In his sermon 'Forming Marriages by the Book,' Jason Dohm explores the biblical foundations for marriage, emphasizing its role as a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church. He draws from Ephesians 5:22-33 to illustrate how marriage should embody love, submission, and unity, akin to the bond between Christ and His followers. Dohm stresses that the process of forming marriages should be intentional, guided by biblical principles, and involve active parental engagement. He warns against adopting worldly practices such as recreational dating and hands-off parenting, advocating instead for a process that honors God and prepares children from an early age for godly marriages. The sermon underscores the importance of equal yoking and the dangers of entering relationships prematurely without proper spiritual grounding. Ultimately, Dohm calls for marriages that bring glory to God by embodying self-sacrificing love and mutual respect, urging parents to instill these values from a young age.

Take your Bibles. We're going to read out of Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5 I'll be reading verses 22 through 33. Starting in verse 22. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife, is also Christ is head of the church, and He is the Savior of the body.

Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church.

For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Amen.

You can be seated. We're bringing our by the book series to conclusion, although we'll still be using the book after this. We considered biblical manhood by the book, biblical womanhood by the book, last week biblical marriage by the book, and this week we'll conclude it by talking about the forming marriages. How do you go about forming these marriages? So that they do what they're supposed to do, which is to reflect Jesus' passionate unending love for His people that He laid down His life for, and the church's adoration and happy following of Jesus, our great head.

This week I'm going to bring us to four texts of scripture which will help us think through how we can go about forming marriages. The joke between Scott Brown and I for a long time is that our profession is to preach to eight-year-olds. Look around. By and large, That's true in many ways. We are outnumbered.

Parents, we're outnumbered here. I thank God for that. It means good things. It means God has entrusted many children into our homes. And that means we ought to be thinking this through because they're growing a little bit every day.

And they're getting closer every day to when they leave our homes. Hopefully by the grace of God, they leave our homes and form their own families to follow Christ and bring glory to Christ in the world. That's our hope, is it not? So let's ask for God's help. God, we feel your need for grace.

We feel the need for undeserved favor. We have no claim to demand it. We just know that you're a good God who is full of good gifts for people who don't deserve it. So, to you we come. We love you.

We know we love you because and only because you loved us first. And we love our children. And we want more than So many other things for them to know you to love you also to walk in this world to bring honor to you So we know all these things come together in a consideration of forming of marriages. Please help us Don't leave us to our own thoughts on this, but bring your word to bear we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

Okay, four main texts. Here's the first one. Number one, Ephesians 5, 31 and 32. So if you didn't close your Bible, you're already there. If you did close your Bible, open it again.

Ephesians 5 is just a subset of what was just read. And we've been in it, I know, every week for the last month. But let's read it one more time. Ephesians 5 verses 31 and 32. Follow along.

Paul quotes Genesis 2, 24. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery that I speak concerning Christ and the church. Paul quotes Genesis 2, 24 about human marriage and says, but I'm not talking about human marriage, I'm talking about what God has always intended human marriage to reflect, which is the marriage of the Lord Jesus Christ with His people, who He came and bled and died for to make his own and to make a pure bride without spot and wrinkle. So in Ephesians 5, 31 and 32 we are taught what we are reflecting in marriage.

If you are taking notes on the handout by filling in the blank. Reflecting fills in the blank. What we are reflecting, we are reflecting Christ and the church. Human marriage is to be a picture of Christ and His people, the church. According to Ephesians 5, and it's quoting Genesis 2, so according to late in the Bible and the first pages of the Bible, this is the reason two people leave their homes to join together.

They leave in cleave. They leave the homes that they were brought up in, spent the first two decades or something like that of their life in, being trained and helped along. And then they leave those homes and they join together and the two become one. Leaving and cleaving, becoming one. They leave their households to form a new household which then reflects Christ and the Church.

This is the design of God. It's a shame that it's so rarely seen, but this is what God had in mind when He created marriage for mankind, that we would reflect the Lord Jesus Christ and his people. You might have heard this saying, I hope you've heard this saying, begin with the end in mind. What does that mean? That means don't start stuff before you know, have it clear in your mind exactly what you're trying to do.

Wait to start until you have clarity on exactly what you're trying to accomplish. Because if it's vague in your mind what you try to accomplish, and you're just in a hurry to get started, you'll never go about it in the right way. Because you haven't set out, marked out exactly what you're trying to accomplish. But when you set out and mark out exactly what you're trying to accomplish up front, then you can chart a course to get you there. What's the saying?

If you don't care where you go, any train will take you there? That's true. If you don't care where you go, any train will take you there because it didn't matter to you where you ended up, so no matter what train you get on, you're not disappointed. Well, God hasn't called us to that kind of life. God has called us in human marriage to end up somewhere very specific.

Christ and the church. And just let me say this. No one ever drifted there. You just set yourself on the stream and go where the stream takes you. It will not take you to Christ in the church.

As characterizing your marriage, you will end up a million miles from there. So begin with the end in mind. In informing marriages, have it clear in your mind. This is what we're solving for. If there's no particular end in mind, then you just end up being driven simply by the fact that males and females really like each other.

And really like to be liked by each other. I don't think I'm saying anything controversial, am I? Is it controversial that males and females like each other and like being liked by each other. No, there's nothing new here. Everybody knows that.

If you let that be the primary driving force, then you will not end up at the Bible purpose for marriage. On the other hand, if we can get ahead of the curve and say we're solving for this, this is actually where we're hoping, planning, working towards ending up, then we can prioritize the principles from Scripture to get us there. The Bible speaks to everything. And the Bible has spoken to this. And there's not a book of the Bible called Forming of Marriages.

Please turn to Forming of Marriages chapter 3 verse 14 and let's consider that. But the Bible has given us principles to help us navigate in this very critical category. By the way, once your children are born again, I know that's a big F, that's the big one, but once your children are born again, the next most critical thing for the future of the rest of their lives is marriage, who they marry. So by all means, let's prioritize helping them to know this good and great Savior who has intervened in our lives and plucked us out of destruction. By all means, That's number one.

But then, when God has them safely in His kingdom by His grace, may that be true, then marriage looms really large, and you helping your children secure a future that honors God and that actually is a happy future for them. So the Bible speaks to it. You can believe there's something that's that important that the Bible speaks to it and gives us the principles to help us navigate this critical, essential, but very tricky category. Can we agree that it's all those things? It is a critical category, it's an essential category, It's a tricky category.

Seasoned parents know a little bit about how tricky it actually is. So, brothers and sisters, begin with the end in mind. We are undertaking to form A marriage that reflects Christ and the church so that Jesus gets glory on the earth. He ought to have it. And there is a way to go about forming marriages that's so much better than just setting yourself on the stream and going wherever the stream takes you which will not be that endpoint.

The book gives us principles by which we can navigate to get to the end that God has in mind. Forget what we have in mind. Begin with God's end in mind. Number two, Ephesians 6 verses 1 through 4. Here we have an uninspired chapter break.

Meaning, Paul didn't write that sixth there. We need ways to find where we are in the Scriptures, so we numbered things. That makes sense. I'm glad we did it. But sometimes it makes it look like there's a big break in subject.

And I'm here to say there's no big break in subject here. When you consider Genesis 1 and Genesis 2, and a man and a woman leaving their homes and being joined to one and being given a gigantic, glorious two-fold mission to fill the earth and subdue it together, then we shouldn't be surprised to find in Paul's letters a contemplation of marriage and immediately parents and children. If you haven't noticed, these things go together. By God's wisdom. Ephesians chapter 6 verses 1-4.

Follow along. Children, Obey your parents in the Lord. For this is right. Honor your father and mother, that's in quotes, the fifth commandment is being quoted here. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.

And you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. This is about honoring parents. If you're taking notes on the handout, filling in blanks, parents fills in the blanks. Honoring parents. Paul says this is right.

It's good and fitting and right in the eyes of God for children to honor their parents. They are commanded to. What do we learn? Let's start here. Let's start with the negative.

Parents should not be dishonored in the forming of marriages. Parents should not be disregarded in the forming of marriages. Parents should not be disengaged in the forming of marriages. They should be honored, regarded, engaged in the forming of marriages. This is part and parcel.

This is unbreakably joined with the honoring of parents who are given the responsibility to bring up their children in the training and admonition of the Lord. In other words, children walk in His ways. We're here to help you walk in His ways. We're here to help you know Him and walk with him. You cannot look at Ephesians 6, 1-4 and conclude that Christian parents shouldn't play an essential role in the formation of their children's marriage.

You cannot conclude that. It does not follow. It cannot follow. In fact, the command to honor parents is a command with a promise of welfare. God sweetens the pot.

God puts in a sweetener. God has the right to command you to obey without any sweeteners. And often He does. There's no specific promise of blessing attached to many of the commands, but in this one, in his wisdom, he's chosen to sweeten it, to sweeten obedience. And to promise good and welfare for this particular obedience, the honoring of parents, the obeying of parents.

So we can flip that over too and say If it's true that God has given us this command with a sweetener, then we should talk about disobedience and the bitterness that would come with it. The opposite of obedience leading to specific blessing that then disobedience has a particular bitterness associated with it. The opposite, a dishonor is a recipe for heartache and personal destruction. Children, are you listening? Unmarried people in the room, are you listening?

Dishonoring your parents is a recipe for heartache and personal destruction. And that is a law like gravity. And you think you'll be the exception and you'll dishonor your parents and it won't bring heartache and some levels of personal destruction into your life. And I'm here to tell you that is a system that will not be cheated. It cannot be cheated.

So do it to honor God, yes. But if you must do it out of self-interest, self-interest is here. Serve yourself here. Honor God and receive the good. Receive the blessing for this obedience to honor your parents.

Another thing we learned here in Ephesians 6, we need for forming marriages to be the extension of a very long chain of bringing up your children in the training and admonition of the Lord. In other words, if you've taken no interest before your child is 20 and wants to get married or wants to engage in relationships, And that's not the end of a long train. Boy, are you in trouble. Bringing up your children in the training in Admonition of the Lord starts at the very earliest of ages. And if it doesn't, then when you get to 20, there's so much water under the bridge try to insist then they'll still have the command to honor you That is a very tough pill to swallow.

By the time we get around to forming marriages, there should be a thousand links on that chain. And you're adding a few links at the end of a very long chain of bringing up your children in the training and admonition of the Lord. In this category, in this category, in this category, in this category. But if God would give you grace, they know the Lord, and they love the Lord, they want to walk with the Lord and you've been laying the footings for forming marriages for decades for two decades We need to begin this teaching as early as possible. I have a friend who gives a sermon titled something like this, How to Teach Your Two-Year-Olds About Marriage.

And I don't even need to go into the sermon. You get the point from the title. We ought to go all the way upstream when they're really young. The best time to start laying the groundwork for forming marriages is with a two-year-old, not with a twenty-year-old. Of course.

Of course. We need to begin a partnership on this as early as possible. It is a partnership. It is their future and their marriage, but they have a duty to honor you so it is interdependent, interrelated, it is a partnership And you start it early by laying the footings, laying the groundwork. You give them the framework now, right now.

Marriage is a picture of Jesus and his church. When you get married, that's what God is tasking you with. So you're teaching them as early as you can. Ephesians chapter 5. Son and daughter.

Marriage reflects Jesus and the church. And that affects everything about a husband's disposition towards his wife, and his conduct with and towards his wife. And it affects everything about a wife's disposition towards her husband and her conduct with and towards her husband. Everything goes through that lens. Children can understand that so young.

Why are you waiting? You've got to teach them Ephesians 5 right now. So that is in the warp and woof. You've weaved it into the fabric. I think warp is the threads in one direction, and woof is the threads in another direction.

It's a fabric term. You've weaved it together so that you can't pluck any thread out. It's just all one thing. So when they get to be 20, you woke them up at 2 AM in the morning and say, what does marriage reflect? They say, Jesus in the church.

It's in there. You couldn't pull it out of them. This is what we need. This is what we want. This is part of having a partnership with your children to get to this end point.

Parents need to paint a picture of how this should work more than a decade before it matters in a practical sense. Let me say that again. Parents need to paint a picture of how this should work. What is this? Forming marriages.

Parents need to paint a picture for their children about how forming marriages should work more than a decade before it matters in a practical sense, meaning before they hit the start line on that process. So that when it finally does matter in a practical sense, the expectations are clear. It's not my child has one set of expectations, and mine are radically different, and We didn't even know that till now. Imagine what a mess that would be. And our children have been won over that this is compelling.

What is compelling? Marriage as a picture of Christ in the church. And you have words with which to convince them, but they're also watching your marriage. Hello? Hello?

You're with me, right? We're teaching them Ephesians 5, but they also live with us. And they're going to render a judgment on whether they think your marriage is compelling or not. Judgment Day is coming for me and for you. Ideally what we're aiming towards together is our children having been one over that this is compelling.

Yes, I want a marriage that looks like Christ in the church. I want a marriage where my disposition towards my wife is shaped and formed by Jesus and his disposition towards his people. And my conduct with and towards her is shaped by that, and her conduct likewise. And so, because that is such a precious endpoint, I'm willing to embrace the principles of Scripture to get there, because I know only the Bible can take me there. This is what we want our children to believe.

I know only the Bible can take me there. It's impossible to drift there. They know the what, they know the why, They know the why it matters. They could teach a class on it. Friends, if our children have come to love the ways of the Lord, bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

We're teaching them, as God would give us grace, to love the ways of the Lord, and to know in their hearts that we can't wait to launch them into a great marriage, It will be their joy to work with us. Do your children know that you can't wait to launch them into a great marriage? You should be expressing it at least to your older children. I can't wait. It's going to be great for you.

It's going to be great for me too. We'll be right there on the front row cheering When God brings you the right person for marriage We don't want to hold you back for that we want to thrust you into that we can't wait That'll be One of the happiest days of our life will be that day. We're not trying to keep it from happening. We can't wait for it to happen. They've come to love the ways of the Lord and they know that we can't wait, it'll be their joy to work with us.

As parents, this is what we're shooting for. On the other hand, if it all just seems to be nothing but no, no, no, the text is very clear, we can provoke our children to wrath. Because of the dangers, and because we have backgrounds that are so radically different than our children, almost all of us have backgrounds, and I have a good background, and even mine is radically different than the background of my children and so we're so much more aware of the dangers that they are it so easily becomes no no no no Stay away from that because we're afraid of the dangers. And it's good to be afraid of the dangers, but if it just becomes thought of in our children's minds as, no, I can't ever do anything at any time, and even interactions with members of the opposite sex have been criminalized, then we're provoking our children to wrath. We cannot criminalize interactions, all interactions.

They must be appropriate interactions. We could talk about what that means, but we cannot criminalize all interactions. That is to provoke our children to wrath. My parting shot on this text. The process of forming marriages must honor fathers and mothers.

Fathers and mothers, we are not even at liberty to allow ourselves to be set aside. You're a subset of our children who are listening right now who are going to want to set you aside, me aside. And we have to say, over my dead body, I will die on this hill. We are not at liberty to allow ourselves to be set aside. We must insist that we be honored.

And this needs to involve a lot more than just approval being sought at the end. No involvement, no involvement, no involvement, no involvement. He asked me to marry him. Can I? That's not what we're talking about here.

We're talking about way, way, way more than just approval. Saw it at the end. I believe it must involve gatekeeping at the beginning. Who enters this process? You have a say in that.

And guiding and participating the process throughout. Now, what should that gatekeeping and guiding and participating in the process look like? Alright, I'm going to give you the answer right now. Are you ready? You've wanted the answer.

You've wanted a nice, tight list. I'm giving you the answer. It depends. It depends. Is this your 18-year-old or is this your 28-year-old?

You know there's a different answer there. A gatekeeping and guiding and participating is going to look a lot different for the 18 year old than it is for your 28 year old. What are they like? What is their maturity level? Depends on all those things.

I'm thankful that we're actually not getting too much into the nitty-gritty of actual process today. I want to give you the principles. Now go think about the principles. You make the list, but make the list with the principles. Most people don't even have a list.

You'll be way ahead. Number three, 2nd Corinthians 6. Turn to 2nd Corinthians 6. 2nd Corinthians 6 verses 14 through 18. It's interesting.

This gets used in conjunction with marriage all the time, but the word marriage isn't used once in the text. But the application is so blindingly obvious that it rightfully gets used. But it's not a marriage text per se. 2 Corinthians chapter 6 verses 14 through 18. Paul writes, Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.

For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? I am going to continue reading, but just think. Now, what friendship does righteousness have with lawlessness? How can you bring righteousness and lawlessness together into a friendship? That is the question.

It's really going to be the nature of these contrasts. What fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?

And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said, I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God and they shall be my people. Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.

Do not touch what is unclean and I will receive you. I will be a father to you and you shall be my sons and daughters says the Lord Almighty." This is the text about equal yoking. If you're taking notes on the handout, yoking fills in the blank. Equal yoking. It's a farming term where you match animals for work and you actually put them into a physical structure so that they pull together.

And you would never yoke a horse together with an ox because they're incompatible. You'd actually get less work done by joining these two incompatible animals than you could get from them separately. But the idea of yoking is to match animals, comparable animals, in a way where you get more profit, more good from matching them up than you would have had they just worked independently. So this is exactly to the point actually. The most obvious application of the text is that a believer should never knowingly marry an unbeliever.

Never knowingly marry an unbeliever. And we should go to great, great pains to know as best as we can that a believer is not marrying an unbeliever. Pop quiz. Can you ever know for 100% sure? No.

There are false professors in this world. There are false professors that can fool you and me and do. That should terrify us and throw us to put our hope in God, not in our sense of things. But we should do all that we can to know as best we can that believers are marrying believers and not unbelievers. Here it's helpful to consider the parable of the soils in Matthew chapter 13.

In Matthew chapter 13, a sower goes out to sow, he spreads seed, he spreads seed on four different kinds of soil. One seed never even take roots. The birds come and take it away, so it's just sort of a non-factor. It never even gets started. But the other three seeds, Up to a point, they all look legit, they all look real, they all look the same.

Up to a point. They look like, all three look like healthy growing plants. But in time, one is shown to have no root, persecution comes, and they said they were Christians but they weren't really Christians and so when the heat gets turned up because the world hates Christ. They say, I didn't sign up for this and they're out of here. But up to a certain point they look like a healthy growing plant beside the other plants.

They look just like them but time and circumstances revealed that wasn't real. Then there's another seed, again, up to a certain point, it looks just like the other plants, it looks healthy, it looks real, But it's in a place where it gets choked out by thorns and thistles that grow up around it. And it's the cares of the world and the desire for the world, love of the world, just chokes it out. They said they were Christians, they looked like they were Christians, but really they wanted the world more than they wanted Christ. They never wanted Christ most.

So they don't last. And then there is that fourth wonderful seed that is just a fruit bearing monster. It's thirty fold. I mean, thirty fold is great. Ask a farmer if they take thirty-fold, they take it.

But sixty-fold is twice as good, and then a hundred-fold. So it starts, it's really fruitful, or really, really fruitful, or really, really, really, really fruitful, are the real ones in Christ. They all bear a lot of fruit. So, what does that mean for the forming of marriage? For the forming of marriage.

Little or no fruit? No go! They say they're a Christian. Little or no fruit isn't 30-fold, 60-fold, 100-fold. You ought to wait to see if there's more fruit at the best.

You probably ought to cut and run, honestly. But at least wait. Little or no fruit, no go. We don't enter the process with little or no fruit. There's not a readiness to enter the process with little or no fruit.

Little or no time? Not yet. At best, not yet. Well, why do you say that? They're claiming to be a Christian.

They look like a Christian. It's been less than a year, and God has told you, plants can grow up together, and they all look the same and healthy up to a point, until the hatred against Christ, experience that, and some of them are going to say, I didn't sign up for this and leave, and then Some of them are going to say, I didn't sign up for this and leave. And then some of them are going to end up displaying that they really love the world most. And it takes time for that to shake out. So you let your kids marry someone who's had a profession for nine months.

You'll have to let your kids take those risks, take those chances. Not me and those chances. Not me and mine. I thank God for new converts. I praise God for new converts.

But little or no time means you haven't seen the shaking out that there has been to do. And the truth is they might shake out. And you could look back and the word of God told you they might shake out. So little or no fruit, no go, at least at the dome house. Little or no time, not yet at best.

So that's the most obvious application. The people, believers, shouldn't enter a yoke together, joining them up with an unbeliever. But maybe the most relevant and important application is regarding the process. Don't just think about the people, also think about the process. Listen again, verse 14, do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness.

So for Paul, it's not only about the people, he does start with believers and unbelievers, but then he goes to righteousness and lawlessness. That's not people. That's systems. That's forms and practices. That's processes.

Some that match up with righteousness, and some that match up with lawlessness. So yes, people is the primary application. I accept that, but I think it also extends to the process. We have to ask, where did recreational dating come from? If all you had was the Bible, would you ever come up with recreational dating?

Meaning, Just dating sort of whoever for fun. Didn't come from the Bible. Let me ask you, Where did hands off parenting come from? That doesn't sound like bringing them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Do all that you can to help them know the Lord and walk with the Lord and love His ways.

Is that hands off parenting? Hands off parenting didn't come from the Bible. Then where? The unbelieving world! You want to yoke up with the young unbelieving world on the process for forming a marriage and then hope the marriage reflects Christ in the church?

You fool. We are to come out from among them and to be separate so that we don't touch what is unclean is the only way to be a holy people. Are we going to be a holy people or not? Do we even care? We can yoke with unbelievers by adopting their process.

Jeremiah 10 verse 2. Jeremiah 10 verse 2. Jeremiah 10 verse 2. Thus says the Lord, do not learn the way of the Gentiles. So yeah, there is the people.

Don't marry a Gentile, meaning an unbeliever. But there's more than that here. Do not learn what the way of the Gentile. It is their ways that corrupt. I'm going to say the most obvious thing here.

You're going to say, why did you even take sermon time to say that? The way Christians go about male-female relationships should be radically different. The way Christians go about male-female relationships should be radically different. And as the world hurdles away from God and anything that matches what looks like in Scripture, it should be more radical looking all the time. Every day, every month, every year, it should be more radically different.

Because they're moving further away from God. Final point on this text. Forming a marriage is yoking. It is bringing together. It is the closest association for the purpose of gain.

For a Christian, the gain is that God is honored by a marriage that reflects Christ and his people. So it's bringing people together in the closest association. The only way you can approximate that, the only way to reflect that is to have them be so close that the two become one. This is what we're talking about. And it is wonderful, and it is exhilarating.

I remember Riley's back there nudging Chelsea. Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it exhilarating? I remember like it was yesterday. It is wonderful.

It is exhilarating, but it's not play. It's not play. If the endpoint is reflecting Jesus and His church, we can't say it's play. And because it's wonderful and exhilarating, and an undeniable drawing together, it should never be undertaken prematurely. Never be undertaken prematurely.

Here's my mantra. I hope you've already heard it ten times. I hope you hear it a hundred more. No No pairing up prematurely. No pairing up prematurely.

As an elder, When I see two who I have a right to believe are Christians, who desire marriage, who believe they're ready to be married, whose parents affirm that they're ready to be married, I rejoice when they engage in a process to determine if they should get married. By the way, sometimes everything fits that description and they engage in the process and they find out actually we shouldn't be married. You know that success? That is success. But when two people are pairing up before that describes them.

Meaning maybe they profess to be Christians, but onlookers don't have a right to believe they're Christians. There's little or no fruit, or there's been little or no time. They believe they're ready, but their parents don't affirm that they're ready. I'm not for that. It's just pairing up prematurely.

I know exactly what that is. And it's not taking anybody to a marriage that reflects Christ in the church. And it erodes a strong culture that helps the families in our church, and it represents a tremendous risk to our church. You let your kids pair up prematurely. You don't affirm that they're ready.

They're not at that maturity level, but they like members of the opposite sex. That's not criminal, but that can't be allowed to take you in a direction and you're eroding a culture that helps our families hold the line together to together go where we're forming marriages that reflect Christ in the church. Jason, What are you really saying? I'm saying when your kids, you let them recreational date pretty much anybody just because it's fun, then you've made it difficult for me to hold the line with my kids. And you're eroding a strong culture that many of us have shed blood sweat and tears to build.

Be careful. Be careful. Either churches have this strong culture or they don't and it's lost really fast, really easily. You can go to churches that had it but lost it really fast, really easily. Because a few parents who couldn't tell their kids no defected and made it almost impossible for the other parents to hold the line.

So do not be unequally yoked, either with an unbeliever or with the practices of unbelievers. That might be the great risk, is to learn the way of the Gentiles. Fourth and finally, Ephesians 5. Ephesians 5. Fourth, and finally, Ephesians 5.

But before all the marriage stuff, at the very beginning of the chapter, Ephesians 5, verses 1-3. Follow along as I read the beginning of Ephesians 5. Paul writes, Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love as Christ also loved us and has given himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling aroma. But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you as is fitting for saints." These verses, we have this phrase, let it not even be named among you.

Named fills in the blank. Let it not even be named among you. So we have a contrast here. Verses 1 and 2 set in opposition of verse 3. Verses 1 and 2 is Christ-like love.

Real love, biblical Real love, Biblical love, self-sacrificing love. And, it's counterfeit. What is it's counterfeit? Fornication, all unclean, sexual immorality is the counterfeit. All the benefits with none of that uptightness.

All the benefits without all that commitment. You know that's a lie. It's just not true. It is not all the benefits of marriage. It's a few very dangerous benefits of marriage.

And it's a counterfeit. And the world, the flesh and the devil have a counterfeit for everything that's good that God gives to His people. Biblical marriage is to be a picture of Christ and a self-sacrificing love, and the counterfeit is all the benefits without all that uptightness of sexual immorality. Paul says, let it not even be named among you saints. Meaning, if someone were to whisper an accusation, it would be absurd because of the culture that they had.

Paul is calling the Ephesians to a culture where a whisper of impropriety in this category would be marked out as absurd and impossible. Not even named. Years ago, Josh Harris wrote a book entitled, Not Even a Hint, based on an alternative translation to this verse. Not even a hint! No one would even dare hint at it because of this culture of real love that the counterfeit love wouldn't even be hinted at, wouldn't even be whispered about because of their good culture around it.

Not even hinted at, not even named among. Of course then Josh Harris walked it all back. He wrote another book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which is really the field manual for a generation who wanted to go about things in a different way than recreational dating and then he ended up saying yeah I don't really believe all that stuff anymore And the first time I ever gave this message, he had renounced those things. He said, yeah, yeah, my books, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and not even a hint, I don't believe that stuff anymore. But he hadn't yet renounced the faith.

The first time I gave this message, he was still a pastor and still with a profession of Christ. And during that short period of time, the Christians who contend that courtship with its parental oversight and chaperones and waiting until young men and young women are actually ready to be married is much too restrictive and is actually legalistic we're celebrating Josh Harris and his change of heart. They loved them some Josh Harris. But now those same people have to grapple with the fact that Josh Harris was not walking away from an uptight, legalistic Christianity. He was walking away from Christianity.

All of it. And he, to this day, wants to lead people back to Egypt. Oh Egypt's better, let's go back to Egypt. Friends, do not follow him. Do not follow him back to Egypt.

It isn't what you remember. Egypt was terrible. Egypt was slavery. Egypt is slavery. Don't go back there.

Parental oversight and chaperones and waiting for readiness are not bad and they do not represent legalism. They can be employed by legalistic people. All sorts of things can be employed by legalistic people. They can be employed in ways that provoke your children to anger and exasperate them. I know that.

I know there's another side of the coin. I know that it's not all just light and sunshine over here on the courtship side and death and darkness on the other side that we got our own set of troubles on this side too. I know that. If sexual immorality is not even to be named among us, not even a hint of it, there must be safeguards. There must be safeguards.

Have you read your Bibles? The commands and the principles and the histories of scripture don't teach us anything at all if they don't teach us that male-female relationships are a powder keg. Are you with me? The Bible doesn't say anything about anything if it doesn't say that male female relationships are a powder keg just waiting for a match. When Paul says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

He's writing to New Testament believers. Burning with passion isn't just a thing for unbelievers. It is human. Male-female relationships are a powder keg because God has actually made us with this intense attraction, but it must be channeled, and safeguards must be put in place. Here is a useful thought experiment.

If you lived in the time and place when Deuteronomy 22 was in effect, and if it was found that your daughter had lost her virginity, and had entangled with a man as if they were married, but they never married. And because of God's holiness, she would be brought to your doorstep to be stoned to death. How would you parent? So here's the thought experiment. We don't live in America in 2022.

We live in Israel when the Constitution was the book of Deuteronomy. I'm not advocating for that. I'm just this is our thought experiment. We're taking ourselves there In National Israel it was a national law That if your daughter was found to have entangled with a man as if they were married but they were never married that because God was a holy God and he hates that and said don't ever do that that she would be brought to your doorstep. Now what is this indicating?

You own this. You own this. So it's your doorstep that your daughter dies on. You did this as much as she did this, so it's your doorstep. Now, how would you parent?

Now would there be safeguards? If that's different than you were thinking in parenting now, why? Why? Just because she won't be stone to death on your doorstep? It was that way because God is holy.

So the outcome might not be so grim today, but God is not less holy. Here's how we went about it. In Anna and Tyler's courtship. Anna's eyes just got wide. On the day their courtship was announced, Janet and I met with Anna and Tyler.

And we said, here's how it's going to be. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. And no lapses. No, that's actually not at all how it went down. He said, tomorrow we want you to come to us with what you think the safeguards ought to be.

And if we like them, we'll all adopt them together. And if we think there need to be a few more, we'll add a few more. And they came back with safeguards that were probably tighter and tougher than we would have imposed. So we happily adopted the whole slate. And then we just enforced, you know.

A few final comments and considerations. I'll give you four. Number one, what if you're off the rails? Meaning, I'm not teaching this to a two-year-old. I got a 15-year-old and we haven't hardly talked about this at all.

I'm here to tell you, James and I just put you on the launch pad. So launch, like start now. Nobody has a time machine. We can't go back in time. No regrets.

You can regret it a little if you want to. Start now! Start now! Use this as an opportunity to move towards where you want to be, but be careful. If you should have, if you now think, oh yeah I should have started when they're two, but now they're 15 and we haven't talked about it, please don't try to catch them up in the next 24 hours.

Talk about provoking your children to anger and exasperating them. Be more subtle than that. Move to where you want to be, but be careful. You want to bring them along in a partnership so that they agree and see that this is compelling and they understand that you can't wait to launch them into the best marriage ever. And that's really what your hopes for them is that you launch them into the best marriage ever.

Number two, work to deepen the pool. All of our children, there is a pool of perspective people to marry. Almost everything that we do and love makes the pool Shallower. I love all those things. And I'm not sorry about any of those things, but you better acknowledge, man, this makes the pool one millimeter thick, one millimeter deep.

I love it that we're reformed theologically. That makes the pool shallower. I love it that we homeschool. We're committed to homeschooling. We hope our children homeschool.

Makes the pool a lot shallower. I love it that we're Baptist. That makes the pool shallower. I love it that we're family integrated. We're a millimeter deep, people.

You have to work to make the pool shallower, otherwise you're left with people in the room. The only prospective spouses for you are in the room. It's probably not going to work out like that. Chelsea wasn't in the room. My recommendation, find ways to deepen the pool that engage in real kingdom advancing work.

And forget English barn dances. I say that only half joking. There was a very brief English barn dance movement in our church, and it's dead because I killed it. I'm not for that. I think it encourages pairing up prematurely.

I think it begs for pairing up prematurely. So I want our kids to get to know each other, but I want it to be in the context of things that are meaningful and don't beg for one-on-one pairing up prematurely. Abortion ministry can do that. Conferences can do that. But if all we do is inside this room And out of the picnic tables, we have a really, really shallow pool.

And it's too shallow. Help your kids deepen the pool. Mom and Dad, here's a homework assignment. Go talk about how you can deepen the pool. The alternative is becoming increasingly mercenary when we start to feel desperate.

Where you have to do things that are so blatantly obvious exactly what you're doing. If you deepen the pool early, it can be multipurpose. One of the purposes can be, we want our kids to get to know a broad range of people out there in acceptable Christian circles, meaning Christian circles that we would be happy if there were marriages to develop within. That can be one of many reasons why you're doing it. When time goes by and you start to feel the pressure and the pinch, you start acting mercenary and everybody goes around, I know exactly what this is about.

It's not necessarily make it wrong, but it makes it uncomfortable. Number three. Here's an interesting one I haven't even touched on it. Decide what you think about the place of affection and attraction. My personal view is that it better not be everything.

I don't think it should be nothing either. By the way, there are people who I respect who don't give much of a place to it at all. And they trust that the affection and attraction will grow over time. I'm not content to leave it at that. But some are.

And again, these are really serious minded people who I have a tremendous amount of respect for, so I don't mean to demean it. I'm saying you should think, what do you think about it? What do your kids think about it? You should be getting on the same page about that. My personal view is if the gospel is really to reflect Jesus and His church, this cannot be dispassionate.

Matching up of the spreadsheet. I've seen the spreadsheet match up. You thought this is happening, but you know, there was no it. Whatever it is, there was no it. Okay, and so it fizzled out.

And I was glad it fizzled out. Because the relationship of Jesus to his people is not a dispassionate one, a thousand miles away from a dispassionate one. That's my view. But decide what you think about that. Because you might find yourself in a situation where you've initiated the process and everything's just right, but there's no it.

What are you going to do then? Number four. You can go down this track, dot every I across every T, and Looking back 20 years from now, be disappointed in how it all came about. Most of us in our personal lives didn't go down this track. We're a million miles away from this track.

God, just because He's good and merciful, reached into all our mistakes and reclaimed us and has given us a marriage that reflects Jesus and His church. I'm not saying we should just, that means we should throw caution to the wind because God can reach in and overwhelm all our mistakes. That would be a foolish thing to say, but just understand he can do that. He's the overriding factor in all of these things. So everything I've talked about I believe is very important, but you have to understand at the end of the day we should fall on our faces and cry out to God for mercy and help.

That's really where the help is to be found. Not in dotting every I and crossing every T, but that God would be merciful to sinners and help His people to form marriages to honor His Son in the world. God, give us the grace to see so many marriages formed in the wisdom of your own timing to reflect Jesus' self-sacrificing, pure, perfect, wonderful, passionate love for His people, and His people's adoration and happiness and following after Him. Let us see it with our own eyes over and over again I pray in Jesus name. Amen.