is you receive her a virgin from her parents so you neglect no duty whereby her salvation may be furthered that you may present her pure and blameless as much as in you lies unto Jesus Christ when he shall call you to account on the great day." And so when you love her, you lead her in piety, you lead her in charity, you lead her in wisdom, and you lead her in goodness.

And then Greenham goes on to say, no man is sufficient for these things. We all come short. But in Christ is all our sufficiency. Christ can help you do these things. But make sure that you do them at least outwardly and pray that inwardly you may do them effectively into the Spirit with blessed.

Now having said all that let me just briefly say that in the area of authority if you love your wife in this way tenderly, cheerfully and so on your authority will come through in ways that are palatable for her to receive. Ways that are palatable for her to receive. And Peter says in 1 Peter 3.7, that you're to live with her as a man of understanding according to knowledge. That's a wonderful phrase, a man of understanding according to knowledge. And if you do that, you see, and you understand what makes her tick, you understand the particular kind of personality she has, and you lead her according to knowledge, you'll find ways to exercise that authority toward her in a way that will not offend her but in a way that she'll really appreciate so that she actually appreciates your spiritual leadership.

So this means that you must renounce your own wisdom, abase yourself before God in recognition of your natural inability and incapacity to manage your marriage honorably before God without the grace of the Holy Spirit. You confess the bankruptcy of your own spiritual wisdom. You lean on the Holy Spirit. You ask him to teach you to lead you so that you may lead your wife as God would have you to do. So the big question in your mind as you exercise authority is what would God have me to do?

How would, if I were not in the picture, how would God lead my wife directly? That's how I am. I'm to lead her as God's ambassador to my wife. I'm to lead her as God would have me to lead her according to His Word and according to His glory. And that means that I must be a man of God, a man of God through and through, guided by God's word, filled with the Spirit, manifesting the holiness of the Spirit, and that Spirit, that Holy Spirit in me, hopefully I have a godly wife, she will recognize that, she will feel my authority is an authority of love and she'll receive it with heart and with soul.

So I need to feel my need to get more grace from God, to walk faithfully as a husband, and be worthy of my wife's esteem, my wife's submission, and Show her leadership that even God could look at and smile upon with approval because it's all biblical. Now William Waitley says that to do that we must, interestingly he says, we must shun and abandon three disgraceful evils that always cause a man to appear base and vile in the eyes of others. What do you think he picks? Bitterness, unthriftiness, surprising one, and levity, shallow kind of laughing lifestyle. You must walk with a godly sobriety.

You must never be bitter, and you must use your finances wisely. So, what is the purpose of all this authority business? What are you really aiming for? Here's the Puritan thinking. First of all, you're aiming for your wife's good and not for the lack of any good in her or any lack of good in her.

The woman is not a lesser or inferior person, writes Gooch, she is made in the same image of God as the man and is a joint heir with him of eternal life. But you're called to lead her for her good. So that's first, remember that. It's not just for God's glory as we've been talking all week, all week or all conference long, but also for her good. So, how do you do that?

Well, You do it in such a way that you speak with wisdom, wisdom from above, and you conform your authority to what you believe, and you can always face some surprises here, but what will be palatable to your wife's particular disposition. Now that's interesting, but think about it this way. How many of you here have two or more children and can honestly say all our children have the same personality. No hand going up, I know that. Your kids are so different you can't believe that they came from the same two parents.

Right? It's hard to believe. Why does God do that? Why are the personalities of our kids so different from each other? Well, I have my own idea.

I can't prove it from the Bible, but I think what God is doing is He's saying, I'm never going to get you in a position where you think you can parent. I'm going to keep you dependent on Me. And you need wisdom how to handle each child. Even disappointing a child. I had to discipline all three of our children differently because they all responded differently.

One worked for one, didn't work for another. But it's the same thing in marriage. You know, You have your particular personality. Your wife has to adjust herself to your personality. You have to adjust yourself to your wife's personality.

When you exercise authority, you need to feel how her disposition is responding to that, and how you can do it more effectively with her disposition. And to that end, you need the wisdom of God to understand that rightly. That's what the Puritans are saying. And as you seek to handle her disposition, however it may be, you could have a strong willed wife, you could have just a very kind, sweet, submissive wife by nature, but you must be careful not to exercise your authority in ways that will do more damage than good. That will be very hurtful to her.

And the Puritan said that means you don't micromanage trivial ways in consequential things as if his own hand needs to be at the helm, and your hand needs to be at the helm in every little matter in the home. We had some visitors in our home once, and when they left, there was a husband and wife, and the wife was helping my wife in the kitchen and her husband came in the kitchen, started telling both women what to do with the dishes and all kinds of stuff, how to load the dish. I mean it was bad and my wife came to me afterward and she said, I just appreciate you so much that you don't try to micromanage me in the kitchen. You know. No, I said, look, the kitchen is your domain.

I'm not very good at this stuff. This is your territory. You love it. You take it over. I'll help you.

Tell me what to do. That's it. You see. You don't micromanage. You don't have any business exercising authority in small areas of your wife's life or she's better at it than you are to begin with.

And also the Puritan said don't exercise authority in any unreasonable way that makes your wife feel like you're a hard dictator or you're exercising authority just to exercise your authority. That also doesn't work at all in a marriage. That will just work to stir up bitterness. So, the commanding part, listen to William Waitley, the commanding part of your government of authority over your wife should be rarely used, rarely used. A garment that comes upon a man's back every day, he writes, will soon be threadbare.

So will a man's authority be worn out with overmuch use. Wherefore, let it be kept in till due occasions of using it do call it forth. In other words, if you're walking around the home and telling your wife what to do every day something's wrong. Okay? Exercising authority is something that if you have a good relationship, you very seldom have to do with regard to a God-fearing wife.

But if you do have to do it, says Whately, you must do it with a spirit of Christ-like virtue of mildness and gentleness. Don't extend the use of commanding authority too far. Don't be rough and rude. Be mild and tender. That's the point.

And then, I'm almost done here. Okay, we talked already about how to criticize each other constructively so I skip over all of this. Yeah, I'm trying to wrap up because I know Scott wants to speak here too. Okay. Let me wrap up by saying this.

When your reproofs even are gentle as you exercise the authority and mild, You see, they'll be much, much more effective, much more effective than if you run roughshod over your wife's feelings. The husband must ever remember to use no more roughness than is fit to his own flesh. Ask how you would feel if your wife gave that stern look to you, those angry eyes to use, says William Whately, those threatening gestures to you. Rough language and overmuch heat in reproving, though the cause be never so just for which you are contending, will be like a good potion administered scalding hot. This will not be forced down.

She cannot take it in so hot, so rough, but she will belch it up in the face of him that gives it and the virtue of the whole matter will be utterly lost." Wow, what a graphic picture. So be wise men, be wise. Exercise your authority, do it with tenderness, do it with compassion, do it in the spirit of mildness and gentleness and just love your wife like crazy. Let's pray. Gracious God, we thank you so much for this time together, for the opportunity to speak about duties in marriage.

Please help us to follow scriptural patterns, to follow Ephesians 5, to follow 1 Peter 3, to follow Colossians 3, to follow scripture, and to experience as we learn to love our wives more and more and more, that marriage is a flower from paradise, that is a joyous spot on this earth that brings so much joy into our lives in a world that is so hostile, so anti-Christian, so obnoxious, so wicked. Lord, what a haven of rest a God-fearing marriage is. So help us as husbands and wives to do our respective duties as well as our mutual duties to the glory of God and to the good and joy of each other. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

All right. I just wanted to say just one quick minute at the end. I don't know what I did wrong when I offered this revival thing for $20 instead of 40, but I want you to know not many people ordered it, and this, you will really, really find this to be a blessing in your marriage, in your family, to walk through the history of revival and be stirred up for the need for revival today. So just a friendly reminder, my wife and I will be here afterward. And there's a couple of these left yet, Friends and lovers.

I think you all want to be good friends with your wife. And also the two other sets for you men especially to guide your families on systematic theology and brocco. Don't forget to pick them up if you really want wisdom to leading your families. Thank you very much. God bless you.