There is no such thing as a “failed” courtship, as God’s perfect will always prevails. Yet the aftermath of a courtship that does not end in marriage can be difficult. In this message, Mala will counsel young people on preparing for courtship, managing hopes, and dealing with the flood of emotions that follow a courtship that ends without marriage.

I want to start with something that Jason just alluded to regarding one of the ministries that we do and that's reaching out to university students around us where our church is. There is about eight to ten large campuses. We spend a lot of time doing ministry there. And so, in my message, I want to start there and I'll say a few things about that, our ministry. But the first few things that I want to say is how I'm going to end the sermon and so please pay close attention at the very beginning here and I would like to pray first and then we'll read our text.

Let us come before the Lord in prayer. Oh God and Father, we are so grateful for our Lord Jesus Christ, His obedience to you, submission, His desire, oh God, to bring honor to You and glory and willing to suffer that others like us might be saved. And Lord, I pray that this might be the spirit of this meeting this evening, that our desire will be the glory of Your name, the salvation Even of those we desire to marry, we pray and ask in your son's name. Amen. Turn to the Song of Solomon, chapter 2.

We'll be reading verses 1 through verse 7, Song of Solomon chapter 2. Song of Solomon chapter 2, 1 to 7, the words of our God, I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys. The beloved responds, like a lily among thorns is my love among the daughters. The bride responding, verse three, like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shed with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." The bride, the Shulamite, speaking to her Friends, verse 4, He brought me to the banqueting house and His banner over me was love.

Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." His left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me. Verse 7, I charge you, all daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the doors of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. Amen. Dealing with a failed courtship. As I said, we work with so many university students and I can't begin to think of how many times we've sat down with either a man or woman and sometimes this has been with married people where in the process we think we're trying to salvage a relationship that doesn't seem to work or a marriage that's falling apart.

And as we are counseling the two or as we're speaking to one of them, we're beginning to discover that there is a serious spiritual issue here. And instead of our meeting being about marriage, it turns out to be a sort of an evangelistic opportunity where we begin to counsel, to share the gospel, and probably to plead with one of them to turn to Christ. And sometimes it's just an opportunity as they deal with difficult situations, it's just an opportunity for us to see whether one is in Christ or not by the way they are responding in that situation. There's been many times where you speak to a young man and you're counseling and you're telling him that maybe this is not God's will for you. And he seems to really want to be in the courtship with that particular woman, and he's convinced that she's the one, and he really wants to be with her.

And just the desire and the way he is responding. And it seems to be this is the number one and the most important thing in his life. And at that point we begin to see that there must be an idol here. Could this be maybe God telling you that this is not the person you should be? Could this be that you are placing marriage where it shouldn't be?

And in all these difficult situations, we always end up at a place where our concern is now the soul of that man or that woman. And you will see this most of the times when a courtship doesn't end in probably meet our expectations. It can be very difficult, but it also is also an opportunity for us to see a man or woman's relationship with Christ based on their desire for marriage. This is where we will end our sermon 40 minutes from now. Someone is like, oh, we're done already.

No, not yet. One of the things that I would say is a shared conviction with many of us here is that marriage is just the primacy of marriage in God's purposes that many of us would amen would agree that God has a serious purpose with marriage and he's using it to advance his kingdom. This is something that many of us agree on. It's also something that has disappeared in our world today. You know how marriage is treated in our world, it's being destroyed.

It is a foundation to what you and I understand as society today. God gave it to us for that reason. Modern man denies that. The devil believes that marriage is important, that's why he hates it. He doesn't want marriages to flourish in our churches, in our society, in our communities.

Marriage is a unique relationship, a covenant between a man and his wife, a woman. You always have to say that these days. When you say a man and his wife, you have to be clear and say a woman. It exists for the glory of God. In marriage, if it's done right, if the two, a man and a woman, are seeking to do it in a way that honors God, it brings blessings in the lives of those two.

I also want to say that as, as Massage, we're saying marriage is so important, it's also good for us to keep reminding one another that marriage is not the most important relationship in our lives or in the world. Our relationship with Christ is. But, if marriage is not done right, it can really mess up your life. Amen? It's one of these relationships that If, for example, if you're talking to people that have struggled in marriage and probably are no longer together, these two can't go on to serve God and be happy in life as single people.

Maybe someone has lost a spouse. It doesn't mean it's over for them. They can go on in life. So it is not the end if one is single or one is not married. But when marriage is not done properly according to God's Word, it can really cause problems in one's life.

We also want, and this is why messages like this and what we heard just previously and what we'll be hearing tomorrow are important is that we also want in our pursuit for holiness we want to create churches that know how to guide young people in their pursuit for marriage. This is one of the most important things for me that I would like to see pastors, leaders, and church members do things and create an environment where those who desire to marry can flourish. Where if a courtship doesn't end in marriage, it's not over for the one who was seeking marriage, for those who are seeking marriage. You know, you can... We see this all the time.

A young man begins a courtship with a young woman, and the way the church is treating them is as if they're already married. And when it doesn't work, you almost feel like you should leave the church. We don't want a situation like that. We want to be in a church, in families, in situations where you can flourish within that courtship and should the Lord show you or should you see that this is not the person you should marry and that's the purpose of courtship, partly you can go on and not feel like you...not feel all this pressure that comes with people's expectations. Well, there is no such thing as a fellow courtship, isn't it?

Courtship says, we read in 1 Corinthians, love never fails. We need to add another chapter that says, courtship never fails. Courtship always works because the goal in courtship is to find out, to establish whether this would be the right person for you or not. That's the goal in courtship. And at times you will find out that this is not the man, this is not the woman you should marry.

And at times you will find out that this is the right person you should be with. So courtship never fails. But there are many times where you go into a courtship and you discover that this is not the person you should be with. Or one of them, maybe it's going on great, and one of them decides and changes their mind and, you know, they don't want it anymore. It can be difficult to move on.

So as we look at our text this evening, Song of Solomon chapter two, there are a number of things that I would like for us to consider. You pay attention to the way he opens chapter two, one to four. There is an exchange there going on, I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys, and then the beloved is responding to that. In verse 2, he says, like a lily among thorns is my love among the daughters. And then the bride, the Shulamite woman, is responding in verse 3, like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the songs." So they are declaring and expressing their love to each other.

It's a bride and a groom celebrating marriage, the intimacy and the gift that marriage is to mankind. It's a powerful poem, it's a powerful song of love and celebrating love. But in verse four, she changes her attention from addressing her groom. She begins to address her friends. She says in verse four, he brought me to the banqueting house and his Banner over me was love.

Verse 5, sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples for I am lovesick. And verse 6, his left hand is under my head and his right hand embraces me. In verse 7, which is where I want us to pay close attention, and she's still talking to her friends, she says, I charge you, all daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the dolls of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. There is a break in the song where she is focusing now in addressing her friends. Basically she is giving them a testimony, a testimony of her experience.

Here's what she has experienced in her relationship. And she says to them, if you are to experience the same things I have experienced, this kind of love, says I charge you, I adjure you, I warn you. She brings a challenge to them. Here is a charge to do courtship for the glory of God. She says, take heed.

We should take it seriously because she's saying, here's my experience. And she's already been speaking to them. This is four five and six. He brought me here's what he did for me He is my experience. He brought me to the banqueting house whether this was a wedding celebration She says and his banner or His banner over me was love.

He is the only thing you could see if you would look at us. Sustain me. He is feeding me. He is caring for me. And as you read this whole book, you will see this continual exchange, what he is doing for her and what she is doing for her.

And I would say that there is no book that best describes love between a man and a woman without all the baggage that we hear in the world than the song of Solomon. You want to understand what...because in our world today, it's as if there cannot be intimacy without defiling people's minds. Here is a book, pure, perfect, showing us what that looks like between a man and his wife without all the baggage we receive in our world today. She says, I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem. She illustrates with two types of animals there, by the gazelles and by the dolls of the field, by the deer, two animals that are gentle and innocent.

And she says, here's if you are going to approach them, whether you are a hunter or you're just an observer of these two animals, you will see that the gentleness, that the patience, and the innocence that these animals have. And she says genuine love cannot be rushed. This is why courtship is important. You want to understand. You want to know the other person.

You want to know, is this the right person for me to build a legacy? Will I be able to serve God and fulfill the purposes of marriage with this particular individual. I jar you, I charge you. It's as if she wants them to take an oath. Take an oath.

She judges them. She says, you need to exercise wisdom. If you are going to be where I am today, if you are going to have the same experience, it's an invitation to love, to the kind of love that a man shows to his wife, a wife to her husband. Says, you need wisdom, you need patience. Look at these animals.

You take an oath. You swear by these animals. You cannot rush the desire for love. And most of the times, courtship can be, when it doesn't wake out, can be painful because a young man is already ahead of himself. And for women, as we'll say a little bit more about this, is the temptation, fantasy, is probably your greatest weakness.

Already probably, you know, painted that house and you know the Carl of Catons you're gonna have. You can already see him sitting over there in your house and it's a done deal. I had something like that when I... Before I got married, I had a house. I'd set it up and I was thinking, wow, this is great.

You know, she's just gonna come in here and she's just gonna have fun and enjoy the house. Well, I'm color blind, so I had the wrong curtains, I had the wrong carpet, I had the wrong chairs, I had everything was wrong. She came and she threw away everything. Man, I was way ahead of myself. Well, what is the charge?

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles. What is the charge? Look at part B of that verse. Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. She sees that the preciousness, the experience that she has.

She says, I warn you, my friends, don't rush. If you're going to enjoy this union, if you're going to know something about genuine love, do not rush this thing. Isn't this what we do when we are preaching the gospel. It is that we have experienced something that Jesus has done, a work in our hearts has given us hope that we can look at this world and we can say, yes, we have been saved out of this world full of corruption that's perishing. We have hope in this life and in the life to come and we look at others and we invite them to the same pleasures that we have in Christ.

This is what this Shulamite woman is doing. She's inviting them to genuine love. She says, come. But if you are to come and experience this, you must be patient. You must be able to wait.

You must be wise. You must exercise caution. It says, do not stay up, laugh. Do not awaken love until it is the right time. And this is what you're doing in courtship.

Is this the right time? Even when it doesn't work, you're saying, is this the right time? Is this the right person I should be with? Yes, I badly want to be with this person, but is this the right person? Is this the right time?

What is God saying to me? I'd like to give us just five ways in which we can prepare, Not just to be able to deal with a failed courtship, but five ways in which we can prepare to deal with a failed courtship. And it could be that maybe it's not your experience, but I'm sure in your lifetime you will meet and come across either a son, a daughter, someone you know, a member of your church, a brother or sister, going through something like this, you want to be prepared to encourage them and to be a blessing to them. Here's number one, set out to honor your potential suitor. It says by the gazelles and the hind, that gentle and timid and shy animal, that innocent animal, you set out to honor your potential suitor.

It means that you will approach courtship with great patience and self-control. You cannot let your mind escape into some fantasy marriage in your mind with a person you're considering. Women, as I said, ought to guard against the danger of fantasy. For men is pride. It is pride.

And we see this all the time. There are questions that young people would ask us, and they will say, when is the right time for a woman to begin to sort of show signs of submission in relation to the man that she's courting. When is the right time for a young man to begin to show signs of leadership towards the woman that he is courting? We have dealt with situations on college campuses where a young man is demanding that she submits to him in Kotsha. Every time I say to them, I say, if I ever hear you say that, I will punch you.

How dare you expect her to submit to you in courtship? She has a dad to submit to. If you want to know, will she be submissive, Go to her church and watch and see the way she relates with her leadership. Go to her home and watch and see how she relates with her dad. Same thing if you are wondering, will he be the kind of a leader in the home that I'm thinking, go to his church and see how he serves in his church?

Is he submitted to his elders in his church? Chances are if he's not submitted in that church, if he's proud, always critical in criticizing the leadership and doing all these things as if he was something, chances are he will be abusive in that marriage. He can't lead if he hasn't learned how to submit. So set out to honor your potential suit. Don't demand things that only belong in marriage.

Men should not come into this with a self-entitled mentality. They should come in with humility, humble, knowing that this person that I'm pursuing, this person I want to be with is an heir, will be an heir of the grace of life together with me. Set out to honor. Even when that courtship hasn't worked, you can walk away with a clean conscience knowing that, yes, it didn't work, it didn't work out, but I honored these young women. You get the sense in this text of this admiration, this love, this great honor and respect and purity in the way they address one another.

You set out to honor. You're seeking, and we talk about this all the time in our circles, you're seeking to honor the father, you're seeking to honor the mother, all the young women, but you set out to honor her as well. Secondly, watch out for excessive optimism regarding marriage. She says here, do not awaken love. Do not stay up, no.

Awaken love until the right time, until it pleases. The violent passions of love must be contained. So watch out for excessive optimism regarding marriage. If these are not under control, if a man is not exercising self-control, he will find himself filled with thoughts of lust. But also, when he doesn't wake out, that can turn into bitterness.

You have young men who are angry, upset because their courtship didn't wake out, they prayed about it, they asked the Lord, they did all the right things, and he didn't wake out. And because there was this excessive optimism that I want to get married, this is the thing for me." All that turns into bitterness towards God. You see, you can... There will be things like you coming up to a father and a father saying, no. A courtship, maybe that's been going on for three, four months.

The young lady says, you know what, I don't think I've changed my mind. I don't think this is the direction I'd like to go. All of that, if you have this excessive desire to marry and it's not under control, will breed a lot of bitterness in your heart. So guard your heart against this. Courtship is so important because the concept itself acknowledges that God is sovereign even over who you marry.

The concept itself, that's what it's about. It's about acknowledging God's sovereignty. It's about saying God is indeed in control even over my marriage and my desire to marry. When we practice kotsop we are sanctifying God. We are acknowledging Him.

The Bible says houses and riches are from the fathers but a prudent wife is from who? From the Lord. So the patience, the waiting on God, All of that speaks about God's timing. I want this to be God's timing. I'm acknowledging God's hand in my courtship.

And this is what courtship is about. These slow steps that you take, these are steps of faith. They are steps of faith. Is this the right person? You are inquiring, you are finding out, you are talking to people, you are seeking counsel.

All of those are steps of faith. You are saying this is beyond me. I am not in control here. God is. There is nothing, there are very few things that demonstrates this concept of waiting on God than culture.

Talk to guys in their 30s, women in their 30s and 40s desiring to marry. Just how difficult to come up with that faith to continue to wait and trust on the Lord that even in my 30s and my 40s, in my 50s, He will bring someone for me. These are steps of faith, acknowledging Him, sanctifying Him, giving Him the glory, bringing all the attributes of God to bear. Slow faith steps while asking the right questions. We acknowledge that God is good.

The opposite of that is dishonoring to God and saying, yes, He's good, but He's failing to provide for me a spouse. We acknowledge that He's good and He's a giver of good things. We trust Him to bring these good things towards us, including a spouse. And so even when a courtship hasn't worked out, you can still look to God and say maybe this is not the situation for me, I can still wait on this God. This is the difference between how the world go about finding a spouse and how Christians go about finding a spouse.

A spouse. So acknowledge, acknowledge that God is sovereign. Fourthly, build and develop for yourself, and probably this is one of the most important things and reading the Song of Solomon you can see that these two had a big vision of marriage. And so develop a big vision of marriage for yourself. This will be comforting when a courtship has not worked out for you.

Marriage is designed by God to serve greater purposes, beyond our needs. Beyond our needs. God designed it to be a picture of Christ's love for His church. And so develop for yourself a big vision And great understanding of the marriage relationship. Some of the lessons you will learn that a failed courtship would teach you is surrender.

But where else do you learn to surrender and to submit? It's in marriage. It's probably the first lesson in marriage. Day one. I do, I do, I do, I do.

Day one, submission. Surrender. Yeah, you need to take this turn. Oh no, there's a second turn over there. No, you need to take this turn.

Oh, there's another one over there. Sweetheart, I've been through this road. I know. No, you need, you need, you need, you need, you need, you need, you need, you need. Before you know it, two hours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Submission. Surrender. And these are things you're learning in courtship. If it doesn't work, I can submit to God.

I can surrender to God. I can say, yes, this is His will. This is why it has not worked. Maybe there's something else for me. Marriage is the house of sanctification.

We need to get that. It's the house of sanctification. It doesn't matter how saintly we are. When I was before I got married I thought I was a saint. You can ask Scott, you can ask Jason, they would come and they would say, man, you are such a saint.

And I said, Amen, I am a saint. Then I got married. I found out how close to hell I was. This is the place where you're sanctified, where you learn a lot about yourself, not just about your spouse. And the quicker you can learn this in courtship, even when a courtship hasn't worked out, where you're quickly submitting to God and saying, God, I'm going to give this to you.

If it hasn't worked out, it's probably your will and I will wait on you." You're a bit off learning these things way before you get married. Kent Hughes says, marriage is a call to die to self. That's what it is. Develop a big vision, a big theology of marriage for yourself. Marriage is a call to die to self.

Christian marriage vows the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are. Is this a grim, gallows call? Not at all. It is no more grim than dying to self and following Christ. This is the school of sanctification, of discipleship.

He continues to say, In fact, those who lovingly die for their spouses are those who know the most joy, have the most fulfilling marriages, and experience the most love. See, marriage is a test of maturity. It will try you, it will test you whether you are truly mature or not. Before I got married, I thought I was so mature. I thought I was a man, I was so mature.

I found myself getting upset at every little thing and embarrassing myself. The first Timothy chapter 3 says, yes you're thinking about elders, give them marriage, try them out. Marriage is a test of maturity, but a fellow courtship does the same. It tests how mature you are, whether you are ready for marriage. And it's what this, this, this woman is saying, don't do it until it pleases, until you're ready, until the right time.

I used to think that it was only in the African context where men with these tribal beliefs thought themselves as these kings who would marry, maybe even marry more wives so that those wives can just serve them and do things for them, you know, and so they can just sit and hang around at home. But I also discovered that even the West has some men in the West have the same mentality. You're married so she can serve you. But the Christian man is one who marries so he can serve his wife. Jesus says, let him paraphrase, who thinks he's a leader, have the biggest towel around his waist.

So the leader in the home, he is the guy who has, is the person who has the largest towel around his waist, waiting to wash the feet of those in his home. A marriage will teach you that very quickly. And so is a courtship that hasn't worked. You need to be asking yourself, am I ready to lead? What is leadership?

Am I ready to serve? Am I ready to wrap around my waist a big towel, bigger than everyone else's in the home, and wash the feet of those I love. Am I ready to do that? If it hasn't worked, maybe I'm not ready to do that. Maybe God is wanting me to wait a little longer.

Maybe God wants to teach me some things about myself. Can I take something that I had hopes that it would work that hasn't worked? Can I take it and accept it and walk in submission before God? Can I be able to do that? We've dealt with a number of situations, and one of them was, this wasn't in our church, but was someone we knew and counseled a little bit.

When she, he really wanted to marry her so bad. When she broke off the courtship, at some point she got to a stage where she thought maybe This is not the person I should be with. She just wasn't sure and She ended that courtship He was admitted for three days We went to see him in the hospital. He couldn't take the no. He couldn't take that rejection.

He couldn't take it. He couldn't handle it. He wanted it so bad. You know what we learned there? We are learning more about him and his heart than we are learning about courtship and about marriage.

We are learning a lot about him and his love for God, is he looking at marriage as something that will enable him to serve the Lord? Is he looking at marriage as something that will enable him to advance God's purposes in this life? Or is looking at marriage as something that will serve him and him alone. Marriage will provide these opportunities to serve God, to advance His kingdom, to have children if the Lord wills and raise those children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, to send them out so they can proclaim the glories of the gospel as you are being burdened with a courtship that didn't work, are you burdened that here is an opportunity missed for me to enter into this institution and be able to participate in the furtherance of the gospel, or you're more concerned with how it would have served your failed needs. And don't get me wrong, there's so many things that satisfy us in the moment in marriage.

Yes, praise the Lord for those things. He's a giver of good things. But there is a higher goal, there is a higher purpose with marriage, and that is to advance the kingdom of Christ through that holy institution. Pray with me. Oh, God and Father, we come before your throne of grace.

We thank you that indeed you are the giver of good things, that you've given us marriage as a gift, oh Lord, to remind us, to teach us of your love for us. Lord, I do pray that you would help us all God to be churches, to be a people that are a blessing towards those whose courtships might not have worked out as they planned. We pray that, Lord, You would humble, You would give us grace, O Lord, You'd make us to be wise, to be patient, to be men and women full of self-control. God, I pray that You would bless those who are praying and those who are desiring to get married that Lord they may come into this relationship prepared, oh God, at the right time, fully submitted to your will. Pray that you would give us grace in Jesus name, amen.