In his sermon 'Message: Thinking Through Pairing Up,' Jason Dohm discusses the importance of intentionality in forming relationships leading to marriage. He emphasizes three key headings: Be the Right Person, Marry the Right Person, and Honoring Parents. Dohm advises focusing on personal spiritual readiness, stressing the need for spiritual regeneration and daily practices to make one's spiritual life solid. He cautions against premature emotional entanglement and highlights the importance of mastering patterns of life, such as maintaining a disciplined schedule and financial preparedness. He outlines roles in marriage as part of a gospel drama, where men should emulate Jesus' leadership and sacrifice, and women should reflect the church's respect and submission. Dohm discusses the significance of aligning with a partner who is equally yoked spiritually and shares compatible life goals. He warns against choosing partners who are indifferent to spiritual matters. Dohm also highlights the importance of family influences and suggests deepening social circles to include those passionate about God's mission. Finally, he underscores the necessity of honoring parents in the process of finding a spouse, as this aligns with biblical commands and promises blessings.

My message today is thinking about pairing up. You can just let what happens happen and live with the results, whatever they are, or you can do what you can to steer to a great result and reap the benefits of having thought through things from the start and head down a track that is well thought out and that is engineered to take you to a really good result. So let me tell you about this message and how it'll be structured. I'm gonna take something that Janet and I told our own six children from the time that they were very young, we said it over and over again in our home. And I'm going to use that as the structure.

Here's what we told them. Be the right person, marry the right person. How's that for simplicity? If you like simplicity, you came to the right place this morning. Be the right person.

Marry the right person. And then I'll give you some thoughts on honoring parents. So there are three headings. Be the right person, marry the right person, and honoring your parents along the way. Let's ask God to help us.

Oh God, please come. Please don't leave us to ourselves this morning, but come and help us in a powerful way that just gives us wind in our sails to go forward in these things in a way that would honor you. God, we want you to be honored in all of these things. We pray in Jesus' name, amen. Heading number one, be the right person.

My encouragement is this, focus on getting ready. Throw all your weight to Get ready and get ready as fast as you can, just as fast as you can get, as ready as a person can be to be married. Do that now. All my children know this phrase. This is really sort of a dome mantra.

I'm a dome. Janet's a dome. This is a dome mantra. The young people in our church know it as well. Here it is.

No pairing up prematurely. No pairing up prematurely. What do I mean by that? I mean that I'm excited to see it when a young man who has made himself ready to be married has been made ready by the Lord and by his parents and by himself. And when a young woman has been made to be ready by the Lord, by her parents, by steps that she's taken, when I see them entering into a thought out process to see whether they should be married.

I'm delighted, but that's often not what we see. We see either a young man who's not ready or young woman who's not ready. No one affirms that they're ready, And yet they're still getting entangled, emotionally entangled and pairing up prematurely. And that almost never ends well. And I'm against these two parallel tracks.

So think about train tracks. One of the tracks is getting ready to be married. Not ready yet, but getting ready. That's one rail. The other rail is pairing up at the same time.

So getting emotionally entangled and becoming a pair at the same time, either formally or it's the worst kept secret in your church and community. You're laughing because you've seen it. Everybody knows the worst kept secret. So I'm against that. That's a bad parallel track in my opinion because there is so much energy and time and emotion that goes into the entangling that it actually pulls against readiness for marriage.

So I don't think those should be parallel tracks. I think you should do all you can with full force to get married and then you add the second track because you're both ready to get married. Let me give you the four things that I think get you most of the way, it's probably not a comprehensive list, but it probably gets you most of the way to being ready. So I'm gonna give you four things that will keep you from pairing up prematurely. And I would say throw your weight behind this and get these things in order before you add that other track of emotional entanglement and trying to figure out whether you should be married with this other person.

Number one, get your spiritual life rock solid. If your spiritual life is not rock solid, I don't think you're ready to pair up. And I think emotional entanglement with another person will actually pull against that and hold you back in many ways from getting your spiritual life rock solid. So, Of course, this starts with regeneration. You must be born again.

There is no spiritual life that is solid without new birth, without being given a new heart, without repenting and believing and receiving a new heart and becoming a new creature. So sometimes at a conference like this we might presuppose this, but it's never safe to presuppose this. There are almost always people, if you have 150 people, I think that's what we have here, if you have 150 people, there's almost someone, multiple people in the room who are very respectable and People are presuming that they are born again and they're religious and respectable, but they don't have a new heart. They've never really repented and believed on Jesus Christ in a saving way. So it starts there.

And then it proceeds a spiritual life. Spiritual life begins with regeneration, but then it becomes solid through daily private means of grace and public means of grace. What are private means of grace? Well, they're how the grace of God flows into your life, how God helps you through the things that nobody else sees often. Through having fellowship with God in prayer.

And private, people may never know. Often people don't even know that it's happened for you that day, but it has happened. You've gone and you have been with God that day in prayer through private reading and studying and meditating on and memorizing the Word of God, these daily private means of grace help to make your spiritual life rock solid. And then the public means of grace. This is where we're in public now.

This is a public means of grace. Hearing, preaching, going to be with the people of God, to sing with the people of God, and pray with the people of God, and encourage the people of God, and be encouraged by the people of God. These are all public channels through which the grace of God flows into your life that makes you solid in your faith. Getting your spiritual life rock solid ensures that you won't be looking for in a spouse the things that were designed by God to get only from a vital relationship with God in Himself. This actually might be the most important sentence I'm going to say this morning.

Having your spiritual life rock solid ensures that you're not looking for in a spouse what you can only get from God. Now imagine how toxic it is when you come into pairing up and then maybe come into a marriage looking for in that person things that you can never get from that person because God designed it so you could only get it from God. How crushing it is for your life companion to be looked for for those things and they can never succeed in it. You'd be surprised how many marriages fit that description. And it's awful to be on the other side of that.

And it's awful to be the one imposing those expectations on someone because they're doomed. Your expectations are doomed and they can never satisfy them. Think of what that does to a marriage. So getting your spiritual life rock solid has you receiving from the Lord the things that he can give to you that a spouse never can and sends you into marriage, not with expectations that aren't crushing for your spouse. So that's number one, get your spiritual life rock solid.

Number two, get ready to play your part. This is a key part of getting ready. Get ready to play your part. What part? Your part in the gospel drama.

In Ephesians 5 verses 31 and 32, this is at the end of a section where Paul's talking about marriage and how a husband ought to relate to his wife and how a wife ought to relate to her husband. And he says this at the end, he says, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church." Marriage has always been designed by God to be, in the fullness of time after Jesus came, a picture to the world of how Jesus passionately loves his people and how his people adore Jesus and respect Jesus and follow Jesus. We're supposed to reflect that. So get ready to play your part in the gospel drama because that's what God has in mind for your future marriage that you would learn to relate to each other in a way that reflects Jesus and his church.

So men, are you ready to play the role of Jesus Christ in this relationship? The answer is no, you are not. Okay. I've been married almost 35 years and I'm not really ready for that either, in the sense that Jesus Christ is the perfect version of what I'm striving to be. So no, of course you're not fully ready to play the part like Jesus plays his part in the gospel drama.

But you can get more ready than you are today to be like Jesus towards a woman that he would bring into your life and cause you to play this this part in your relationship with her. What does that look like? It looks like being ready to lead with decisive strength and also with self-sacrifice and tenderness at the same time. Does that sound like an easy mission to you? I say, God, can I just pick one?

Can I pick one? Okay. Be ready to lead with decisive strength. Okay. I think I might be able to do some semblance of that.

Oh, but also with self-sacrifice and tenderness at the same time. At the same time? Yes, at the same time. Isn't that how Jesus is leading us as his people, as his bride, isn't that how he's leading us? With decisive strength and also with self-sacrifice and tenderness at the same time.

Yes, this is a difficult mission. Amen, this is our mission. This is what God has given us to get ready for. It looks like leading your bride and then your children in spiritual growth, helping your bride grow spiritually, then helping your children if God gives you children in spiritual growth. Looks like providing for your family and protecting your family, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

How long can we make the list? Well, How does Jesus care for us? How long is that list? It's a really long list. So are you ready for that?

Not perfectly ready. Men, get ready for that. Women, are you ready to play the role of the blood-bought church in this relationship? Are you ready for that? To act like the church ought to act towards the Lord Jesus Christ?

Are you ready to be that in a marriage partnership? What does that look like? It looks like being ready to be under authority and also to exercise authority at the same time. To be under authority, to have the husband as the head of your household, the chief theologian, and the leader of your household, and also to exercise authority at the same time. What do I mean?

He's not there most of the day. You have a sphere of authority where you are bringing things into order, and when you have children, you're the boss most of the hours of the day. You're exercising authority while you're under authority. Yes, this is also complicated. You also have a hard job to get ready for.

How are you at being under authority now? Do you think it'll get easier when you're married? Quarters don't get any closer than marriage. Talk about close quarters. Talk about getting familiar with each other's faults and sins.

Okay, so it's not getting easier to be under authority. If you're not good at it now, marriage is not gonna solve that problem for you. Do you respect the authorities God has put into your life today? If you don't today, it's not getting easier when you get married. Are you ready to be a home builder?

We have this phrase in Titus 2, keepers at home. It's good translation. I don't have any qualms with the translators, but to us, keeper at home is easily inverted in our minds to housekeeper, okay? Keeper at home is a housekeeper, okay? That's not what the Bible's talking about.

Women, God is asking you to be something more in your home than a housekeeper. There's a thousand things. And when your children get older, you'll do almost none of the housekeeping. Your children will be doing these more menial things while you do higher level things and part of your job will be to train them to be faithful in work by doing these things and you'll be a manager in your home. Are you ready to build that?

Not keep it a little sweeping up, little doing of the dishes after dinner. That's not what the Bible's talking about. So, away with keeper at home if you're going to invert it to housekeeper, okay? Think of home builder. That's actually what the scripture is talking about.

That's number two, get ready to play your part. Number three, master your patterns of life. That's what you should be doing today. Working to master your patterns of life. I can have a great hour, a good day, an okay week.

I struggle to do well for months at a time. Is that like, are you like that? I can muster a really good hour. Okay. A great hour, a good day, a pretty good week, a so-so month.

Okay, so let's talk about patterns. Not you being able to perform great for an hour or good for a day or okay for a week, but your patterns of life, like developing faithfulness over a long period of time. Being able to be faithful for a long period of time, your patterns of life. Here's the summary of what I want to say under this point, Master your patterns of life. The summary is start living like you're married.

In different ways, start living like you're married. How is your schedule? Maybe you usually go to sleep at 2 a.m. And wake up at 9 a.m. Maybe that might be totally functional in your current condition.

Okay, so nothing wrong with it in the job that you have today as a single person, in the life that you have today as a single person, totally functional, but it will be totally dysfunctional the day you get married. So consider getting on a schedule that will be sustainable when you get married now. It'll be hard enough even if you get on a reasonably human schedule. If you're a night owl and you marry an early bird, it'll be hard enough even if you make adjustments now. Or if you're an early bird and you marry a night owl.

Start living from a schedule perspective, like you're married now, so that when you get married, you're not making 10 big changes. How does that work? Do you have any experience in your life trying to make a bunch of big changes all at once? How does that work? It ends in frustration.

So you gotta start now. How are your work patterns? Are they disciplined and focused or sloppy and willy nilly? You might be able to get away with it with the life that you have now, but when you're married Sloppy willy-nilly work habits are going to be a great frustration to your spouse whether you're a husband or a wife How is your primary space now Might be living at home. So your primary space might be your bedroom.

If your bedroom's a wreck now, your house will be a wreck later. Really, whether you're a husband or a wife. So take control of the space that is yours now and bring discipline to it, bring order to it, because your spouse is going to appreciate that when you get married. How are you reliable at following through on commitments now? How reliable are you at showing up on time now?

How reliable are you at anticipating things ahead of time now? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Jesus says this in Luke 16 verse 10. So true. You can say that with anything Jesus says, by the way.

So true. Well said, Jesus. Luke 16 verse 10, Jesus says, he who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much. So establish patterns of faithfulness now. And then when God gives you more in marriage, and he gives you more in marriage, there's pretty much more of everything in marriage.

Every category, the bar gets raised in marriage. So be faithful now so when God gives you more in marriage, you'll be ready for those bigger things. It is a fallacy to think that it will magically be easy to change long-standing habits the day you get home from the honeymoon. It's just not true. That's a fallacy.

That is a recipe for a very short honeymoon in the figurative sense. You know when you wish someone, like, I hope your honeymoon lasts for years. I hope it's just the sweetness of the honeymoon just lasts and lasts. Believe me, if you're trying to change, make ten big changes on the day you get home from the honeymoon, your honeymoon is going to be short in a figurative sense because that's not how it works. We're experienced with that.

So that was number three, master your patterns of life. Number four, get your financial house in order. Get your financial house in order. Are finances everything? No, of course not.

Are they nothing? You're a fool if you think they're nothing. I got an amen. You're a fool if you think finances are nothing. One of my favorite movies is It's a Wonderful Life.

And then It's a Wonderful Life, Clarence the angel is with George Bailey and George Bailey needs money and Clarence the angel says we don't use money where I'm from he just come from heaven he says there's no money where I'm from and George Bailey says well it comes in handy down here bub isn't that true it's not everything but it comes in handy down here, bub. Gentlemen, single men can live on almost nothing. It's amazing how cheap Single men can live. They can live in places that cost almost nothing. They can eat ramen noodles every night and they cost nothing.

That doesn't mean you should be living on almost nothing. That doesn't mean you should be earning almost nothing. Your future wife almost certainly doesn't want to live on almost nothing. It's called subsistence living. What is subsistence living?

It's earning just barely as much as you need to barely survive. Okay, and that's actually not the Bible ethic at all. That's not the Christian ethic. Paul in Ephesians four, verse 28, listen to Paul. In Ephesians four, verse 28 says that we should work at good things.

So, work hard at good things. Quote, that we may have something to give him who has need. Work at good things so that you have something to give, there's something left over. You're actually earning a surplus because other people will have needs and out of your surplus, you can help them. That's actually the Bible ethic.

That is the Christian ethic, not subsistence living. Might God bring you into a time of scarcity in your life where you're just earning barely enough to live? Yes, but you shouldn't be aiming for that. You should be aiming for earning where there's extra to give afterwards. So giving is actually an important part of the financial equation of getting your financial house in order.

Giving is an important part of that. Janet and I have almost never across 35 years, almost never argued about money. Study what couples argue about. And money is always in the top three. It doesn't matter whose list it is, arguing about money is always in the top three.

And Janet and I, over 35 years, have almost never argued about money because we both came out of homes where our parents lived below their means. They earned more than the budget was, and they gave from the first of it. So there was never arguing about giving because when they got the paycheck, they wrote the church check. That's so take these patterns into your marriage. Ladies, this isn't just for the men.

You can come into your marriage with zero personal debt. That's a blessing to your marriage. And you can bring a magical down payment for a home into your marriage. Okay, you can pool your money with his. If you have money, okay, now we probably have varying degrees of strong thoughts on the vocations that women should be engaging in and what they should be preparing for.

And I'm on that continuum. It probably goes from very strong thoughts to very, very, very strong thoughts in it. When you talk about the culture at large, who is this group represent? Where the very strong thoughts to the very, very, very strong thoughts and some gradations in between. I'm on that continuum.

I'm all the way there on these things. But you can be earning and saving now in a way where then when you get married, you're pooling your money with the money that he's been able to earn and save, and it's going to matter, okay, for your first year and your 10th year and your 30th year if you can come into your marriage with zero personal debt and the money that you've earned and you've been a saver, not a spender. That, By the way, when you get married, if you're a saver and not a spender, that will help you every day of your marriage. Furthermore, ladies, so much of the financial health of your home will be directly affected by you. Your home's going to be financially healthy because of you, largely, significantly.

In our home, we have 35 years of history, thank you, Janet. In our home, I earned the money overwhelmingly, But Janet made it go incredibly far. There are patterns where your money doesn't go very far, and there are patterns where your money goes miles and miles. She made our money go miles and miles, thank you. And Janet managed it so that we could kill our debt and save.

So I was making it and she was managing it and she watches it and in the early years she was balancing down to the penny, she would find the penny. And because of that, when I was 40, we were completely out of debt and I was able to become a church planner. That never would have happened if she hadn't managed our household finances like she managed our household finances. A window opened up for us that never would have opened up except for what she did in the area of our finances. So that's heading number one, be the right person.

Be the right person. Don't pair up prematurely, focus on getting ready as fast as you can. By one, getting your spiritual life rock solid, by two, getting ready to play your part in the gospel drama, by three, mastering your patterns of life, and by four, getting your financial house in order. Heading number two, marry the right person. So be the right person but marry the right person.

I'm going to give you seven things, thoughts about marrying the right person but I'm going to give them to you faster. We're doing good on time actually, we're fine. Number one, begin with the end in mind. This is actually helpful counsel in almost every category in life. Begin with the end in mind.

What is the end that we have in mind? Ephesians 5, creating a marriage that reflects Jesus Christ and his people, Jesus and his church. Here's what I want to encourage you to do. Reverse engineer this sucker. Reverse engineer.

Okay, so that's it. That's where we're headed to a marriage that reflects and shows to the world the passionate love of Jesus Christ for his people and the adoration of his people and the respect of his people and the delight of his people to follow him. Now, we're just gonna track it back to the right person and the right process. You just, if you get anything out of what I'm saying this morning, do that. That's the destination, Christ in the church.

Now, trace it back, okay, track it back, reverse engineer this thing, back to the right person to get there and the right process to get there. Can you do that with just anyone? Can you arrive at the destination of a marriage that reflects to the world Jesus Christ and his people and all that that means with just anyone. Obviously not. I have to be the right person, but I also have to marry the right person if we're going to reflect to the world that.

So if that is the destination, I should never start down the track with a person who doesn't have obvious potential for going with me to that destination. And everything about the process should be consistent with arriving there. So many things about the process that I see emerging couples engaging in, the process would never get you there. This is your process for getting there? You can't be serious.

Even if it's the right person, it's the wrong process of taking you off track. So think about the person to get there. Think about the process to get there. That means that recreational dating is not a thing for us. We don't date just for the fun of it.

And significant boundaries and safeguards should be in place from the earliest days. In Ephesians chapter three, verse three, Paul says, but fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, which is fitting for saints." In other words, the people of God have a pattern and it takes them nowhere near sexual immorality. Let it not even be named among you. It's not even whispered, I wonder if. So there is avoiding evil, amen, we should be avoiding evil, but there's also avoiding the appearance of evil.

If you're leaving your friends, the people you go to church with, your coworkers, your parents, wondering that's the wrong process, with the wrong boundaries, The NIV renders it, there must not be even a hint. Not even a hint. Might not be great translation, but it's good commentary. Good commentary, not even a hand. That's number one.

Begin with the end in mind. Reverse engineer from Christ in the church. Track it back to the right person for that. Track it back to the right process. And then start with the right person and launching into the right process.

Number two, never even consider someone who is cool to the things of God. Never even let it cross your mind to enter into a contemplation about whether you should get married into any sort of process of tearing up, of entangling with someone who is cool to the things of God. If it isn't obvious that this person has a lively relationship with the Lord, don't even consider them. Well, if we got into a relationship, I'm sure they would warm right up spiritually. They'd come around.

When you take that approach, You've heard of missionary dating, dating unbelievers in the hopes that, of course, then they'll become a believer, they'll see the light then, okay? This is like the inside professing Christianity version of that. They really don't seem to have a spiritual appetite for a whole lot. But I'm sure if we got into a relationship, they would warm right up. They would come around.

When you take that approach, you are actually asking for one of the worst possible outcomes, which is that They act like they've come around. They act like they've warmed to spiritual things to advance the relationship with you. But when you're married, they drop the act. And if that's happened, they always Drop the act. And you have a spiritually apathetic spouse for the rest of your life, maybe.

And you're married to a person who has no appetite for spiritual things. And so the things that are most important in the whole wide world to you, they care almost nothing about. You might be able to drag them to church. Do you want to drag your spouse to church? They might go for the kids.

Do you want your spouse going with you to worship God for the sake of the kids? Do you know how many people have talked themselves into a person who was cool to spiritual things, but they didn't have a lively personal relationship with the Lord, but they tuck themselves into it and they find themselves with a spouse who'll tag along to church for the sake of the kids. Just imagine a life that's like that. That's number two. Never even consider someone who is cool to the things of God.

Number three, consider equal yoking. This is the term Paul uses in 2 Corinthians chapter 6, verse 14, and he says, believers shouldn't be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. So the clear meaning of the text is believers never marry an unbeliever as much as you can know, never marry an unbeliever, and that is the primary application. But the concept is valuable more broadly as well. What is yoking?

Yoking is the joining of two animals into a harness, you're harnessing them together, why do you do that? To get more gain of them, more gain out of them together than you would have gotten if you had just worked with them individually. So there's actually more gain for you if you get the right animals and you put them in a yoke together, you get more gain than you ever could have gotten the addition of the two of them working separately. So the sum is greater than the parts. If the animals are very compatible, You get a tremendous amount of strength and gain above and beyond what you ever could have gotten out of all that this one would have produced plus all that that one would have produced.

The more compatible, the more strength. The more compatible, the more gain. Let me say this, it is possible for two real live Christians who simply aren't very compatible to marry. Are they both believers? Yes.

Are they both real, live, warm-hearted believers? Yes. Are they very compatible? No. Their friends could see it.

Their family could see it. Probably people talk to them about it. They got married anyway, and now there's not very much strength from it because they're not compatible. There's not much gain from it because they're not compatible. Of course, once you're married in the providence of God, you are compatible.

You don't get married and say, oh, we didn't think through equal yoking, we're not very compatible, so all bets are off. That's not how we do it. This is till death do us part. So if you're married and now you're finding out that you're not very compatible, now it's time to figure out how to get the most that you can and learn how to work together in the most fruitful ways. Amen to that.

But Just start, start before you're married. Think about this. How compatible are we? Because ultimately life's most fun where you're able to pull on the same rope in the same direction and actually see things happen in the kingdom of God. That's when marriage is most fun.

So this matters. That's number three. Consider equal yoking. Number factor. You need to assess the it factor and how much the it factor matters to you.

What do I mean? Let me put it this way. Sometimes two people match up extraordinarily well on the spreadsheet. If you don't have a spreadsheet, an actual Excel spreadsheet going, you do have one in your mind. So some people officially have it.

I know this to be true. I bet that I see, I'm seeing people smile like they have one. Okay. I'm looking at people who are smiling like they actually have a spreadsheet. But even if you don't have the actual one, when you do have one in your mind, and let's say you're getting to know someone and it's check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, down the column.

But there is little or no natural attraction. There should be, according to the spreadsheet, the spreadsheet says we should be crazy about each other, but there's actually no craziness for each other. By that, I mean much more than she thinks he's really handsome and he thinks she's really pretty. Okay, that's just a small slice of the it factor. Is the it factor everything?

It better not be. The spreadsheet does matter. I'm not ridiculing, like lining these things up and seeing levels of compatibility. That was the previous point. Is it nothing?

You need to decide that. I think for most of us, it's somewhere in between. It's not everything, It's not nothing. You want a certain level of craziness, but you might not have to be head over head over heels. But you need to decide what you think about that.

If you want my personal opinion, I personally think it matters a lot. I think we match up well on the spreadsheet. I think there's a lot of check marks. It's not comprehensive, but we match up well. But I was crazy about you.

And I'm not sure. No, she's giving the crazy sign. Okay. So I'm being super sweet to her and I'm getting the crazy sign back, okay? I'll deal with you later.

I don't think I would have wanted nothing but check marks. It mattered to me that I was crazy for her. And I think if we're going to replicate, I think Jesus has a white hot passion for his people. I don't think he's picked us because the spreadsheet lined up well. And I think if we're gonna replicate that, there needs to be something of this.

I think that if we're reflecting the gospel, deep affectionate love is an important part of the overall equation. Now there's another side to that, like insisting on that from day one. You might walk away from somebody who's perfect for you and who on day 90, like a lot of craziness will have developed. So be careful not to bail out on that notion on day one. That's number four.

You need to assess the it factor and how much the it factor matters to you. It matters to me. Number five. Let's talk about family matters. Family matters.

That's my opinion on family matters. Family matters. The point I'm making is that everyone marries the product of a home. I was the product of a home, and Janet was the product of a home, and the interrelationship of all that has mattered for us probably every day of our 35 years of marriage in ways that we can't even discern now. If the person you're considering is the product of a strong healthy home culture, that will be tail winds for you.

That will be wind in your sails. That is going to make things easier for you. It's going to help you towards building a strong healthy home culture. It's easier if you marry a person like that. If the person you're considering is a product of a chaotic dysfunctional home culture that will be headwinds for you.

You will be going into the wind, the wind pushing against you. You will have extra work to do to build a strong healthy home culture. The more a home culture exemplifies the fruits of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control, did I get them all? I think I got them all. The more a home culture exemplifies those fruits of the spirits, those are going to be tailwinds for you, wind in your sails.

The less a home culture exemplifies the fruits of the Spirit, those will be headwinds for you. You will find that pushing against you. Furthermore, those relationships are forever relationships. In-laws are forever. Does that mean you shouldn't marry a wonderful person you believe has very difficult parents.

No, it doesn't mean that necessarily. But this is a dynamic that you should factor in and consider because it will most likely have long-term implications for you if you get married. You should just think about it. You should at least face it. You might decide, this is a wonderful person.

She's not guilty of the sins of this home. Amen to that. Okay. And I can't live without her. And so I might have difficult long-term relationships with people that I'm duty bound to honor, but she's worth it or he's worth it.

And to that I say amen to that. I love the spirit behind that, but just look it in the face. Look it in the face because these things are real. That's number five. Let's talk about family matters.

Family matters. Number six, deepen the pool. You're doing something here and now that can deepen in the pool, but the truth is this relationship might not deepen the pool at all, depending on how you engage the time. If you make great use of the time and get to know a lot of people a little, that's all you can do this weekend is get to know a lot of people a little. That's all you can do this weekend is get to know a lot of people a little.

That's what you should be doing. That will deepen your pool. If you hang back, you won't deepen the pool. You should deepen the pool. Then after this weekend, search out opportunities where people are hot towards the things of God.

Search out those opportunities. Just go where people are hot towards the things of God. They can't get enough of the things of God. They can't get enough of the people of God. They can't get enough of the mission of God.

Go there. You mean where the single people are gathering to do those things, not exclusively. There are many great reasons to develop a deeper and wider network of people who are doing meaningful kingdom work. There's a hundred different reasons. One of them is there might also be other people who aren't married who are hot about the things of God and who are longing to do meaningful kingdom work.

But even if there aren't, you'll engage with other believers. They have friends and it's not all about getting married anyway. There's nothing that fits that description within a hundred miles of me. There's nothing within a hundred miles of you that fits that description, then maybe you should be part of solving that problem. If you rally people who might be interested within 100 miles of you to further evangelism, abortion clinic ministry, international missions.

It will raise your visibility to people who care about that stuff. That's the people you're trying to connect with. It's number six, deep in the pool. Number seven, I'm almost done. Recommit this to prayer.

I say recommit this to prayer knowing that you've all made this a subject of prayer. God, you're wise. At the right time, bring me the right person. You've all prayed a version of that prayer a thousand times and that number might be low. Recommit yourself to praying.

Let me remind you of what you already know. God knows that you're single. He knows everything about you. He cares about you. The fact that you're single today is not his lack of care.

It's not his lack of knowledge. He knows it's not his lack of care. It's not that he doesn't care he's overlooked you because you don't matter to him. It doesn't reflect that. He's wiser than you.

He knows better than you. He knows just how to bring the perfect person to you at just the right time. He is the one who first said, it's not good that man should be alone. He said that first. I will make him a helper comparable for him.

So my encouragement is that you would recommit to regularly seeking the Lord in prayer that he would make you the right person and that he would bring you the right person. Heading number one, be the right person. Heading number two, marry the right person. Finally heading number three, honoring parents. Ephesians 6, the apostle Paul quotes the fifth commandment.

So we're in 10 commandment territory here. Ephesians 6 verses 2 and 3, honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with you. So let me say this emphatically. You are not a free agent, free to just do whatever you want to do. Your parents must be honored in these things.

And it is almost certain that if they don't feel honored, then they haven't been honored. Have you ever seen a situation where there's a disconnect there between the sense of it, the children think, well, of course I've honored you. And the parents say, that wasn't honor. If they don't feel honored, chances are almost certainly they haven't been honored. Can you find an exception?

Don't let that exception let you off the hook. With some parents this would be relatively easy and you will actually find it tremendously helpful in you becoming the right person and marrying the right person. Some parents this would be difficult. In any event, every one of you is required by God to honor your father and honor your mother. You are required by God, whether it's easy or hard.

Whether it helps or you think it hinders. The good news is that obeying God in this comes with a promise. It will be well with you. That is either true or not true. Make up your mind.

I've been shocked and appalled at how many young people I've seen ignore their own self-interest in this and go it alone. Because the price to bring their parents along was high. The price to honor their parents was high and they wouldn't pay it. And I'll beg you that if you just do it for your own self-interest, do it. And that's the wrong reason to do it.

And you ought to do it for other reasons. You ought to do it to honor God and to obey God. But just know this. You are walking away from your own self-interest if you won't pay the price to honor your parents in the person that you pick and in the process that you engage to get married. You're walking away from your own self-interest to go it alone.

Do not be that person. This topic is worthy of a full session, so it's not going to get its just due being my final point. But let me simply say this, I'm going to give you two thoughts that might help you. Let's say it's going to be difficult to honor your parents, or at least that's your assessment. They might surprise you.

Let me give you two thoughts that will help you. Thought number one, take ownership of finding out what both of your parents are thinking. Well, they're mom and dad. They should take ownership of that. Nevermind.

My encouragement to you is you take ownership of finding out what your dad thinks and what your mom thinks and find out in a very honoring way and let your parents know what you're thinking in a very honoring way. You'll probably be surprised, probably learn things you didn't know. They'll learn things they didn't know. Sometimes this requires courage. This can be intimidating to be the one initiating these discussions.

Dad, what are you thinking about this? Fill in the blank, what are you thinking about? And then, You're not sure exactly what he's saying, so you probe. Do you mean this or that? Okay, mom, how do you think about this thing?

Okay, and you're not sure you're getting it? Mom, I don't think I understand what you're trying to say. Can you try it again in a little different way? It can be intimidating to that. Be courageous then.

Wherever you find disconnects, work with them very patiently and very graciously. This is part of what it means to honor is just in the interchanges be very patient and be very gracious. You must be to honor them. If you will simply do that, Take ownership to find out what they're thinking and to make sure they understand what you're thinking. And in that process, be very patient, be very gracious.

If you'll simply do that, you'll probably find that you're more than halfway there. That has just, all that has solved a bunch of your problems. Thought number two. A phrase that I use with my kids is this, and it requires explanation. I'll explain it, but here's the phrase, manage me.

Okay, My quote unquote baby is about to be 20. That's a big baby. I don't have a lap big enough for that baby anymore. I tell my children manage me. Now that can sound condescending to parents, but I don't mean it that way.

What I mean is there, Dad, when I tell my children to manage me is an acknowledgement that someone is always going to manage someone, that's how life works. You will either manage or be managed. And I personally prefer that my kids would get out in front. I'm encouraging them to get out in front and help set my expectations. Now I don't have to accept the expectations setting that they attempt, but I want them to think about how they can get out in front of me and set my expectations so that I don't fill the void by micromanaging them.

I tell them, if you give me blanks, I'll fill in the blank. And it's probably not what you were thinking at all, but you left the void and I'll fill it with micromanagement. How do you like that? My kids hate it. If you're, my youngest is 20, you think my 20 year old wants to be micromanaged?

Okay, so I'm telling her, here's how you get out of that. You don't leave me wondering. You fill in the blank. You set my expectations by getting out front. I want to be managed.

I invite you to manage me. If you don't want to be micromanaged, get out in front of it and work to set your expectations. Hopefully in ways that are consistent with what you've come to expect from them. See, a child who's thought it through knows a lot about how you think, knows a lot about what you expect. So as they attempt to set your expectations for what you're thinking and how you would like for things to proceed, they're coming with something that's consistent with what they've come to expect from you.

So it's actually a reflection of your expectations in many ways if they've thought it through. So our time is at an end. That's it. Be the right person. Marry the right person.

Honor your parents. Oh God, I pray for these precious brethren that you would act in perfect wisdom. Of course you will. You will act in perfect wisdom to help them to become the right person, to marry the right person at just the right time. Oh God, give them such confidence in you.

Where they doubt, I pray that you would help them to just Repent of that doubt and to just look with hope towards the future, knowing how good you are, knowing how predisposed you are to do us good. I pray in Jesus' name, amen.