From Strong Families = Strong Churches (Wake Forest, Aug 28–29, 2026). Jason Dohm on shepherding a child’s heart.

The title of my message tonight is the title of one of the most famous books, at least in our circles, on child training. The title of my message is Shepherding a Child's Heart. If you don't own this book and you haven't read this book by Ted Tripp, you should buy it and you should read it. And a couple of years later, you should pull it off the shelf and read it again. The strength of this book is establishing the theology of going for the heart of our children.

So it's great at that. It has a book that it should be married to, which is Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley. So they are married. You should own Child Training Tips by Reb Bradley, and you should read it, and after a couple of years, you should go back and read it again, too. They really do belong together.

The strength of child training tips is it's very nuts and bolts practical and it tells you if your kids are doing this try this. And so often we need that kind of very ground level practical help. Let's pray. God it is a kindness to us that you've put children in our homes. Thank you for that.

They bring us joy and they give such meaning and purpose to so much of what we're doing. Pray that you would bless us as we attempt to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord to be to be faithful and the things that your word is set before us. Please, please help in Jesus name, amen. So I think we can all agree that we should be going for the heart. That is not controversial.

How do we go for the heart? Through shepherding. What does a shepherd do? A shepherd feeds, a shepherd guides, a shepherd directs. And God has given parents to children to feed them not just physically but obviously we're talking figuratively here and to guide them and to direct them.

Shepherds often enjoy the the trust of of their sheep. Their sheep will just follow them and often we see that happening with our children. Tonight I would like to give you five main points and I'm going to dive right in. Number one, number one is the starting point. The starting point is our own hearts.

If you want to shepherd the heart of your child, you should start with your own heart. Here's the summary of this point. If you are not steadily cultivating an ongoing vibrant relationship with the Lord, then you are attempting to impart something that you don't particularly value." How do you think that's going to go? Let me say that again. This might be the payoff line.

If you are not steadily cultivating an ongoing, vibrant relationship with the Lord, you are attempting to impart to your children something that you don't particularly value for yourself. How can we do that? Scott mentioned this earlier, he made this point earlier. I'm going to make it again. I'm actually going to read a couple of verses from Deuteronomy 6.

You're very familiar with the text. Just allow me to read Deuteronomy 6 verses 5 through 7. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." You eventually get to the diligent teaching of your children, but the text certainly doesn't start there.

The text starts with your own love for God, this all-consuming love for God that includes heart, soul, strength, and a person who not only loves God but is consistently hiding the Word of God in his heart or her own heart. So try to skip those steps and skip past love for God, cultivating love for God, hiding the Word of God in your heart, and just start with the diligent teaching of the Word of God to your children and see how that goes. You instinctively recoil from that notion, don't you? That's good, that's right. So the first step in shepherding the heart of our children is to cultivate our own heart with love for God and with the word of God.

So much more could be said but let me at least say this before I move to the next point. Kids know, kids know whether you are or are not consistently cultivating an ongoing vibrant relationship with the Lord or not. You can do all the same things, You can say all the same words and if you're not doing that, they know. And if you are doing that, they know. So start in the shepherding of your child's heart, start with your own heart and just cultivate love for God and hide the word of God in your heart.

Number two, aiming for the heart of a son or daughter. I have a number of things I want to say about aiming for the heart of a son or a daughter. First, you're aiming. The opportunity to luck into that, they are few and far between. You'll find that you almost never luck into it, that you actually have to aim at it.

You prioritize it and you do this consciously or it happens precious little. And not only do you have to aim at it in order to do it, almost always that's true. It's for a son or a daughter. This is a precious relationship and a different relationship. You are not a boss trying to squeeze the most productivity out of an employee and you're not a drill sergeant barking orders from morning till night.

No, God has given you a son or a daughter and a special relationship and it's not just about productivity, although there ought to be productivity in our homes, and it's not just about giving orders, although we do give orders in our homes. We are bringing up, training sons and daughters to bring them into an adulthood ultimately under Christ as God would give us grace for the salvation of our sons and daughters. This is the things that we're aiming out. Now, let's start by acknowledging that if you want efficiency, you would never do this. It's so much more efficient to just get focused on outward behavior.

It's simpler in so many ways to just say, I don't like this, stop it. We need more of this, do more of this. If you wanna be efficient, then you have to just get focused on behavior modification. You can do that somewhat efficiently. So this is going to take time, time, okay, efficiency is gonna have to be set aside often and you're gonna have to invest time, more time than you planned for, more time than you thought and some days it's going to feel like it is sucking the life out of you.

Can I get an amen from a mother? But invest the time and invest the emotional energy. So it's going to take a lot of time, invest it. It's going to take a lot of emotional energy, invest it. That's what parent shepherds do.

They invest the time, they invest the emotional energy. I asked Janet, Janet what should I say? She said tell them encourage them, encourage them, encourage them, encourage them, encourage them. So many times in our thinking, parenting equals discipline. If the sum total of your parenting is discipline, then you are discouraging them, discouraging them, discouraging them.

So there is a ratio of encouragement to discouragement, of encouragement to discipline. Discipline can often be discouraging to a child. In some ways it's designed that way. You need to think about that ratio and if the ratio is upside down so that the big number on top is discipline and the little number on the bottom is encouragement, you're going to lose them. Eventually they will check out and tune you out.

There might be some exceptions to that, but those are the exceptions and not the rule. If you have more discipline than you have encouragement, eventually your children are going to start tuning you out and they're going to check out and they won't even hear you anymore. So encourage your children. Parenting is as much about teaching and modeling what is good as it is about correction. Do you buy that proposition?

Parenting is as much about teaching and modeling what's good than it is about correction. So there are two sides of those coins and often when we think about parenting we're thinking so dominantly about one side of the coin which is the correction side and we all we need that that has to be part of our parenting but the other side of that coin needs its fair share maybe more which is teaching and modeling what is good. Part of going for the heart is, yes, detecting and addressing bad attitudes. How do you detect them? Sometimes it's just grunts and noises and you know there's a bad attitude there.

It's been detected and so it should be corrected. You need to address that bad attitude. But another very important part of going for the heart is talking to your children about good things and showing them good things by doing good things. They need to see you doing what's good and hear you talk about what's good. Listen to Paul in Philippians 4-8.

You're familiar, but I'll read it. Philippians 4-8. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things. Paul is telling the Philippians, get fixed on those things. Set your mind on those things and turn them over in your thoughts again and again and again.

Parents should talk about and model those things. They should get their kids, their children's minds fixed on those things. Shepherds feed, that's what they do. They feed good things. They take their sheep into green pastures, this is what we're talking about.

They take their sheep beside quiet waters. Just think about how Jesus shepherds you, he's the good shepherd. Psalm 23 is all about Jesus, you find that out in John 10. Psalm 23 is about Jesus, is that what I said? Psalm 23 is about Jesus, you find that out in John chapter 10.

So how does Jesus do it? Oh, we should be doing that in abundance. So, parents, don't ignore behavior, but aim for the heart. Don't ignore it. There's behavior, it needs to be addressed.

Amen. Do that, but aim for the heart. We'll get to more of that as we work through. Number three, behavior, a critical gauge of the heart. Like You've got this gauge that shows you where you are.

It's called behavior. Listen to Matthew 15 verse 19. Matthew 15 verse 19. Jesus says this, for out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. Jesus is teaching that the heart is the root and that outward action or that behavior is the fruit.

So what you're seeing on the outside, you can trace it back, it came out of the heart. Where does lying come from? Actually comes from the heart, just the manifestation of something that's gone horribly wrong in the heart. So is the heart the only thing that matters? Well, yes, in the sense that it is our thoughts and motivations and intentions and desires, these unseen things of the heart, you don't ever see any of those things, right?

That are the real us. That's true. But since our outward actions are the display of our thoughts, motivations, intentions, and desires, we should pay close attention to what those outward actions are saying about our children. Those outward actions, the behaviors are saying things about what's going on in the hearts of our children. These outward actions are a diagnostic tool, God has handed you a diagnostic tool to help you to understand the things that are going on in the hearts of our children.

They are a heart gauge. So read the gauge, its behavior. Have you ever encountered a permissive parent whose child is a little monster outwardly, but they're convinced is good way down deep inside? That is such a harmful and false notion. No, they're a little monster on the outside because they're a little monster on the inside.

The behavior is just the billboard advertising the things that are going on in the heart. So we want to go beyond Behavior, of course, but we can't afford to ignore behavior because it's telling us things about what's going on in the heart. We shouldn't think of these things as disconnected. Well, there's what's going on in the heart and then there's the behavior and never the two shall meet. Oh, yeah, they meet.

They're connected. One is a gauge of the other. Why do we want to modify behavior anyway? Well, yes, we don't want to be embarrassed in the grocery store, I'll give you that. So we need to modify behavior.

And we do want to raise responsible adults. We want to give our children a chance to succeed later in life. Yes, those things are true, but surely it's more than just that. Surely we want to help our children understand what is really going on in the inside. This is a key part of shepherding your child's heart, is helping them to understand what's actually going on in the inside.

So we can't afford to say, well, they're just like that. Yeah, that's the problem. Okay, that's not an excuse. That's the problem. Well, they're just like that.

No, no, no, that's not an excuse. That is a problem statement. We need to help our children understand what's really going on in the inside so that they can start to address these things for themselves. We're actually teaching them to diagnose what's happening inside. So they can take responsibility and take action for themselves.

This is shepherding the heart of your child. So go for the heart. Amen. But always keep an eye on the heart gauge, which is behavior, and then help your kids know how to read the gauge and take action when the gauge is saying things that are not not good. Number four, making a distinction between an old heart and a new heart.

How could we lose sight of this in our parenting? But often we lose sight of this in our parenting. When we talk about the heart of an unbeliever and the heart of a believer, we're talking about two radically different things. When you become a believer, the heart of stone is removed and replaced with a warm, soft heart of flesh. These are two radically different things.

These are literally different creatures. You become a new creation. The old things pass away and the new things have come. From a parenting perspective, some things will be the same. You'll parent unbelieving children the same way that you parent believing children in some ways.

But for instance, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior. No matter your perception of their spiritual status. But you cannot disciple an unbeliever. You can and should evangelize an unbeliever, help them to see if you can the desperate condition and the only one who can help with that, the Lord Jesus Christ, the only one who can fix that problem. What do I mean?

I mean Galatians chapter 3. Listen to Galatians chapter 3 verse 24. This should, this verse should actually inform our parenting. Galatians chapter 3 verse 24. Paul writes, therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ that we might be justified by faith.

So you're not justified by the law, that's not what the law is for. Faith is what justifies. Faith in Jesus is what justifies. The law is a teacher, a tutor that grabs you by the elbow and takes you to Christ by showing you your great need. We have to think in those terms.

Use the requirements in your home and the unmet requirements in your home to help your son or your daughter understand that something is terribly wrong with us. And I do say us, there's something terribly wrong with all of us that has to be fixed and can only be fixed by the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. Use these unmet requirements to help your children understand their desperate needs. Something's wrong with you. Why can't you tell the truth?

There's a great answer to that question actually. Why can't you be nice to your siblings? There's a great answer to that question and it brings them to Jesus Who's the only one that can give them a new heart? As an aside, does that mean that every violation warrants a sermon? I do not believe that.

I did not parent that way. I think if every violation you think shepherding their heart means you need to preach a sermon, you're not going to be, you're not going to have a functional life. There are too many violations to preach a sermon on everyone. You have to pick your spots. But the point is, we should be picking our spots for those times.

When we have a reasonably good reason to think that a child has saving faith, Then we start discipling. We can start working within that framework with that child. But if you meet an unbeliever with expectations that can, you can only reasonably have of a believer, then you're expecting things that they have no power, no ability, and it's crushing. I'm not saying you lower the standards or have different standards, but I'm saying there is a different approach to someone who has the new heart in the Lord and someone who doesn't. Now, if you have unbelieving children and they all start that way, not a single child has been born again, you still have to teach them to do their work, to treat people well, to act responsibly, to follow the house rules.

We're not waiting for salvation to expect those things. No, we expect those things of all their house. They all have to do their work. They all are expected to treat people well. They're all expected to act responsibly.

Many unbelievers treat people well and act responsibly. They're all expected to follow the house rules. But you are viewing failures through a different lens, depending on your assessment of the condition of the heart. And so sometimes you're dealing with failures in a different way. Now is it possible that a believing child can struggle with their conduct more than an unbelieving child at times.

So we're doing a thought experiment here you have a believing one one believing child one unbelieving child. Is it possible that the believing child actually has times where they struggle with their conduct more than the unbelieving child does. Of course that's possible. All believing children have remaining corruptions. Are you a believer?

Do you still have remaining corruptions? Then you're believing children, do you? And some unbelieving children are excellent at doing the right thing for the wrong reason. They're man-pleasers or They don't like discipline and so they struggle less with their conduct because they're naturally people pleasers. But the parent of a believing child is both parent, you're their parent, and brother or sister at a spiritual level.

And that informs how we come alongside a believing child, especially as they age. You're the brother or sister in the Lord of one that you're also the parent of. It doesn't nullify your authority or diminish your authority, but it changes and informs how you come alongside them. While the unbelieving child needs to come to repent and believe in Jesus. So your job with the unbelieving, your overarching job with an unbelieving child is to get them to see who they really are according to what God says they are and what can solve that, The only thing that can solve that.

Number five. I'm gonna give you four tips, some tips. Four tips. Tip number one. Match boot camp with increased tenderness.

This is from Red Bradley's Child Training Tips. It might be the best tip I ever got out of that book. Match boot camp. What's boot camp? It's exactly what it sounds like.

There are times when your children need increased intensity and increased consistency in discipline to get on top of things and to break bad patterns in their lives. So it's not going to happen without increased intensity and consistency. So that's boot camp. When they're in boot camp, those periods of time Counterbalance that with increased tenderness. Bedtime stories should be longer stories.

You should snuggle up and read longer and be more tender to counterbalance all the discipline that has been required of them all day long. If you don't, you're ending up with this ratio that's upside down and it really can provoke your children to anger. If it's all boot camp all the time, no one's built for that. So tip number one, match boot camp with increased tenderness. Tip number two, Paint a picture of the long term, so your children know where you're trying to go.

Spell it out for them. Give them a vision of where you're trying to take this thing, this thing being parenting them into adulthood. But there are only five. That's the perfect time. You're gonna wait till they're 15?

So much water is under the bridge by the time they're 15. Five is just the right time. Tell them where you're taking these things, trying to take these things so that they know that as you are bringing correction and discipline along the way, that actually it's more than just behavior modification. You're trying to shepherd their heart and you're for them and not just mad because they're not complying. If you give them a framework, they stand a chance to know that you're not just mad that they're not complying.

And really, that's usually not it. Sometimes we're just mad that they're not complying. But often, there's so much more behind that. You're really for them, but they can't see it. We're trying to give them a framework so that they can see it.

Tip number three, make good use of your brethren. Hillary Rodham Clinton says it takes a village. Does it take a village? Well it depends on how you define village. If you define it right, I'm cool with that.

If the village is my brethren, and it means that my brethren feel like they can invest in my children to say the same things that I'm saying but they'll believe them when they didn't believe me then I'm for it. That never happens. I can think of each of my children and some brother or sister in the Lord who invested significantly in their life in ways that were so helpful over the long term. I hope you have those stories too. If you don't, go get them.

Tip number four. Only God can do this. So look to God and look to God in prayer. So I haven't been as faithful as I should be for praying for my children, but ironically I'm praying for them now more than I ever have. And I don't think we can pray too much for our children.

And I do know this, Psalm 3315 says that God fashions every heart individually. Just think about that. Psalm 33, 15, God fashions every heart individually. So we want to shepherd our children's heart, but it's God who's fashioning it. So we should cry out to God because we could do things faithfully and end up with a bad result and not be what we should have been and end up with a good result if God intervenes, right?

Let's pray. God, we do want to be faithful and we know at the end of this, it's you, it's you. So we cry out to you to help us to be faithful and that as we do these things, as we employ means of grace, channels for your goodness to flow into the lives of our children, that You would do that even above and beyond all that we can ask or imagine that you would find your grace just flowing into their lives. We want them to know you as the good and kind God that we know you to be in Jesus name, amen.