Most men are called to marry. While many have wrongly minimized this point, marriage is normative. But it is also risky. As Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.” With this understood, how can men make a plan, evaluate, and choose a spouse wisely? And how can fathers help their sons marry well? Bradley Pierce will discuss these key questions, and more, in this practical message on finding a wife. 

Jeremiah 29 for this is the theme verse for this conference thus says the Lord of hosts the God of Israel to all who were carried away captive whom I have caused to be carried away from Jerusalem to Babylon build houses and dwell in them plant gardens and eat their fruit take wives and beget sons and daughters, and take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands so that they may bear sons and daughters, that you may be increased there and not diminished. My wife and I have been married now, my wife Cindy and I have been married for 15 years and it just gets better every day. It just gets better every day And I wanted to give this talk because I want you men to have what I have, which is a wonderful marriage. I want you to have a rich, abundant, joyful marriage. I want you to have a marriage that glorifies God by beautifully illustrating that picture of Christ and this church.

You loving her, her loving you, you laying down your life for her, her respecting and obeying you, and you, the two of you being one with one another. That's wonderful. Wonderful. I want God bringing godly offspring through you, if he so wills. I wanna see my unmarried brothers taking wives, begetting sons and daughters, taking wives for their sons, giving their daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters, that the people of God may be increased here and not diminished." I want you to have all that.

I want you to have that. I can't guarantee that you will, even if you get married. I cannot guarantee you that it will work out that way. Marriage is risky. There is a risk that comes along with it.

The primary risk is based upon who you are and who you marry. So we're going to be talking about the latter of those today, although we can do a whole talk about manhood and who you should be as husbands and all that. And there's many people that have done those talks and you've probably heard those. But today we're going to be focusing on whom you marry. Before I get into that, let me make a few points about what this talk is and what it is not.

First, this talk is directed toward men, unmarried men or boys who are soon to be men. I'm probably gonna be referring to you as young men but there may be 50 year old you know men who are unmarried and if you are by the way come talk to me afterwards because I know some like 40 something ladies that anyways. It was Talking to men unmarried men and their fathers and their fathers here or Sometimes perhaps father figures men who may be operating in a mentor role or helping men marry well. Ladies that are here, you are very welcome to stay here. This talk is for men.

I'm talking to men here. Men are different than women, so I'm going to talk to just, I'm talking man to man here. And so it may not be, you know, again, it's talk to men. As good as it would be, this is not a talk about what men must be. You know, you may walk out of here and be like, oh, he didn't say anything about what men must be.

And I will say a little bit about that, but mostly it's going to be about finding a wife, not so much what you must be. That's a great topic, that's just not what this one is. Second, we are going to be talking about biblical principles, and those are from God. Whether you like the messenger or not if I say something that is from God go examine it and by His Word and if it's what I say is true then you've got to do it whether you like you know who I am or not you most obey because God says so. But I'm also going to be bringing some practical applications, kind of some tips that you are in no way bound, you're in no way bound to follow my advice or follow my recommendations at all, but I'm going to try to give you some nuts and bolts things that I've learned from my own experience, from observation, and from the counsel of others.

So that you can take it or leave it, but if it's from God, you got to take it. Next, this is not a talk about dating versus courtship or betrothal or anything else like that. This is not a talk about how to get a wife. This is a talk about how to find a wife. Or in other words, this is not a talk about how to pursue a wife.

This is a talk about whom to pursue. So I see lots of men who just don't know what to look for or what they're looking for is the wrong thing or they do know what to look for but they don't know how to look for it, right? They're like, well I know this is good criteria, but how do I know that she meets the criteria? So we're gonna be talking about this thing. That's why I wanted to do this talk.

Before we get into that, Some of you young men may feel like just giving up on this whole marriage thing, because you see the risks that are involved with it. You're on social media, you see the data, you see the divorce rates, you see the child custody devastation that comes from divorce, You see the financial devastation that comes through divorce. Maybe you've witnessed marriages, right? That's divorces. Maybe you've even witnessed bad marriages, people that are still married, but which is good that they're still married, but that the man would rather live in the corner of a house top than in the same house as his wife.

And those are risks. The Bible talks about those kind of things, and those are risks that are involved. But the answer is not to walk away, despise marriage, be a man alone, remain burning with sexual desire, and purposely self-destruct your own bloodline. Okay, that's not the answer. The answer is minimize risk, mitigate the risk.

First, by being a godly husband of character who fulfills your own duties, that's number one, you have the most control over that. That's not what this talk is about. But secondly, as we're discussing today, by being careful to pick the right woman to marry in the first place, it doesn't erase the risk. People change, sometimes not for the better, and you can only know so much about a person, But you can dramatically, dramatically reduce the risk. And when you do so, the risk is worth it.

The risk is worth it. Let me just tell you, the reward of having a godly wife, an excellent wife, who's the crown of her husband, that's worth it. It's so awesome, so wonderful. Marriage is good. Again, let me just talk more about, again, because I think there's a lot of discouraging stuff out there, But marriage is good.

It's very good, God said when He created man and woman, He said, it's very good. Very good. God made them male and female, put them together and said it's very good. This talk is not about the purpose of marriage, but I want to encourage you that committing yourself to a woman for life and her to you is very good. It's a very good thing.

Marriage is fundamental to the church and society. Strong marriages lead to strong churches and strong societies. Weak marriages or broken marriages or no marriages at all lead to weak and broken and decaying societies and churches. Engaging in God glorifying marital relations is very good. In sexual relations, it's very good.

1689, London Baptist Confession says, marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife, for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue and the preventing of uncleanness. The Westminster Confession says the same thing except it adds for the increase also of the church within holy seed. Right? This is what marriage is about. That's what marriage is about.

Embracing children, eternal souls, God places under your stewardship through your wife and your union is very good. It's not good for a man to be alone. How can he fulfill the dominion mandate without a woman? Some men will remain celibates. They will be eunuchs for life.

That can be a God-glorifying rule too, but it's not for most of you. It may not be for any of you. That may be why you're in this room, right? Because you've already, like, you already know, like, okay, yeah, that's not for me. That's why I'm in this room.

As Jesus said, he who's able to accept that, let him accept it. But as Paul said on the same subject, it's better to marry than to burn with passion Right. Most of us have that burning and that's not wrong It's good. That's a healthy wonderful desire that we have that is to be fulfilled within marriage and it's good and it's God-glorifying. It's only a problem if it's uncontained.

It's only a problem if it's fulfilled some other way outside of marriage. But having that desire for a wife is a good thing. So, desiring to take a wife is normal and it's good. Desiring responsibility and caring for a wife and children is manly. I just want you to know that It's a good thing.

It's very good, in fact. Okay, so how do you do it? First, how do you choose wisely? Proverbs 12, 4 says, An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. Rottenness in his bones.

So you want an excellent wife, not someone who's rottenness in your bones. So some men choose wisely. Some men choose poorly. How do you choose wisely? Alright, here's five, I'm gonna give you five steps to choosing, hopefully, wisely.

Step number one, get help. Step number one, get help. From my observation, This is the most underrated step of them all so I'm going to spend quite a bit of time here Remember the passage we just began with Jeremiah 29 Starts with thus says the Lord of hosts the God of Israel and then he says take wives and beget sons and daughters and take wives for your sons. So God tells the men to take wives. And then God, at the same time, he tells the fathers to take wives for their sons.

And yes, it's the same Hebrew word for take in both instances. So who's supposed to be taking a wife? You, for yourself? Or is your father supposed to be taking a wife for you. Yes, both.

Both. It's not either or. It's both the father and the son here are working in cooperation to take a wife for the son. That's what we're seeing in this passage right here. Take wives.

Beget sons and daughters. Take wives for your sons. And give your daughters in marriage. That they may beget sons and daughters. So it's fathers and sons coming together for this purpose of taking a wife for the son.

But it's not even just here. We see even the father and the son, the heavenly father and son in cooperation taking a wife for the son. Or Isaac and Rebekah, right? Abraham sends his servant, Eliezer, who we believe is Eliezer, you shall go to my country and to my family and take a wife for my son Isaac. So Abraham is advanced in age at this point, it's a long journey, He sends his servant to go take a wife for his son.

So he does that. And then at the end of that chapter, chapter 24 of Genesis, the servant has taken a wife for Isaac. He's taken Rebecca. He brings her to Isaac. And then here's what it says, then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and he took Rebecca, and she became his wife.

Okay, So Abraham, through the servant, took Rebekah to be wife for Isaac, and then Isaac then took Rebekah, right? Confirmed that taking, and at that point, then she became his wife. Where else do we see us in scripture? Many other places. I can give you lots of passages, but let me just quote from a book by James A.

LeBell and Joel Beke, one of the speakers here, called Preparing for Marriage Biblical Guidance from the Puritans. Quote, based on the Fifth Commandment, the Puritans said a child is obligated to ask the permission of his parents to marry so a couple might have their blessing and support in marriage. But again, going on, not just permission. Also the parents are obligated to help their son or daughter make a good and a fit choice, that their daughter might not be deceived in his or her choice, miss his or her way, and thereby bring hardship into the next generation. Thus, Abraham provided a wife for his son Isaac, Isaac provided a wife for his son Jacob, Hagar provided a wife for her son Ishmael.

Moreover, Caleb consented to his daughter's marriage. Saul consented to his daughter's marriage. Naomi provided a husband for Ruth. Based on such examples in scripture, the Puritans said part of a child's godliness is to submit to his parents' guidance in the matter of marriage, since that honors the Lord and His commandment. In so doing, the blessing promised in the fifth commandment will come upon the marriage, as well as the couple's relationship with their parents.

While the Puritans agree that there may be some exceptions in which a spouse may lawfully be taken to marriage without the parent's consent, it should be the exception which proves the rule. Okay, I agree with that. I think that's consistent with scripture what we just read in Scripture. And young men, you should want this help. You should want this help, ideally, from your fathers.

You should want this help. And I don't mean, you know, you go and you get, you find the woman first and then ask your father for his blessing after you've already made up your mind. Right? Not at that point. That's not clearly not it's not what's happening in these passages.

That's getting your car before your horse. I've seen a number of young men who want to marry a young woman against the parents wishes and it ends up causing a lot of devastation to the family. It's almost always because a young man has kind of gotten ahead of himself, he's become emotionally or perhaps even more so attached to a young woman before ever consulting his parents whether he'd ever do so at all. William Gouge, another Puritan, said this in his Domestical Duties, and this is a little more puritanical language here, but so focus here, said quote, contrary is the mind and practice of such children as over lightly esteeming their parents power, taking matches of their own choice and that sometimes privily, that is secretly, without giving any notice at all to their parents, and sometimes most rebelliously against their parents' mind and charge, not much unlike those who in the old world are condemned for taking wives of all that they chose which was one branch of that wickedness for which the world was drowned, or rather like Esau, who took such wives as proved a grief to his parents." Genesis 26. What blessing can be expected to fall upon such marriages, or rather what curse may not be feared to follow them?

God's law is transgressed thereby, his image and parents despised, that which is more proper to them than any goods, or fraudulently or violently taken from them, their souls grieved thereat, and they oft provoked to cast off their children and curse their marriages. Now God's curse does oft follow the just curse of a parent." Pretty strong language from Puritans. Young men, you should want your father's help here. Now some fathers may not want to be a part. Some fathers may say like, hey, I do not want to be a part of that because I don't want to blame.

Right? I don't want to be blamed for if things go badly with your marriage. So the son, that's all you. He may not want that responsibility or your father may be disqualified for some reason. If so, find someone, find one of your pastors, your elders, a mentor, someone who is older, wiser, mature Christian, who has a successful marriage, worthy of emulation, someone who knows you and who loves you and wants the best for you and seek their help.

And hopefully that's your father. But if not, find someone. Find someone that can help with that. Again, you wouldn't go buy a $500, 000 house, or maybe you would, but I wouldn't advise going and buying a $500, 000 house without hiring a real estate agent and a home inspector to come in and check things out. People who know way more about these things than you do.

This is your first house, you've never bought a house. You get the experts involved to help you. That's just wise to do that. How much more so for something way more important than a house. Number two, step two.

So step one is get help. Step two is get ready. Are you ready? I'm not going to spend a lot of time here because it's not really the purpose of this talk, but let me just tell you, let me just give you some help. You don't need to be an expert.

You don't need to be an expert on marriage to get married. Now you'll become an expert, hopefully after you're married, you will slowly become an expert, but you do need to have an adequate ability. Just like whenever you start driving a car, you have a third party, the government or some defensive driving place that checks off on you like, all right, you've got the adiquitability, right? But you're not an expert. So you're ready to get started, but you are not an expert.

But you do need the adiquitability to lead, to protect, to provide. Lots of people talk about having vision. I just want to assure you, that's not some grandiose thing. It is a very important thing. But it's not like you have some grand vision of like, here's how we're gonna take over the world and six generations or something like that.

But you do need to have a basic plan, A basic plan for the future and a purpose behind that plan. Why are you doing that? Putting it more simply, are you thinking intentionally or are you just drifting? Are you just like, someone's like, oh, what's your plan for the future? You're like, I don't know.

OK, well then you're not ready. You're not ready to get married then. Here's the thing. I see young men falling into two traps on whether they're ready to get married. One is overconfidence, thinking we are ready when we're not ready, but then the opposite is also sometimes true, that is underconfidence or perfectionism, thinking that we're not ready when really you are.

You are ready. A lot of that's not necessarily based on pride or fear, although it can be, but a lot of times it's just based on ignorance. You just don't know when you're ready. You need someone telling you that you're ready. That's what fathers are here to do.

Again, ideally your father should be someone who is an excellent judge, who knows you. Guess what? He's married, so he knows what it takes to have an adequate ability to be ready for marriage, and he can tell you, son, you're ready. Maybe you're like, yeah, I'm ready. It's like, no, son, you're not ready.

But your dad can tell you when you're ready or when you're not ready. It's just like boot camp instructors, right? You're getting sent off to war, and you go to boot camp, you've never been to war, you don't really, you kind of have an idea about what it takes, but you don't really know, but these boot camp instructors, they've been there. And so they spend three months or whatever with you to get you ready and to check off, like all right, they're ready. Right, so that's, you have someone else who's experienced, who knows you, and then they can check off and tell you all right, you're ready.

Step three, this is where we're gonna be spending most of our time here. What to look for. What to look for. Alright, here's what to look for. Are you ready?

Two things. Actually, three things. Number one, beauty. I've got my tongue in my cheek here. Number two, charm.

And number three, she shows you special affection, like she shows you special attention. Okay? Did you write that down? No, guys, no. Okay, no.

This is not the list. This is not the list. This is what our natural man, right, this is what the world is like. All right, that's it, right beauty and charm and then like I can tell she likes me but then all right she's the one no no no no no okay no Proverbs 31 many women have done excellently but you surpassed them all Let me take a quick rabbit trail. You actually don't want to marry a Proverbs 31 woman.

You don't want to marry a Proverbs 31 woman. And here's what I mean by that. The Proverbs 31 woman, she's married. Okay? She's married and she has children and her children are grown and they're like rising up and calling her blessed.

Her husband's an elder in the gates. You're not marrying her. Okay? Now you want to marry a woman who aspires to be a Proverbs 31 woman, who's on the trajectory to be her, but you're not marrying her. Don't read that list and like, I need to find a woman who sells belts and does all the Right?

Okay? That's not who you're marrying. You're marrying someone, yes, who does aspire to be, have the character of that woman. That's who you want. Okay, but don't think she has to be like already there because yeah, that one was already married.

All right, back to the back to the texture. So Proverbs 31, many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates." So beauty.

Beauty. Now I know some of you are like, well Bradley, wait a second, there's something about me. Okay, hold on, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. Beauty's not bad.

Okay, beauty's not bad. Far from it. But what I'm talking about, and again there's some aspects of beauty that relate to character, we'll talk about that, some things that we would call beauty. But what I would kind of just like if we're just talking about like raw quote-unquote beauty, what does it tell you about a woman's character? Zero, zero, tells you zero about what kind of wife she would be, what kind of mother she would be, that kind of beauty, the superficial beauty, is also fleeting, what the kind of this superficial beauty that the world would call beautiful, it's fleeting.

But again, it's not bad. That's why Proverbs 31 doesn't say that it's bad, it just says that it's vain, Right? When it comes to your wife, it's vain. It's objectively meaningless as far as is she going to be a good wife or not. Is she going to be an excellent wife?

It's vain. It doesn't really tell you anything. Beauty is good, but basing the decision on it is really, really dumb. If that's why you're marrying someone. Well, but I need to be attracted to her.

Did I say you shouldn't be physically attracted to your wife? No. But guess what? You will be. She's your wife.

She's a woman. You're a man. You get married. You start loving her. She starts loving you.

You have wedding night and thereafter, getting together. You will be attracted to her. It's science. Someone calls this monogamy goggles. That is that you will be attracted to her because she's your woman.

She'll be attracted to you because you are her man. In fact, if you're doing it right, even as kind of in the world sense, like superficially, her beauty decreases as she ages. Your attraction to her actually grows, actually increases. So this kind of superficial beauty cannot be your standard for who you marry, men. Now let me give a caveat.

You've all been waiting for this. This is not to say that external appearance or things that are observed externally about her tell you nothing about her heart and character. Okay, some external things may reveal character, like grooming, hygiene, weight. Yes, I said it, I said it, okay. Her dress, does she smile, stuff like that.

Yeah, they can tell you something about her. But let me give you one other caveat, and that is that shortcomings in these things should not be inherently disqualifying, but they may reveal character. By the way, just so you're aware, you're not going to marry someone who meets all your conditions. We're going to talk about that later. You're not going to marry someone who meets all your conditions.

I'll save the rest of that for later. But anyways, these things, yeah, okay, you can look at these things. These things, you can reveal some things. But things like how close together are her eyes, or what is her bone structure, or the shape of her nose, or I like blondes, I like brunettes. What?

You're really going to make a lifelong commitment? Pick who's gonna be the mother of your descendants based upon the color of her hair? Really? Seriously? We can't be led around like animals, guys.

We stop chasing the shiny objects. We need to grow up and mature. All right, secondly, charm. Charm, well, she's just so charming. I just love, everybody just loves being around her.

She's a great personality. Again, some things about that can reveal character, but I'm talking about just mere charm. Some of the most wonderful women, some of those charming women in the world are some of the most wonderful women in the world, But some of the most charming women in the world are also some of the most horrible women in the world. Okay? Some of the most dreadful.

Again, charm is not a bad thing, but Proverbs 31 says that it is deceitful. It's deceitful. We're talking about an excellent wife. It's deceitful. It leads you to believe something that may not be true.

Oh, she's charming, so she must be a great person. Not necessarily. So it can be deceitful. So again, it's not that you avoid, well, that one's charming. I'm going to avoid her.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not that you avoid someone who's charming. It's that this is not the standard, right? Just like beauty's not the standard. And then third, oh, she shows me special attention.

She likes me, I can tell. This is not your standard. Potiphar's wife showed Joseph special attention. The harlot in Proverbs 5 showed the young man special attention. The greatest young ladies that I've met are the ones who do not show men special attention.

Again, I'm not saying that she's a recluse, right? And like, I will never talk to men. I can never talk to men. I'm not saying that. No, no, what I'm saying is that when she does interact with men, she treats them all with kindness.

She treats them all like her brothers. She treats them all well. She doesn't single people out for special attention with flirtation. She's not forward. She's not batting her eyelids at you.

Those things are normally not good signs. She treats all men with kindness as her brothers in Christ. Alright, so what's the real list? Okay, here's the real list. And I do actually suggest you create a list.

I'm going to give you three categories that I've... One of my takeaways from this talk is create a list. Create a list and put three categories on it. I'm not seeing enough people writing. Okay, here's the three categories.

I'm saying literally write this out. This is important. If I say nothing else, I want you to hear this. First, non-negotiables. Non-negotiables.

These are things that, these are qualifications that you will not even give someone a second look if they do not meet these things. If they don't meet these requirements, that is a deal breaker. Number two, what I call prudential negotiables. Prudential, prudence, wisdom. These are things that, they're not absolute deal breakers, but boy, they're very important.

Very important things to look at. And number three, preferences. These are things nice to haves, but don't let these get in the way. All right, number one, non-negotiables. Number one, from God, Christians.

She must be a Christian. She must be a Christian woman. Otherwise, do not pass go. She must be a Christian woman. Don't even think about missionary dating or any of that stuff.

She must be a Christian. This is extremely important. Think about Abraham and him pleading with his servant. He said, like, put your hand under my thigh because I want you to remember what I'm about to say. Don't you dare take a wife from my son from the daughters of Canaan.

Same for you, don't you dare do that. Well, okay, I got that, but what else? I don't know what to look for, what else? Well, let me tell you, again, men, you're looking for women who will love their husbands, love their children, be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be blasphemed. That's what you want.

That's the tightest to a woman. That's what dreams are made of. That's what you want right there. Not women who will act like men, who want to act like men. If she doesn't want to be a homemaker, brothers, move on.

Move on. Women who delight in being queen of the home. And no, I'm not just talking about a trad wife. This isn't about tradition. This is about a biblical wife.

That's what you want. Someone who finds she loves God, and she finds her value not in tradition or looking like some 1950s or 1900 or some time period, Victorian or whatever, but a woman who finds her value and loves fulfilling what God says he created her to be and what he is she does what pleases him that's where she finds her value. Biblical life. So what are the non-negotiables here? Well here are the minimum topics I recommend you put on your list.

And you may not... I think you... Well anyways, This is what I recommend. Number one, the Bible. What is her opinion and position on the Word of God?

That it's infallible, that it's sufficient, that it's the authority that all decisions are based on. Right, You have to have a standard. She has to have a standard. You both have to agree on a standard and it's got to be God's Word. That's super important.

Number two, what I would call biblical patriarchy. You may have another name for it, but that's what I would call it. What is her position on Ephesians 5, on you leading, you laying down your life, and her submitting and obeying you as her husband? Right? You've got to be aligned on that.

You have to be aligned on that. Number three, children. That children are a blessing. You know, some people talk about, I see all these memes online about people talking about JL, Like I want a woman who's gonna drive a tent stake through a man's head it's like That's not standard guys, okay, I mean yes Okay, that'd be cool. But I mean that's cool, but that's not don't worry about that That's like way down here way down here.

That's not That's not a non-negotiable. But that's not, you know, the strongest women are not the ones who are willing to drive its tent stake through a man's head. The strongest women are the ones ready to bear birth, nurse, nourish, and nurture children to adulthood. Those are heroes, like your mothers. Those are strong women.

Those are strong women. Women who are willing to do that in this society that spits on them for doing that, that's the kind of woman you want. And I believe the default is receive as many as God would send you. If you want to go watch the talk I did on this, if you're not tired of listening to me, search YouTube for Bradley Pierce Children Are A Blessing. But if she's not ready to have children, she's not ready to get married.

If the woman is not ready to have children, mentally assenting to that, right? She's not ready to marry. And the same goes for you. If you are not ready to provide, care for, lead, and have children, then you're not ready to marry. Because God says, Malachi, why doesn't he make the two one for godly offspring?

Why was it not good for the man to be alone? Because he's supposed to be fruitful and multiply. How is he supposed to do that alone or with animals? That's part of it. That's a big part of why he makes the two one.

Next issue to be aligned on, non-negotiable, is opinions about child discipline. Cuz this is gonna be a huge issue that you have to deal with in your marriage that y'all need to be aligned on. Next, government school versus private school versus home school. She needs to be aligned with you on that. Home school, by the way.

That's my opinion. But there are lots of godly Christian friends that they say private school, Christian private school. I'm not here to like give a talk on that, but whatever it is, you have to be aligned. You have to be aligned with your wife on that. And if she's not mature enough to have figured these things out and have a, be persuaded and have a position on these things, then she's not mature enough to marry.

And if you're not, then you're not. And so creating this list is part of being, getting ready. And there may be other things that you have on your non-negotiable list. She honors her father, work ethic, character qualities, but I'm going to advise you keep it short. This is not some exhaustive list.

This is not meant to be some exhaustive huge list. These are just truly the non-negotiables. You have to agree on these things. You have to or it's going to be a path to misery. Only put the things that you have to agree on this non-negotiables.

Next category, Prudential Negotiables. Prudential Negotiables. These are not requirements, they're not deal breakers, but they're very important things to look at. And yes, I'm even talking about actual skills, Right? Does she know how to cook?

I know maybe you're like, he's such a sexist. Actually I think most of you men are like, yeah. Does she know how to cook? Does she have it? Again, She doesn't have to be an expert, but she has to have an adequate ability and a desire to get better.

When I say cook, that's just a shorthand way of saying bring her food from afar. Getting good deals, knowing how to source food, knowing what's nutritious and what's going to provide good healthy food for her growing family and her husband and her children. That's going to be a delight to them and they're going to enjoy eating where you're not going to be like, honey, let's just go out. Let's go out all the time. Oh no, no, no, your food's great.

I just really like eating out." It's like, no, no, no, it's a joy to come to your table and she provides wonderful food and it's a joy to invite people over and show hospitality because you know that It's going to be good, right? Again, not that she has to be an expert right off, but she wants to be. She aspires to that. And other homemaking skills. These are things very important that are going to affect your day-to-day life.

And if she's a young woman who's like, I don't really care about those things, then she's not loving her future family. She's not thinking of her future family and what's gonna be loving to them if she says, I just don't care about those things. Listen, there's probably a whole lot of other things I could list here that are things to avoid, but like I mentioned earlier, I just want to say this. You are going to marry a person with character flaws, okay? You're going to marry a person with character flaws.

So don't make this some huge list. This is not this, especially with prudential negotiables. Don't make this some huge thing. You're going to marry someone with character flaws. I love, there's a Paul Washer, There's a sermon one time where he's talking about this.

He said, perhaps the chief purpose of marriage is not your happiness, it's your holiness, yours and hers. And then portraying Christ and his bride, and then offspring. If you marry a person, if you were to meet and marry, not that they exist, a person who met all your conditions, how are you ever going to learn unconditional love if your wife meets all your conditions? You're not. And guess what?

You're not going to meet all of her conditions. You have character flaws. Okay? And you should work on those and try to overcome those and get better at those things and increase in skills. But she's going to be marrying someone who has character flaws.

So that's why I'm just like, with all these lists, this is not some huge, huge, huge list. So I suggested for the non-negotiables, 15. For this, I'm gonna suggest seven. Seven things that are very important, prudential negotiables, but right not some massive list. And again these numbers are not like you know written in stone, but this is just what I suggest.

Finally, the third category, preferences. Nice to haves, but don't let them get in the way. Keep this list really short, really short, like three things. Three things and be willing to totally jettison them. Because they're not that important.

Because you and I both know if we were to list all of our preferences, all of our preferences, no woman would ever meet them. Just like if she were to list all of her preferences, you would have no chance of ever getting married. Okay? Keep it short, these things are not super important. I'm talking about things like, He's a Texan.

Yeah, I'm from Texas, so. He's outdoorsy, or she's outdoorsy. She likes to go camping. She's a minimalist. She loves dogs.

She hates cats. Okay, actually that hates cats thing. Maybe that should be on the non negotiables no I'm just kidding but like again these are things that you're you know guys these are not that important these are not that important these are things that yeah nice to have this you've got like just tons of qualified women out there that's like oh okay well then I've got options list right but they're not necessarily tons of those So what I'm talking about is 25 things total. 15 non-negotiables, these are deal breakers, seven prudential negotiables, and three preferences. And again, these are not rules.

My point is you're not creating some massive, massive list. I want you to get married, okay? I want you to marry well, but you're not creating some massive list that no one can ever meet because you don't want them doing that for you either. All right, step four, you have your list. All of this, that list as well, I said at the very beginning, get help.

Fathers, with your sons, making that list with them and your sons, your sons are like, oh, well, I think this is a non-negotiable. It's like, son, no, that's not a non-negotiable. Okay, and you're helping them like adjust their list, right? Working on that together and shortening it and making sure that it's a good list and literally writing it out. Don't go post it online.

But literally writing it out just for the two of you, you know, to work on together. And again, your wife, your mom to help with. Alright, step four, how to evaluate. I'm running out of time, but briefly, obviously there's a point at which like, well, does she agree to these non-negotiables? You have to actually talk to her.

That's going to happen. But actually, directly talking to her, and I know you're like, well yeah, duh, of course. But that's kind of the duh. That's why I'm not gonna spend any time on it. But that can actually be one of the least effective ways to actually learn about her.

Because she may be just saying what she wants you to hear and you may be hearing things already kind of getting emotionally getting emotions cranking and same for her until it's harder to be objective and so my number one would say observation observe her As quoted again from Preparing for Marriage, biblical guidance from the Puritans, here's a quote from Puritan Isaac Ambrose. He says quote, speaking of a man, you know, considering someone for a wife, quote, let him observe and mark these six points in his choice. The report, number one, the report. That is her reputation. Her reputation.

What do people who know her say about her? Number two, the looks. You're like, ah, there's beauty right there. That's what I'm looking for. No, no, no.

He's talking about her. Does she have a haughty look? Or does she have a humble? What is her countenance? How does she carry herself?

Is it haughty or is it humble? Is she gentle and quiet-spirit or loud and boisterous? So The report, the looks, that is the countenance. The speech, how does she talk? The apparel, oh no, we can't talk about that.

Yeah, it's actually something you should observe. I'm not going to tell you what your standards are there, but there are some, you should have some. The companions that tells you something about her and the education, that is, how has she been educated? How is she educating herself? What are the things she's educating herself in?

Continuing from Isaac Ambrose, these are six things are like the pulses that show the fitness and godliness of any party with whom he ought to marry. So again, talk with your fathers about these things, right? Talk with these fathers, and fathers, talk with your wives and others. And one thing I tell young men, this is just a very practical, I've told this to young men in our church, and at our church we have a fellowship meal every Sunday after the service. And I said, all right, young men, here's my advice.

Just sit back at the table over here where you can see like the whole room and do this, you know, this is not just like a one Sunday snapshot thing, but like observe the young ladies here and observe what they're doing. A few things. Number one, do you always see them just peer grouping? Is she always just with her peers? Or do you see her with the older, wiser women?

He who walks with the wise will become wise. Is she just with her peers? Or is she spending time with the older, wiser women? Not that she can never be with her peers. I'm not saying that.

That's why this is not just like a one-shot thing. This is something you observe over time. Is she just always only with her peers or is she with older wiser women or is she sometimes helping even with the children or the babies? Is she delight in those things? Is she serving?

Is she helping? Is she, again, very practical? Is she like, when the meal's done, does she help pick up other people's plates? Is she thinking of others? These are not like rocket science things.

I'm saying just Look at her. I'm not talking about her outside. I'm talking about look at what she's doing. Look who she's spending her time with. Look who her companions are, her countenance, the report about her, the speech, the way she talks, her apparel, her education.

Observe these things and they will tell you a lot. Finally, step five, make a plan. I need to wrap it up. Make a plan. I'm serious.

Make a plan with your father. Get together. Fathers with your sons. Make a plan. Create this list.

And yes, and create a part of the plan, a timeline, a timeline. Like here's when you need to be ready. Here's when you do this. Here's when you do this. Here's when we do this.

Here's what, and again, this isn't like it's locked in stone by any means. No, he submits this to God, but it's great to have a timeline. It creates urgency and it also creates patience because you know like, oh I don't need to do that yet because I'm here. I'm focused on this. Then we'll get to that later.

All right, as I close, What about romance? Bradley, none of this sounds very romantic. This just doesn't sound very romantic. Listen, I am all for, don't get me wrong, I'm all for romance. I'm all for romance and playfulness and love poems and flirting and hand-holding and whispering sweet nothings.

I'm all for googly eyes, and long stares, and sparks, and fireworks, and a whole lot more. After you've already made a lifelong commitment to her. After that, after you have, after she's no longer your sister, she's now your bride. Now, let the romance commence. Before then, you know, we see Hollywood and we see fiction and history, fiction even throughout history, Shakespeare, glorified premarital romance.

But then once the marriage takes place, it's like that's the end of the story. No, no, no. That's when the romance begins, is once you've made this lifelong commitment to one another, and I'm not saying it has to wait to your wedding night, although obviously something should, but I'm saying the romance is once you've made this lifelong commitment, right? You don't romance your sister, You romance your bride. That seems kind of obvious.

You don't romance someone who is not your bride yet. You romance your bride, And she's your bride once you've entered that lifelong commitment, whether you want to call it engagement, espouse or betrothal, whatever. That's when the romance really begins. Until then, it really clouds judgment. And it inhibits making the right choice instead of enhancing it.

But yes, let the romance commence at the proper time. All right, to conclude, who you marry is extremely significant. Extremely significant for you personally, for your entire greater family, for your generations or whether you will even have generations, because there are men married to women who the women say, I don't want to have children. This matters historically and it matters even eternally. Eternally.

And yes, there's risk, but it's worth the risk. Get married, please. So marry, get married, but as much as you can, choose wisely and marry well. And here's the bottom thing, bottom line on getting help. Fathers should, under normative circumstances, play a significant, if not leading, role in helping their sons to take a wife.

And sons, you should want that. And you fathers, you should want that. And if your father's not willing, find someone who is. Fathers, and you should be wanting and striving to be the kind of father that your son trusts to help him make that. And this is one of our top jobs as fathers, raising our children with fear and admonition of the Lord and then seeing them established in godly marriages for all of our children.

Young men, there are good women out there. There are good women here. You just have to know how to find them. Are you ready? If so, what are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for? Like Scott Brown said, Don't waste your exile in paralysis. Let's get going. Like a Kevin DeYoung book, if you ever read this, it's called, Just Do Something. I love that book.

So fathers, take wise for your sons. Sons, take a wife. Get ready, get started, get help. Choose wisely, and get married. Thank you.