In this sermon, Scott Brown discusses the importance of learning how to have tough conversations. He emphasizes that effective communication is vital in marriages and other relationships, and that speaking biblically can be challenging when dealing with controversial subjects. Brown provides examples of harmful communication patterns and offers 13 behaviors to improve difficult conversations. He also outlines six checkpoints for confronting someone who has fallen into a trespass. The sermon emphasizes the need for a spirit of gentleness, self-awareness, and a focus on biblical objectives in order to have productive and fruitful conversations.

Proverbs 18-21, life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Let's pray. Father, teach us to communicate in ways that please you. Amen. So one of the most important things that you'll ever do is to learn how to talk.

One of my observations over the years is that the couples that have problems in their marriage, they never learned how to talk. They never learned how to have a difficult conversation And they didn't learn how to listen they learned how to do all kinds of other things but not the things that were Characteristic of healthy conversations, it's it's difficult to speak Biblically if I can use that language when there are controversial subjects to talk about, when there are pivotal relationships, when there are strong opinions, and there are important outcomes. Those are the kind of difficult conversations we're talking about. And of course, there's plenty to disagree about. We all grew up different.

We had all kinds of thoughts going into marriage. Also, convictions can change over time. And children change. They begin to think differently than their parents. And sometimes some of the most difficult conversations you have might be with your children who are undergoing various kinds of changes.

I actually wrote this book that I referred to really because of young people growing up in their parents' homes and their parents having difficulty having profitable conversations and also with marriages because it it's just so characteristic that marriages can be rocky because of communication patterns but talking is how we get through disagreements. Talking is how we express strong opinions. Talking is how we share our concerns. I was just in the burger shop down in Wake Forest, and a mom was obviously with her young daughter. Oh, she had a scowly face on her.

Oh boy, this girl was in trouble. But you know, this mother was sharing her concerns with her daughter, and it wasn't pretty. Talking is how we make plans. Talking is how we change the course of our lives, which means there's a lot in play. So getting a handle on your speech is really, really important.

James says that the tongue is like a rudder. A rudder determines the direction of a ship. The tongue actually will determine the course of your life and the direction that you go in your relationship. The tongue is going to take you somewhere. He also calls the tongue a fire.

The tongue can burn the house down and burn all kinds of things around it. And you know, left in its original form of sin, it can spew forth deadly poison. James calls the tongue full of deadly poison. So that's the big issue. There are two big traps when it comes to speaking, two extremes.

And the first extreme comes from modern psychotherapy. The modern therapeutic culture encourages you to tell all, say everything you feel, let it all hang out. This is a disastrous council for people Because everything in your heart isn't profitable. Everything in your heart isn't holy. So to say that you should say whatever you want is such a misrepresentation of the fallenness of the human soul.

Everything is not worthy to be expressed. Proverbs 29, 11 says, a fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. So the idea that you should share all is really very unbiblical. Proverbs 15 28 says the heart of the righteous studies how to answer. In other words, it doesn't just blurt out everything in the heart, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil." So you know that it's critical that we understand that on the one hand we don't follow the therapeutic culture and the other trap is is just as dangerous and that is silence, withdrawal, refusal to talk, refusal to actually engage in a difficult conversation.

That's another disastrous trap as well. Well, I'm here to say that scripture is sufficient to help you learn how to talk, and God teaches us how to talk in his word, and The doctrine of the sufficiency of scripture tells you that he's given you everything pertaining to life and godliness, and that includes difficult conversations with high stakes outcomes. So let's talk first of all about the preeminent motive of any conversation. You know, many people want to acquire self-help techniques to learn how to have better conversation, to be better communicators. There are all kinds of nifty tips.

There are YouTube influencers that can tell you how to talk. And you can learn how to have smoother relationships by following advice. You can learn how to be more successful by the words that you use in business. You can talk in such a way so you can get your way more often. You can learn how to talk in such a way that you'll flatter people so that you'll find headway in that relationship.

You can learn how to talk for your own self-engrandizement, so you're a winner in your conversations. And you know, smooth talk, earthly smooth talk can get you all those outcomes. But that's not the goal of Christian speech. To teach clever strategies of speech is not what I'm talking about when I'm talking about the sufficiency of scripture for learning how to talk. You know, as Christians, we want to glorify God in our words, with our bodies, to present our tongues, every part of our lives as living and holy sacrifices acceptable to God, to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ when we speak, to do what David said, let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer.

That's the kind of talk we're dealing with. Not the kind of talk that you learn to manipulate people or to become thought of as such a wonderful person, but the supreme motive for the Christian in learning how to talk is to become like Christ. And nothing more will do. There's no higher motive. We were created so that in all things Christ might have the preeminence.

So that in our speech Christ might have the preeminence. You might recognize what I just said as a theme of what everybody has spoken of here. Steve was running this theme. It's not so much what you think is what God thinks in all of what you do. So our chief motive should be to become like Christ that he might be preeminent.

Learning how to talk is the fruit though of learning how to love in a biblical way. The world defines love in ways that are unprofitable, ungodly, but God defines love. Jason just was reading us from 1st Corinthians 13. There's God's definition of love and it's written in all kinds of places. I want to give you 19 harmful patterns of communication.

Are you ready? 19 harmful patterns of communication. I have I have performed all of these at one point or another. But if you want to sabotage a good conversation, I'm here to teach you how to do it. Number one, interrupt the other person mid-sentence.

Interrupt the other person mid-sentence. Number two, abruptly contradict them. Number three, presume you understand what they are saying. By the way, if you want these, I'll just send them to you. You don't have to write them all down.

You're not going to be able to keep up with me probably. Number four, Focus on winning, winning the argument. When you've focused on winning, you've already lost. Number five, make threats. Number six, name call, rather than actually address the issues that are on the table.

Number seven, discredit rather than evaluate the differences of opinion. Number eight, label and objectify rather than actually deal with the real concern. Number nine, blame. Blame them, Blame others, but don't take responsibility. Number 10, give them the cold shoulder.

Number 11, give them the silent treatment. Number 12, act with aggression. Number 13, withdraw in sullenness. Number 14, hurl insults. Number 15, exaggerate.

Number 16, take cheap shots. Number 17, overshare. Overshare. Saying too much. Number 18, walk out in the middle of a conversation.

Number 19, just lie. Just lie about your part in it. So those are 19 really harmful communication qualities. And unfortunately, probably most of us have participated in one or more or all of these things. But is this how you want to talk?

Is this the kind of conversation you want to have? Because at the bottom of all those unprofitable conversation qualities is some underlying sin of pride or self-centeredness or lack of self-control. It might be hatred, misrepresentation, narcissism. Those are the kinds of underlying sins that drive those 19 unprofitable sinful communication patterns. But we don't want to stop there.

We want to not only put off the works of the flesh, but we put on the works of the Spirit. So I'm going to give you 13 behaviors. 13 behaviors to sweeten difficult conversations. I'm just assuming you're going to have difficult conversations, but how do you have them so that they actually have the aroma of Jesus Christ? So The first is prepare your heart.

If you're going to have a consequential, tough conversation, the first thing that you should do is prepare your heart. Get your heart ready. Know that your heart will always determine your speech and your motives will be reflected in what you say. Jesus Christ says it like this in Matthew 12 34, for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.

And that's why Solomon said in Proverbs 423, keep your heart with all diligence for out of it are the springs of life. So, so the first behavior is prepare your heart. You know, people used to say count to ten before you shoot your mouth off. This is one way to sort of prepare your heart. Count to 10, count to 20, count to 250.

Whatever it takes to get your heart in a right frame. Number two, be on a mission to bless. Be on a mission to bless. Be on a mission to bless. I'm basing this on 1 Peter chapter 3 verses 8 and 9 that you were created for a blessing.

But when you are engaging in a difficult conversation, a tough conversation, a consequential conversation that's high stakes, it's like going into a battle. And when you go into a battle, you better understand your mission. You need to understand what your objectives are in your mission. And establish those objectives. If you don't establish the objectives, you're going to have what people call mission creep, and you get diverted.

But hard conversations can be like little battles, and they ought to have clearly defined objectives. And the objective should not be to score a victory. Understanding, reconciliation, love, These are the mission objectives of a conversation. Pummelling the other party always jettisons conversations that are helpful. 1 Peter 3, 8, finally all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another, love as brothers, be tender-hearted and courteous, not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this that you may inherit a Blessing this is one of the wonderful things that we can give to other people blessing so Beyond a mission to bless number three be judicious with your words.

Be judicious with your words. Proverbs 15 2. This is a contradiction to the idea of you should just get it all out. You know, say it, say it all. Proverbs 13-16.

Every prudent man acts with knowledge, but a fool lays open his folly. Proverbs 10-19. In the multitude of words, sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. Proverbs 15-28, the heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable but the mouth of the wicked what is perverse.

Proverbs 10 32. So be judicious with your words And be careful with your words. This is a very difficult, a difficult thing. There was someone that just recently, actually today was telling me he was having a conversation with his wife. And he was talking about just the difficulties of life and child raising.

And he used the word burden connected with his family. And his wife said, oh, so you think that our family's a burden to you, right? And well, he used the wrong word. You know, we use wrong words. I use wrong words all the time.

But we have to be patient with one another in our words. But we have to be careful in using our words. There's this remarkable statement in the book of Isaiah for people who make you an offender by a word. We take one word and then we discredit everything. But we're all like that.

We all do that. And so we have to be careful with our words. Be judicious with your words. Number four, prepare to listen. Prepare to listen.

James 1.19. Good communication always starts with good understanding, and we often bypass good understanding because we're not taking time to listen. James says, let every man be swift to hear and slow to speak and slow to wrath. James 1.19. And you know, God gave us one mouth and two ears for a reason.

And when we listen, we're learning. When we listen, we're discerning. And good understanding is impossible without listening. When we listen, We can learn to sympathize. We can hear more of the story.

You know listening is so important. One of the problems today is that There are so many distractions to listening. If you're having a consequential conversation and you're always looking at your phone, you're jettisoning listening. And it's actually very offensive. And eliminating distractions is really critical when you're having a consequential conversation.

Eliminate distractions. Multitasking is a conversation killer. Number five, don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Proverbs 18 13.

Proverbs 18 13, which says, he who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him. When we are in almost any conversation, we always want to jump in and interrupt and give our piece of the action. But interrupting is a disaster in any conversation, but particularly it's a disaster in a consequential conversation. James kind of level, you know, lowers the boom on this when he says, if anyone among you thinks he is righteous, religious, and does not bridle his tongue, this one's religion is useless. So Solomon said, you see a man hasty in his words?

There's more hope for a fool than for him. So interrupting is a disaster. But listening is a blessing Number six ask questions Proverbs 20 verse 5 ask questions Solomon says that counsel is in the heart Council in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. And you draw it out by asking questions. Drawing the other person out shows that you're trying to understand what they're saying.

Let's just say they use a word that sets you off. You might want to say, what did you mean by that? Because they probably didn't mean what you thought they meant. And it's always really helpful to have somebody ask, what did you mean by that? And this has to do with living, as husbands, living with your wives with understanding, as 1 Peter 3.7 tells us to do.

Living with your wife in an understanding way means that you're asking her the background of what she's thinking and how she's feeling. So learn to ask questions. Proverbs 18, 2, a fool has no delight in understanding, but only in expressing his own heart. You know, it's helpful when in conversation you say, what did you mean by that? Or tell me more.

When you use that word, could you explain how you meant it? Can you give me an example of that? I'm slow. Can you give that to me in a different way? One more time, help me to get this right.

Those are the kinds of things that actually cause understanding. Years and years ago, Deborah and I heard a Christian counselor talk about how to help couples talk in pastoral counseling because sometimes, you know, there can be, those can be difficult if you have a husband or wife, you know, contrary to one another. And he, what he said is his, his experience was couples that are in trouble don't know how to talk. So how do they control themselves? So what he does is he gives one couple a tennis ball, one person a tennis ball, and that person has the platform to talk.

The other person cannot talk until they are given the tennis ball. So they get to talk as long as they want and then when they're done they pass the tennis ball to their partner. But the partner cannot talk until the partner has explained what he or she heard. So the conversation doesn't advance until the other person has understood. And then the conversation can go back and forth.

That just provides discipline and control in souls that have not had discipline and not had control over their tongues. And it gives them a structure to learn actually how to listen and how to talk. Number seven, monitor your tone. 1st Timothy 416, take heed to yourself and to your doctrine. Speaking with a bad tone is another conversation killer.

Tone matters. Tone is not neutral. Researchers tell us that tone communicates even more than words. So watch your tone. You know, when the tone gets hot, the communication usually slows down and becomes actually unprofitable.

So it's not just what we say, but it's actually how we say it. And we often have to learn how to say things when a spirit of gentleness to, to take on the disposition of Jesus Christ, who said, I'm gentle and humble in heart, and you shall find rest for your souls. So, you know, Solomon says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger and so you know that your tongue the harshness of a word is inflammatory And then Solomon says in Proverbs 15 2 he says, the tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly. In other words, you have knowledge, you hear something, there's something going on, you've got knowledge, but the tongue of the wise uses that knowledge wisely, but fools pour forth foolishness. So you're having this subject, this consequential conversation, you have knowledge, but how are you using the knowledge?

And your tone has a lot to do with how you use the knowledge. And you can have angry tones, poppish tones. There's sort of a prideful tone that we often speak from. There's a condescending tone. There's a belittling tone.

There's a harsh tone. There's a dismissive tone. There's an irritated tone. There's a rushed tone. All these, all these drive communication, you know, even far beyond words.

Number eight, control your body language. Control your body language. Ecclesiastes 8.1. Lots is communicated through body language. Proverbs 25.23 talks about an angry countenance.

That's the angry look on the face like I saw in the restaurant this last week. We're called to glorify God in our bodies, and that does have implications on our body language. And so the bottom line is that we're not free to use our bodies in any way we please. We're here to please the Lord with our bodies, to glorify God with our bodies. But often, there's a dismissive body language.

There's a generation, oh how lofty are their eyes, that's body language, and their eyelids are lifted up. The evil man winks with his eyes and shuffles his feet. He points his fingers, Proverbs 16 13. In Zechariah, the evil man shrugs his shoulders. So there's all kinds of body language that is really harmful and unprofitable.

So watch your body language. Number nine, don't compare. Don't compare. We hear another person tell a story and then we immediately say oh yes I know exactly what you're talking about that happened to me that happened to me so many times in other words you're always comparing and but maybe the comparison is not exactly right because you don't know everything about what's being communicated. When comparing begins, often listening has ended.

Number ten, Don't harp. Don't harp. You know what harping is. Harping is just continually dripping, continually saying the same thing over and over again. And It can include repeating your point over and over again.

It can include rehearsing old offenses. You know, 10 years ago on October 22nd, you said this, you know, rehearsing. It's like you become a broken record. You can't let things lie. You can't let the past go by.

That's harping. And how do you cure it? Well, love suffers long and is kind. Love is patient. Love bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends. Proverbs 17.9. So don't harp. Number 11, don't use inflammatory language as default expressions, Proverbs 17.14. Beware of reliance on old phrases that you've used since you were 12 years old.

And, you know, old phrases like, oh, come on, Give me a break. Are you serious? You know, we have these things that we say. We're just broken. What?

You know, things like this. Those things just wreck conversations. See how great a forest, a little fire kindles, and the tongue is a fire. A world of iniquity. You're just pouring gas on fires when you use inflammatory default Expressions that you just got used to you know maybe you should just think about this.

Are there some of those expressions you need to ditch and stop using them? You've used them your whole life. Is it time to stop? It might help actually. Number 12, don't project outcomes.

Don't project outcomes. Proverbs 3, 5, and 6. We often think wrongly that if we have an honest discussion, it's going to destroy the relationship. And we project outcomes. So we don't we don't talk about the things we should talk about because we're so worried about the outcome.

But if you if you engage a godly conversation in a godly way, you know, God is God is the God of all the outcomes. And often we think things like, well, he's just not gonna listen. He says, it's always been this way. Really? So you're sovereign.

You are omniscient. You know everything about what's gonna happen, don't you? You know the history of the world from here on out. But what you've actually done is you've just locked someone into a prison where redemption and change can't happen. And that's really bad.

God does redeem. God does heal relationships. And that we should have faith in that. And then number 13, Focus on the best biblical objectives. You know, objectives like love, objectives like truth, objectives like reconciliation, objectives like patience.

You know, put that as an objective. Like you're willing to go into this conversation and be patient even though it doesn't get resolved today or tomorrow or the next day because God called you to patience and by the way has God been patient with you? Absolutely. This is the the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. There's this progressive, patient sanctification that God's working with us.

We're not everything we want to be And God has to be very patient with us to keep us. And he does keep us. And he does promise that he will never leave us or forsake us. So focus on the best biblical objectives. Okay.

I want to just finally, I want to talk about how to correct your spouse, how to confront your spouse. This is a really critical matter. Is it legitimate for a wife to correct her husband? Is it legitimate for a husband to correct his wife? Of course, but only under certain conditions.

And I would like to give you some of those conditions and I'm going to turn to Galatians chapter 6 1 through 3. Here you have the conditions that apply when someone has fallen into a trespass, into a transgression. There is a way that you deal with someone who's fallen into a trespass. God regulates your behavior when someone you know in the church, in the home, your friend falls into a trespass. So I'm going to give that to you from Galatians 6.

I'll read the text and I'm going to give you a six-point checklist from this text. In other words, don't confront, don't correct without going through the checklist. Don't just run into it headlong, okay? Brethren, If a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

For if anyone thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Okay, a six point heart check. Check point number one. Are you spiritually minded or earthly minded? He begins with you who are spiritual.

He's talking about having your spirit right in engaging this conversation. Is your mind filled up with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding? That's Colossians 1 9. And so are you spiritual? Are you filled with the Spirit of God or are you filled with the deeds of the flesh?

Are your objectives wrong? Are you ready to rumble in fleshly ways or are you spiritual? Have you gotten your spirit under control of the Holy Spirit? So don't confront until you are spiritual. Number two, are you pursuing the right objective?

If anyone is spiritual, let him restore. That's the objective. Set the right objective. You are on a restoration mission, not a bombing mission. You're not there to nail the person.

You're there to restore the person. And there's a tremendous difference in the two when someone has fallen into transgression. The word restore that the Apostle uses speaks of putting a dislocated limb back in place. It's also used to fishermen mending nets. It's the same word that the apostle Paul uses for the equipping of the saints.

It's mending, it's putting things back together. Are you there to help put things back together when someone is overtaken in a trespass? The third checkpoint, are you operating in a spirit of gentleness? He says, he says it very very clearly here, he says if anyone man is taken over in a trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. So are you going into this conversation in a spirit of gentleness?

You know the Lord Jesus Christ was gentle and lowly in heart. We know that a soft answer turns away wrath, that gentleness is powerful. The Bible says, or David says, your gentleness has made me great. And you know, gentleness is really critical. Have you entered into a spirit of gentleness?

If you're going to crack your spouse, don't do it if you're not going to have a spirit of gentleness. You're not qualified. You disqualified yourself from the confrontation. Number four. Are you recognizing your own shortcomings?

Paul says, consider yourself lest you also be tempted. Consider yourself. Are you recognizing your own shortcomings? This has to do with self-awareness. Here's the problem with somebody else's sin.

We've usually done the same thing. Sometimes worse. Sometimes we recognize the sin because we're worse in it. It's just a fact of life. Everybody knows that.

And acknowledging that you too are a sinner, acknowledging that you too have sinned in this, at least in this general category. You have maybe not the exact sin, but are you searching your own heart for your own sin, or are you just pointing your finger? Are you just trying to nail them? Are you actually looking to yourself? You know how it goes.

Whenever you point your finger, there are always three fingers pointing back at you. That's so true. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and do not consider the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, Let me remove the speck from your eye and look a plank is in your own eye. Hypocrite, first remove the plank from your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

So number four, are you recognizing your own shortcomings? Consider yourself, lest you also be tempted. And then number five, are you prepared to keep bearing the burden? Are you prepared, as you go into this conversation, to continue to bear the burden? Paul says, bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

That's the next phrase in this sequence. Are you willing to wear the, bear the weight of your brother or your sister? How long are you willing to bear it? Are you just all about quick results? Are you just looking for a snap back change?

We usually like to get everything resolved right now, but guess what? Life isn't always like that and people often don't respond immediately. Sometimes it takes time. Usually it takes time. Often it takes time for somebody to actually repent carefully enough to know that you they've actually Repented.

You find this in church discipline. Pastors know this. You know, it often takes time for somebody to fully repent. Like it can take months. You can confront them.

And then as it continues to dawn on them, they begin to repent more fully. That's just the way it is. But are you prepared to keep bearing the burden? He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows, Isaiah 53.4. That's what Jesus Christ has done.

The Lord Jesus bears the burden of our sin every day and doesn't it make sense that we would enter into a conversation intentionally to bear to continue to bear the burden if it's needed to be born for a long time. Checkpoint number six. Are you self-effacing or condescending? Are you self-effacing or condescending? He says if anyone thinks of himself to be something when he is nothing he deceives himself.

That's verse 3 in Galatians 6. Condescending. Thinking that you are just so together, thinking that you are so holy, so pure, so clean, or are you selfie facing? Do you think you're better and wiser than that other person who's been overtaken in a trespass, Galatians 6.1? A spirit of superiority is a reconciliation killer in a conversation.

And it's practiced by young and old. So here's the conclusion. Learning how to talk is a lifelong challenge. We're still in the midst of it. And I know this to be true from personal experience.

You know, over the course of my life, I've demonstrated lack of wisdom in matters of reconciliation. And I grieve over that, the wrong use of my tongue, the use of wrong words and things like that. Matthew Henry says this, those that speak too much seldom think they have said enough, and when the mouth is opened in passion the ear is shut to reason. But the good news is God teaches you how to speak so I've just given you six checkpoints out of Galatians 6, 1 through 3. Let's pray.

Father, thank you for teaching us how to do all things according to your will, your wonderful will, in your beautiful kingdom. Lord, your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.